“Elen is many things,” I said slowly, “but stupid isn’t one of them. She knows that. Deep down, even if she’s hurt and angry about the way things went down, she knows why you did what you did. The key, I think, is showing her that you’re not going to let her go again. That she’s important to you. And maybe that’s what’s missing. Erik came back from the dead and claimed his woman, his son, his throne. In the process of helping him get all those things back, you found Lennox and your place within the organization. Daniil is a man and his position as Minister of Defense isn’t given a second thought. And all of you, except Elen, had some sort of family in those years. You had Casey and Luke, not to mention your aunt and uncle, so you were never alone. Daniil had Jesper and the kids, and Erik married Liz and adopted Leni. Elen had nothing all those years. I’m sure it’s been more of an adjustment for her, and the way she’s treated by the old fucks at Parliament, well, that would piss me off too.”
“Do you know who?” Sandor asked, scowling. “She doesn’t want to say, but I’d like to have a word with a few of them.”
“I know for a fact Senator Novak is pretty combative whenever she speaks. I’ve given him side-eye a few times, and he backs off physically, but he never shuts his mouth.”
Sandor made a face. “Senator Novak and I are going to chat.”
“Well, if you do, you didn’t get it from me because she’ll have my balls for breakfast if she thinks I made her look weak to her brother.”
Sandor clapped me on the shoulder as he got to his feet. “What are you talking about? I haven’t spoken to you all day.”
6
Elen
If my brother scheduled another drill, I was going to kill him. I was a lot better and starting to get my strength back, but I didn’t feel like myself and all the downtime I’d had left me feeling lonelier than ever. Something had to give but I wasn’t sure what, and a dozen different things went through my mind as I did some yoga this morning. I wanted to start running again, but my lungs probably wouldn’t take it, so I wasn’t going to push myself.
After finishing my light workout and showering, I sat at my dressing table and stared in the mirror. The woman who stared back was a bit of a stranger. Same aquamarine eyes, same shoulder-length dirty-blond hair, same features, but there were lines now that I’d never seen before. A slight crinkling at the corners of my eyes that made the woman looking out at me appear older, less happy, strained. A veritable stranger.
I stared back at her, as if something might change if I looked hard enough. But this older, tired-looking version of Elen was still there and I realized how much I disliked her. Me. How much I’d come to dislike myself. I’d never imagined becoming a bitter, bitchy spinster who hated people, but somehow it had happened. Or at the very least, it was happening. Everything about my life right now made me miserable, and I had to do something about it. I didn’t know what or when or how, but it had to happen before I lost my sanity.
I couldn’t plan anything just yet, because I had a senior staff meeting, so I slapped on some makeup before heading down to Erik’s private conference room just after one.
“Get a lot done this morning?” Xander asked, falling into step beside me.
“I think so.”
“I’m supposed to have the afternoon off,” he said. “Do you think you’ll need me the rest of the day? If you’re going out, I have to be with you.”
I shook my head. “I’m not going anywhere. The meeting with Erik and the others will probably go through dinner, and then I’m going to try to get to bed early since we need to be at Parliament by eight tomorrow.”
“Okay, text me if anything changes.” He left me with a wave in front of the conference room and I watched him go for a moment before going inside.
“Hey.” Sandor looked up at me.
“Hi.” I kissed the top of his head and squeezed Daniil’s shoulder as I sank into a chair between them.
“By the way,” Lennox said, leaning over. “We’re planning a trip to New York soon. It’s the easiest way for us all to do dress fittings with Alexa. My sisters can’t get enough time off to come all the way to Limaj just for a fitting, so we’re going there.” A woman named Alexa Humboldt was designing her wedding dress and all the bridesmaid dresses.
“Just let me know,” I told Lennox. “I love New York.”
Erik’s chief of staff, Jesper, called the meeting to order and passed out our agenda. At the top of the list was the name Omar Daishel. He’d been the bane of our existence since Erik had come back into power, and we knew at least one of the threats on Erik’s life had been orchestrated by Omar. He’d also gotten close to Casey’s oldest daughter and generally made a nuisance of himself. We believed he’d tried to kidnap Erik’s oldest son, Luke, back in December and he was one of many reasons I worried all the time.
“Omar is a menace that needs to be eliminated,” Ace said quietly.
No one said anything because we all knew he was right. He was the threat that kept on threatening, but a planned hit was an uncomfortable topic for most of us. Maybe Ace had no issue with it after nearly two decades in the CIA, but to me anyway, it was an unfathomable topic. Erik probably was okay with it too, since the threat to him included threats to everyone he loved, but this kind of danger was one of the things that bothered me about my new life.
“How do we reconcile ourselves to this new reality?” I asked quietly. “I love all of you and would die if anything happened to any of you, but how much do we sacrifice to be who we’ve become?”
“We haven’t become anyone,” Sandor said, meeting my gaze. “This is who we always were. We went into hiding so we could come back and do this, reclaim our places here and do good for both our people and others around the world.”
“But the threats never go away,” I whispered. “I don’t know what to do with all of this. I’m scared. Always.” I looked up guiltily. “I don’t want to be this person, but the fear is starting to take over everything…and I don’t know how to fix it.” Tears filled my eyes and I turned away, frustrated and embarrassed.
“It’s okay.” Sandor reached for my hand and Daniil put a hand on my shoulder, rubbing it gently. “We’re all scared.”
“But you’re not,” I protested. “You’re trained to protect yourself and your family. I mean, I can hold my own in a bar fight or even against a purse-snatcher or something, but Omar? Actual assassins? Guns and bombs and secret tunnels and midnight drills? This is like living in a third-world country…”
“Because we are,” Erik said gently. “As much wealth as we have personally, and as hard as I’m working to change it, we’re simply not a first-world country. My kids can’t even go to school here because there isn’t one. My wife went back to the U.S. to give birth because in the event of a complication, we didn’t trust the medical facilities here. I’m putting my personal money into some of the infrastructure we’re constructing because the people need so much. This is our reality. I’ve taken it on willingly—it’s what I’ve been working toward all the years I was in hiding—but you don’t have to. None of you.” He looked around. At Daniil and Jesper, Ace and Joe, Lennox and Sandor, and me. “You guys don’t have to, and I don’t want you to feel any kind of pressure to stay. I do this because, for whatever reason, I have to. For the rest of you, it’s optional, and Elen, if you don’t feel I can keep you safe, it’s okay for you to go back to your old life, the one you had while we were all in hiding.”