“I doubt I could persuade Mrs. Desford to retire before you left. I am making headway through the books, but it’s just not fast enough for me because I don’t know what day the duke might return.” Julia pressed into the back of the plush velvet cushion and sighed. “The worst thing is that now I am having to cope with the tutor the duke sent for Chatwyn’s lessons. It’s been an absolutely disastrous situation.”
“I was there when he arrived but, of course, didn’t meet him and you couldn’t say much about him before I left. I don’t understand this. Chatwyn should be under Miss Periwinkle’s care for a few more years.”
“Yes, and he will but Mr. Pratt brought me a letter from the duke saying he thinks it’s time to begin a more formal education for Chatwyn to start preparing him for Eton. Including his religious training. The man he sent is simply a beast, and unrelenting in wanting Chatwyn to sit in a chair for six hours a day and practice lettering and numbers. We’ve had more than one row about it and, of course, Chatwyn cries and clings to me. This perturbs Mr. Pratt. He tries to insist I leave the room but I’ve refused to leave Chatwyn alone with the man.”
“I didn’t know all this. I’m so sorry and don’t blame you for being upset. He sounds like a monster. But, oh, what about today? Is Chatwyn alone with him?”
“No. Never, if I have anything to say about it. When Mr. Pratt arrived this morning, I told him Chatwyn had a stomach issue and he couldn’t possibly be expected to sit still and endure lessons today. He said he’d return on Monday. So between my searching the book room, the tutor, and my wayward thoughts about Mr. Stockton—but no, no, Brina, enough about me and my troubles. Please let me hear something about you for a change.”
“But I want to know—what it is about Mr. Stockton that has you on edge?”
Julia smiled softly just thinking about him. “He reminds me of how I long to be free so I can have a man call on me. He has me thinking of kisses and caresses. Being held, and—no man has made me feel the way he makes me feel when he looks at me. He reminds me just how desperately I want to be free to enjoy my life on my terms.” Julia moistened her lips and took in a steadying breath. “But again, I don’t want to talk about me anymore. Tell me something about you.”
Brina looked down and smoothed the gloves on her hands. “There is something but I haven’t wanted to tell you because I’m not sure you will approve of what I’ve been doing.”
Brina’s matter-of-fact tone caused a slight chill to flutter over Julia even though the coach was quite warm. “I’m surprised that you think I wouldn’t support whatever it is. You wrote to me that you were going over to the school once a week to read to the girls, much to your parents’ angst. I heartily agree with that, so what is it you think I won’t approve of?”
“This has nothing to do with the school.” Her blue eyes turned pensive. “I couldn’t mention this matter to you in a letter, but now that you are here, I would like to talk with you about what I’ve been thinking.”
Julia felt a sudden tension in the back of her neck. “What’s disturbing you? You know you can tell me anything.”
“I hesitate because of the seriousness of my thoughts.” She paused and looked out the window for a few moments. “I’m thinking about the possibility of joining the Sisters of Pilwillow Crossings.”
It took a moment for the meaning of Brina’s words to sink into Julia’s mind and when they did, she stared at her, truly unable to say anything for a few moments. “But that is a—a—”
“A convent, an abbey,” Brina said without hesitancy, “are probably the best names for it. Though not all the women who serve there are nuns, and it’s really so much more than that. It’s a community of women. Good women who unselfishly do good works for unfortunate people here in London. Their doors are open three days a week to serve a cup of soup and a slice of bread to those in need. Two of the sisters spend those three days attending anyone with wounds and handing out poultices and tonics they make. All of them sew, knit, and bake bread the other four days. I suppose they have time for their services and readings, too. But they have a purpose to their lives, and that appeals to me.”
“All right,” Julia said calmly. “You want to help them. How? You don’t know how to bake bread.”
“But I can learn,” Brina argued, unapologetic and a bit defensive. “I want to do something more than just get up in the mornings and dress for a walk in the park, or dress in the evenings to sit at someone’s dinner table and make idle conversation.”
“But that is what you’re supposed to do. You are well read, and because of that you’re quite engaging with your knowledge on many subjects when you are a guest at someone’s house and sit down at their table. You play the pianoforte so beautifully and with so much feeling everyone wants to listen when you entertain. I’ve read your poetry. It’s thoughtful and inspiring. You helped start The Seafarer’s School. Why would you think you have no purpose in life?”
Brina turned away from Julia and glanced out the window before looking back into Julia’s eyes. There was a sadness in Brina that Julia knew was always there but she seldom let it show. Julia remained quiet for a few moments as the carriage rumbled over a quiet street in Mayfair dotted with white houses.
“If I do have a purpose,” Brina finally offered, “I don’t know what it is. I don’t want to marry, so I’ll have no children to love and care for as you do. Mrs. Tallon has two helpers and really needs no more assistance at the school. Reading a book to the girls is the most I can do there.”
Feeling great concern for her friend and the seriousness of what she was considering, Julia moved over to sit on the cushion beside Brina. “Why do you think you would be happy at Pilwillow Crossings?”
Brina faced her. “Because I’m not happy where I am.”
Those were chilling words. “But you would have to take a vow. You would be giving up all that you were born into.”
“No.” Brina smiled softly. “I checked into that. You need not worry that I am losing my mind. I’m not considering taking a vow of any kind, and it’s not necessary at this convent. There are women who live there who’ve never taken the vow and don’t intend to. That doesn’t mean they don’t have to obey all the rules that are set forth. They do. I know the solemnity of this action and that’s why I’m not rushing into a decision. It’s something I’m thinking about, and you should know I haven’t mentioned this to anyone else for now.”
“You know I’ll keep your feelings quiet. And I agree it’s best not to tell your parents. Doing this would alter your life drastically, and there’s no reason to burden them with your thoughts until you have this more settled in your mind.”
“That’s why I haven’t told anyone but you.”
“You’re still so young, Brina, you—I truly want you to make the choice that’s best for you, but if you do decide to do this, and then later change your mind, would you be able to leave?”
“Of course.” Brina laughed softly. “It’s not a prison. They only want women who want to help others.” A faraway look glistened in Brina’s eyes. “I do think I made the right decision when I returned to my parents’ home after Stewart’s passing. It’s been so easy to let them coddle me.”