If she won’t see me, I’ll be better. I won’t make that mistake again.
‘Excuse me,’ a woman says, stepping out in front of me.
Crap, she’s seen the cab before I have. Where did she come from, anyway? The street was deserted a moment ago.
I must have said something out loud because she turns to face me, arm still outstretched.
‘I’m sorry, were you wanting a taxi?’
‘I was. But I wasn’t fast enough. Next time, eh?’
The black cab swings to a halt beside us, the driver lowering the passenger side window.
‘Evening. Where to?’
The woman gives me a brief smile. ‘Would you like to share? I wouldn’t normally offer but it’s New Year and these things are like gold dust. I’ve walked a mile already to find this one.’
See? Life can still surprise you. One less thing to be angry about. ‘Would you mind? That would be great.’
She beams. ‘Fantastic. Where are you going?’
I lean in and give the driver my address, then climb into the cab.
‘Thank you,’ I remember to say, when I am in my seat.
‘My pleasure.’ She turns to the driver. ‘And St Pancras Renaissance Hotel for me, please.’
All around me, the city swims.
Chapter Sixty-Seven
Phoebe
I’m the only person here.
But it doesn’t matter.
I’ve just come to mark the moment with an old friend.
He’s still gazing up. His trilby is still tilted on his head, the breeze from the platform still billowing out the hem of his mackintosh. Of course he hasn’t changed. But in the early hours of a new year, it’s comforting. It would be easy to think everything is different. Perhaps I should notice what’s remained.
My friends. My love of books. Mum and Dad.
And London – even though the city is constantly on the move. In my heart it will always be home.
It isn’t the day I said I’d be here. But now that I’m standing by Sir John, I have the strongest feeling it’s the day I was meant to be here. If he knows, he isn’t saying. I wonder how many other secrets he’s tucked away beneath that trilby.
It’s done. I’ve finally come full circle on my Grand Adventure. I could never have guessed how it would pan out or what I would experience.
How do I feel now it’s ended?
I touch the nook between Sir John’s neck and shoulder, where Meg hid the rose for Sam when I couldn’t be there.
Gratitude. That’s the overriding emotion. Even though there are moments and actions and decisions I might want to change, I’m grateful I had the chance to experience them at all. In the end, maybe that’s all that’s important.
I wasn’t here for Sam that day. But I didn’t leave him completely alone. Meg was here, and my message. If I’d never cared about him, I wouldn’t have given a second’s thought to what he was going to find by the statue. I did what I could where I was. That’s all I can ever do.
I’m still sad that we didn’t make it. I have to acknowledge that so it isn’t a shadow hanging over the next part of my life. Being in a different city will help – lots of new things to demand my attention. But I won’t ever wish it hadn’t happened.
‘Thank you, sir,’ I say to the statue in the empty station. I don’t care that I’m talking to an inanimate object. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only person to sneak a chat with the great man. He’s just a modest public artwork in a place that belongs to everybody – but Betjeman’s statue is now part of my life. We’ve shared a unique moment in time. That’s a beautiful thing. I stroke his cool face, surprised by a sudden welling of tears. ‘I’m sorry you got caught up in it. But thanks for passing the message on.’
‘I don’t think he minds.’
I close my eyes. The memory of Sam’s voice is so vivid, so real, that it shocks me. It’s warm and close and I can hear that smile of his dancing through each word. He had a wonderful voice. I still remember the thrill of hearing it, hundreds of miles from home; how it seemed to resonate deep in my soul. Like I’d known it for a lifetime already.
‘I hear he’s good at meeting people.’
No, that’s wrong. That isn’t what Sam said. Am I forgetting him already?
‘Even people who make total idiots of themselves.’
Light floods back in to my eyes. And there he is.
‘I was just saying goodbye,’ I manage – not the words I expected to say.
‘To Sir John or me?’
Looking at Sam feels like the biggest step of faith. ‘Both.’
‘Why?’
‘I have a new job. New home, too. I leave in two days.’
‘Oh. Congratulations.’
‘In Edinburgh,’ I rush, because if I don’t say it all now there won’t be another opportunity. ‘And I know you have somebody else now but I wanted to tell you that I think I chose Edinburgh because it would remind me of you. Of what you’ve meant to me.’
‘Phoebe, it’s not—’
‘And I think that, finally, I’m doing this because it’s what I want to do. I have you to thank for that. For believing in me, in the beginning. And keeping that faith in me all the time I was away.’
Holding my nerve is a battle. Sam is here. How could he possibly have known this is where I would be? He’s here and he’s looking like he doesn’t know whether to laugh or run away.
‘You left me a rose.’
‘I know, and it was nowhere near enough. But it was all I could do.’
‘No, listen. I understand. I didn’t for a long time – until tonight, in fact. I thought you abandoned me, but you didn’t. You left the rose and then later you spoke to me. You didn’t run away, Phoebe: I did.’
‘I wasn’t there…’
‘And I hadn’t been there for you while I was looking for Frank. I am so sorry I didn’t let you in.’
‘Finding him was important to you.’
‘It is – it was – but it would have been far easier if I’d had somebody to share it with. I didn’t see the mistake until Niven pointed it out. I never meant to hurt you.’
‘The last thing I wanted was to hurt you. I didn’t think I’d see you again.’
‘Me either. But here we are.’ His brow creases. ‘Sorry, did you say you’re going to Edinburgh?’
‘Yes.’
‘Where?’
‘At the university. That’s where I’ll be working.’
‘In Edinburgh?’
‘Yes.’ How many times do I have to say it?
And then he laughs, his head thrown back and the sound filling the empty concourse. It’s unexpected and beautiful and a precious gift I’ve been lost without.
‘You’re going to Edinburgh because of me and I’m staying in London because of you.’ He shakes his head. ‘What is it with us and trains in opposite directions?’
Is he laughing at me? Or should I get the joke? Either way I’m confused. I don’t know why Sam’s here or what I’m supposed to say to him and we’re the only two people in the station with an old iron statue between us. I have no script for this. My words are useless.