Home > Tempting Devil (Sinners and Saints #2)(45)

Tempting Devil (Sinners and Saints #2)(45)
Author: Veronica Eden

It’s stupid, but I started doing it as a kid and can’t stop.

A heavy sigh leaves me. But I didn’t just start it, did I? It’s because of Blair. Weeks later and I’m still reeling from remembering our brief connection, and realizing she’s the reason my private ritual began thanks to what Blair told me when we were kids.

Her encouragement to wish on stars was my single saving grace that kept me from being swallowed all these years.

I massage my temple with my thumb knuckle and let the cigarette burn down to the butt, mesmerized by the ash.

I’ve told the stars so much in my life.

They wait for me as I peer at the sky. Blair’s freckles pop into my head. They remind me of the stars.

I lick my lips and rub my fingertips together.

Blair was my first wish, but I always thought it didn’t come true.

I also wished for a brother and sister. Lucas was always there, but I wanted more family to play with. I even wished to be a part of Lucas’ family instead of my own.

I begged the shooting stars to send my parents home for longer than a few days. To make them talk to me. To take an interest in me past how much money they’ve sent, how my grades are, and if I’ll go pre-med.

I’m their son, not one of their petri dish research experiments.

The work they do as doctors might be important to help so many people, but can’t a kid just want the attention of his parents?

None of the wishes ever work, but something about sending my deepest, secret desires to distant balls of burning gas and fragments of rock falling into the atmosphere makes me feel better. It’s a ritual that calms the ocean of bitter pain for a brief moment.

Tossing the cigarette into the ashtray I brought out, I think about calling Bishop or Lucas to see what either of them are up to. I’ve calmed down somewhat from talking to Dad, but speaking to them would help.

“Here you are. I was looking for you.”

I whip my head to the side. Blair climbs through the window nimbly and navigates the narrow ledge that leads over to my spot on the roof. The wind disturbs her ponytail as she stands over me, taking in the view.

The vulnerability burns. No one’s ever found my spot. I swallow.

“Are you going to sit?”

Blair settles next to me. “It’s cool up here.”

“Yeah.” I try to picture it with fresh eyes, forgetting everything I’ve confessed up here. “I come up here to think.”

“There’s a spot in the woods between the trailer park and the convenience store where I used to hide out when I didn’t want to be found.”

Blair tucks her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around them. She’s wearing the same oversized hoodie from the night her mom collapsed, her fingertips poking out of the big sleeves. I pinch the pant leg of my sweatpants to keep from reaching out to take her hand.

We’re quiet for a few minutes. My pulse turns erratic. I’m plagued by an awareness of her presence and every movement.

“I know your secret,” Blair murmurs in a conspiratorial tone.

I dig my grip into my sweatpants, out of view. She can’t.

“Doubt it,” I scoff. I tap my chest, near my heart and the shooting star tattoo. “I keep them all under lock and key.”

Blair rests her chin on her knees. Her gaze holds mine. “You want everyone to think you’re this carefree playboy. But you’re not. Your secret is that you care. More than anyone.”

My stomach drops at the truth in her assessment. In my pocket, my phone sits heavy like lead. Three texts sent to Dad after our phone call go unanswered.

The puppets at school believe my mask is the real me, but it’s not. They see what I want them to. Blair’s right. The truth is I try hard as hell not to care about anything. I compartmentalize it all, burying the hurts deep where they can’t get to me.

How does she do that? How does she always see through the armor I’ve constructed to protect myself from disappointment?

Maybe Blair hides a chained up monster, too, because her little claws scrape at the box I’ve tucked all of the weakness into. Sometimes it seeps out, like Pandora’s chaos escaping a cage not strong enough to trap the torrent of horror desperate to get out and spread.

Blair’s voice is soft when she continues. “I think it’s why you try so hard to control everything around you. Down to the exact curve of your smiles.”

I laugh jaggedly to play off how she blindsides me when I least expect it. Dragging a hand through my hair, I turn my attention up to the sky. “I didn’t let you sit up in my secret spot with me so you could psychoanalyze me. Quit it, or you’re getting the boot.”

“Sorry.”

More surprised that she apologized to me than the fact she figured me out, I cut a quick look at her. She fiddles with the cuffs of her hoodie.

“Me too,” I offer.

The rest gets stuck in my throat. I mean all of it—sorry for internalizing so much anger because she left, sorry for making her my favorite target, sorry for trying to drive her to leave all these years.

“I’m sorry,” I repeat, trying to push all of my meaning into the apology. “I know I muddled it before and you didn’t believe me, but I am. Do I need to find another glass of water to dump on myself?”

Blair laughs, the bright sound drifting in the night. “No need, though I think I do prefer you wet.” She sends me a sly look from the corner of her eye. After a beat, she flaps her hand. “I guess I’m sorry for making a move on your car, too.”

“I’m not.” Blair’s brows lift in surprise. I shrug. “If you didn’t break in, I wouldn’t have you here right now.”

It’s fucked up that my revenge plan led to this, but I can’t say I’m mad at the turn in the tide.

She smiles, the corner of her mouth tugging up. “I like it up here.”

The stars blink down at us, faintly twinkling.

I haven’t asked the stars for the thing I want most of all lately. The secret I thought Blair figured out.

It’s impossible, too much for even the magic of a wish.

Blair studies at me with an unreadable look, the moon painting the side of her face in pale light.

My stupid, messed up heart thumps, aching at her beauty. Her full lips slide together to contain whatever she’s holding back from saying.

“What?”

She blinks like she’s coming out of a daze. “You reminded me of someone I used to know. A long time ago.”

“Who?” I swallow past the shards stabbing my throat.

Does she remember, too?

“A sad boy I knew once. I told him about shooting stars.” Her brow wrinkles. “You have the same kind of look in your eyes.”

Tell her, my mind screams. Tell her you are that boy. That you knew her, too, but she left.

Like the others. All of them leave. No one stays.

Part of me doesn’t want to tell her. If I do, she’ll see my weaknesses. She could leave again. She will leave eventually. Because she’s not here for me. Blair is only here for other reasons.

Not because I’m worthy of her company.

Not because I’ve earned her trust or her affection.

Not because I deserve any second I steal with her.

My wretched heart lurches as I stare at her.

Maybe it was always coming, wanting her as much as my next breath. I’ve just smothered it. Learned to survive around it.

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