She has to come back some time, right?
I’m assuming she’s still with her friends in Paris, although of course she could be anywhere. She could have flown home, or headed back into Europe. Is she hiding somewhere? Does she even care about where I am?
I’ve left voicemail messages and will email her eventually, but not tonight. I need to let my friends know I’m okay – and that I’m back in town. I can’t face finding words for Phoebe Jones yet.
Outside, London is the same as always, carrying on regardless of whatever’s happening in your life. I’ve always been comforted by that in the past – that London doesn’t indulge your celebrations or your pain. But this evening it feels like the capital is dismissing me. To this city I’m no different than I was a year ago. But everything has changed.
The lights of the British Library shine out as I pass but this time I won’t enter the courtyard where in the past I’ve busked or met mates for coffee. I don’t want to be soothed yet. The pain is necessary. I hid from it after Laura and clearly didn’t learn what I needed to. I won’t make the same mistake with Phoebe.
I can’t believe she wasn’t there. I don’t know if it will ever make sense.
I’m passing Euston Station when the call comes.
It’s her.
I stare at the picture of us smiling up from the screen. I should decline the call, block her number. But she owes me an explanation. On what might be the last ring before voicemail claims her call, I answer.
‘Phoebe.’
I can hear her breath, shaky and uneven, and a sound that might be a cough or the beginnings of a sob. My heart is torn between elation that I can hear her and fury that she’s calling me now. I want her to be upset. I want her to feel terrible.
‘I’m… so sorry…’
‘Where are you?’
‘In Paris. Still.’
My words fail. I nod at the pavement, trying to keep control.
‘Sam, are you still there?’
‘Still here.’
Where else would I be? I kept my promise.
‘I just – I don’t know what happened…’
‘Well, you weren’t here. That’s what happened.’
‘I know. I can’t believe I let you down. I was on my way – I mean, I was at Gare du Nord, and…’
‘Phoebe, don’t.’
‘But I need to explain…’
‘There’s nothing to say. We said at the beginning we might change our minds. So, you changed your mind. You could have changed it yesterday, or last week, or any time before I set off to meet you, of course. But that’s immaterial. It happened. You did what you had to.’
‘I never wanted this… I didn’t want to hurt you…’
I can hear tears in her voice. This is worse than if she’d remained silent.
‘Listen, I don’t think I can do this now. Talk about it, I mean. I have to work it out. Alone.’
‘But there’s so much I need to say to you, Sam.’
‘No. No, you really don’t. It’s very simple – you lied to me and you don’t love me. That’s why you weren’t there. I love you, which is why I was.’
‘No, you’re wrong. I never lied to you. I just panicked.’
‘Phoebe, it is what it is.’ My words crash across the end of hers. ‘It’s not what I wanted. Not what I thought we both wanted. But I’ll get over it.’
‘No, listen to me. I just need some more time. To get my head around it.’
You’ve had a year, Phoebe. You either want to be with me or you don’t. You shouldn’t have to convince yourself. I don’t want to be the guy you talked yourself into being with. I deserve better than that.
But I don’t have the strength to say that to her tonight.
Instead, I say: ‘Yeah, me too. Look, just be happy, okay? Find something you know you want. And – don’t call me again.’
‘No, Sam…’ This hurts too much. Hearing her voice is a knife to my chest. It has to end, now.
‘I’ve got to go.’
‘Please…’
‘What more do you want from me? You weren’t there. That’s all I needed to know. So thanks for a great year and all the good stuff. But we need to move on. If you ever cared about me at all, please leave it now. Goodbye, Phoebe.’
So, that’s it. Doors closed and bolted. No way back.
As soon as I hang up, I find DeeDee’s number and call it. My eyes sting and I know I won’t be able to hide the tears from her. But I don’t want to be alone. Tonight, I need my friends.
Chapter Forty-One
Phoebe
He hangs up. And the world is suddenly an echoing, lonely chamber.
I’ve lost him.
All because I was too scared to get on that train.
Luc holds my hand and Tobi watches, concerned, from the kitchen where he’s making more tea. For a Frenchman he has an excellent understanding of English crisis management. I love that they are here, but I wish they didn’t have to see this.
‘That sounded brutal,’ Luc says, his voice low.
I blink at him. I can’t even find words to say how I feel. I knew it would be bad – part of me even hoped Sam might let my call go to his voicemail so I could blurt it all out and not have to hear him. I wish I hadn’t heard him. The hurt in his voice almost destroyed me. I put it there – I caused that in the man I’ve been in love with for an entire year.
If you’re sure of Sam…
Why won’t those words leave me alone? I am sure of Sam. I was… Why did I listen to the doubts?
‘I am the worst person.’
‘No, you’re not.’
‘Why didn’t I go through with it? If I loved him, I should have been there.’
‘Phoebe, if he loved you he should have given you the chance to explain.’
‘He was there. I wasn’t. It was academic.’
‘Mon amie, you are torturing yourself. Whatever happened, it happened for a reason. You won’t know what that is yet. But equally, there is nothing to be done about it now. So. We have spoken to Meg and she agrees it is better for you to stay in Paris with us for a while.’
‘No, Tobi, I need to get back. I have to make this right with Sam.’
‘And you will. But not immediately. He is hurt and angry. You are hurt, too, and confused. What good can you do until you understand yourself?’
I don’t want Tobi and Luc to be right, but I can’t escape the truth. However much I want it to be different, the damage done today just isn’t fixable yet. But I don’t want to outstay my welcome here. Tobi and Luc have been incredible hosts, friends and confidants. They’ve done so much for me already and I can’t take advantage of their kindness. Besides, I need to get back to London to work out what to do next.
I accept a strong hug from Tobi who has just brought us another pot of tea. ‘What would I do without you, my gallant knights?’
‘It’s our pleasure, fair Lady Phee,’ Tobi smiles. ‘So, you’ll stay?’
‘For a few days. But then I need to go home.’