I’m sad that I won’t get to play with Niven for the foreseeable, though. Before I went back to Mull I wouldn’t have counted him as my closest friend but now I think he’s equal to DeeDee and Kim. I love that man. I just hope when he returns to the school on Mull for his job-share post it will make him happy. He deserves a break. Good that Donal and he are working on projects for the fledgling label already. If anyone can make GloamingSound a success, they can.
When we were loading in this morning Meg took me on a tour of the facilities and something she said when she unlocked our dressing room has stayed with me.
‘We’re going for magical. Because magical things can happen at New Year.’
‘Usually involving alcohol,’ I’d returned – a lame joke that received a polite smile, but it was a shield because I felt cornered.
‘All kinds of magic,’ she’d said firmly.
Has Meg invited Phoebe to the party?
If she is here, I don’t want to talk to her.
I’ve decided. It’s for the best.
We had the chance to say all we wanted at the Eden Festival. She hasn’t tried to contact me since and I haven’t either, so it makes me think too much time has passed. I need to focus on me next year. Not chasing an adventure. Not searching for answers. Just discovering how the man I’ve found myself to be will move forward. I’ll leave my heart out of it for a while, that’s for sure. Laura, Shona, Phoebe – none of them shining successes and all of them shouldn’t have happened. Until I understand my heart, I can’t risk giving it to anyone else.
So I’ll do the gig tonight and then I’ll leave. It’s good that we’re returning for our gear tomorrow – there’s no reason to hang around. London is still my home, but I feel the need to get away for a while. So, in two days I’ll be back in Edinburgh for a belated Hogmanay and to celebrate Barney’s birthday with Ellie and Russ.
Family time.
Better late than never.
My brother calls me most weeks. He’s not ready to meet Ellie yet – and he turned down my offer of visiting him when I head back north – but regular phone contact is a good start. The rest will follow when he’s ready. I never understood how anyone could walk out of someone’s life and not look back, until I found my father again. But now I get it. Frank couldn’t be what we needed. He had too many demons of his own to fight. Cal needs time to come to terms with that.
You can only walk through a door: if the person on the other side chooses not to open it, what can you do? In the end, I think it’s better to seek the open doors and accept those that stay closed. Life, I’m learning, is holding everything lightly; being prepared to let it go. You can’t control how anyone else lives. You can love them, but that’s the only power you have. You can’t make somebody love you.
That’s why I’m heading off as soon as our last set ends.
It’s why I’m not holding out hope that Phoebe will be here.
And why I won’t be seeking her out.
I’m closing a door.
Chapter Sixty-One
Phoebe
I was beginning to feel a bit of a spare part in the main party space, so when Meg dashes over and tells me Osh is in the lighting control booth on the mezzanine level of the venue, I hurry to see him.
‘You scrub up well,’ he grins, planting a kiss on my cheek.
‘Why thank you. Quite shocked you’re not in jeans tonight.’
‘You and me both.’ He laughs as he brushes the jacket of his midnight-blue suit. ‘One of my mates working the cameras asked me if I was going to a wedding later. Cheek.’
‘Well, I think you look good.’
‘Which is why I’m glad you’re here, Phee. Welcome to my kingdom. Bit hot and stuffy but I think you’ll agree the view is the best in the house.’
I’ve seen Meg’s work before but this is a step above. Turquoise and blue lights bathe the vaulted glass space; on every table clusters of white pillar candles burn. Silver foliage entwines around each pillar and frames the giant steel staircase leading to the mezzanine. It’s as if the entire room has been transported beneath the clearest waters of the Indian Ocean and it feels as if everything ebbs and flows with a tide.
From here I can see the main stage, the spread of banquet-style tables and chairs and the three smaller stages dotted around them where magicians, dancers and acrobats will perform as the guests enjoy a five-course dinner. No matter where guests sit, they will see things happen. Everything has been tied into the theme with all the performers dressed in a similar colour palette.
‘It’s amazing. Meg is so good.’
‘She is. I’m trying to persuade her to work for me as a production designer, but she said she likes knowing exactly when she’ll be paid too much to leave. Security is for wimps, I say.’
He picks up the lighting sheet and studies it, although I know he’s already spent hours programming the light and effects sequences to run to the last millisecond. The paper undulates a little in his hand.
‘Relax, Osh. This is going to be brilliant.’
‘Hope so. Also hope this is the last lighting gig I have to do for a while.’
‘Have you heard about the commission?’
‘I’ll get confirmation on the sixth, but I’m optimistic. Everything’s ready. We just need that little green light and that hefty cheque from Warner Bros.’
‘It’ll come.’ I sit in the chair next to his and look at the control desk. It’s a complete mystery to me – countless flashing lights, sliders and buttons, all linked to a screen filled with rainbow coloured squares. I could imagine a Star Trek captain sending their ship into hyperspace at a control unit like this.
Osh discards the sheet and picks up a tablet with an identical configuration on its screen to the one above the control desk. When he taps a square several sliders move by themselves on the desk and the colour in the event space morphs from turquoise blue to silver-green, a projector sending waves of pale gold light dancing across the room like sunlight viewed beneath the ocean.
A rush of emotion takes me by surprise. Osh catches sight of my reaction from the corner of his eye and smiles.
Magic.
‘Cool, huh?’
‘It’s beautiful.’
‘That feeling? The one you have right now? That’s why I do what I do. For those moments. It’s smoke and mirrors and I know how it all works. But the moment you see the effect, that’s the magic.’ He gives a self-conscious smile. ‘Sorry.’
I reach over and squeeze his hand. ‘I’m so proud of you.’
‘Ugh, give over. You sound like my mum. But thank you.’ A light flashes on the tablet and the large screen, drawing his attention back to the desk. ‘Hang on, I just have to sort this. Do you have your mobile on you?’
‘Yes.’
‘Would you be okay to stay here and move things if I call you? Won’t be long – I don’t want to keep you from the party.’
Right now the opportunity to be present at the party without actually being in it is very appealing. ‘No problem.’
He beams at me. ‘Great. You’re a star!’