I want to go back in time and find the little girl, save her from the nightmare, and hug her close, whispering “everything will be all right.”
But I can never excuse what current, grown-up Lydia is doing.
“What did they say?” I come back to the conversation at hand, needing to keep her attention elsewhere so she won’t notice the change of direction I’m about to do.
“Mom tells everyone when they found me that I didn’t remember anything. You want to know a secret? I remembered everything! All he did, all he said, how we lived. But I didn’t share any of it. You know why? Because Mommy cried so much I was afraid she was gonna leave me if she knew the truth. No one wants a dirty girl.”
Oh, God, is this what her father said to her many times? Convincing the child to keep her mouth shut?
She elaborates. “Anthony and Mom never said a word about it. Maybe if they did, I wouldn’t have had to keep my mouth shut.”
That fucking piece of shit. I might agree with Lydia on one thing. How he died was not punishment enough for the crimes he committed.
I see the crossroads and swiftly go to the right, where strangely the road is fine, although a bit bumpy, but I do notice the red stop sign.
Now, there is no going back, and only death waits for me here.
Lydia, though, continues to follow me as if she’s in a trance, and I think in a way she is. I bet I’m the first person with whom she has ever shared all of this. “Then they sent me to boarding school, where all the popular kids picked on me. I wasn’t smart enough. Not like them. Their constant laughter still rings in my ears.” All of this doesn’t add up in my head. Why would Olivia send her child to such a school after what happened to her? “Mommy thought it would be easier for me to be around my peers after being deprived of it for so long.” She sighs. “She tried, poor her. She didn’t know how cruel this world might be.”
She should have gotten her daughter to therapy and not hide her head in the sand, thinking all was good simply because she believed the child didn’t remember.
Maybe then, none of this would have happened. “Once I came back, it wasn’t better, only worse with everyone catering to Zachary’s needs as always.”
“What kind of phrases did they all say?” I decide to pull this information out of her, because that’s what triggered her. She withstood demons as long as she could without outside help, but the words they might’ve spoken awoke all the fears, and with this desire to kill inside her, they brought her back to that hopeless girl who couldn’t do anything.
So, she made sure to free all those women from their fate.
She stays silent for a few beats before, replying, “Sweetheart, you look so happy tonight. Want to tell me why?” Such a common phrase that could have been said by anyone. For Lydia though, it was like an arrow straight to the bubble she has created around her psyche. “He would put me in the cage in his basement after asking that and starve me for a week so I wouldn’t look happy.” She sobs a little. “So when you— What have you done?” she screams again, probably catching on to the change of road. “You pretended to listen to me but deceived me again?” Disbelief along with hurt laces her tone. “You want to die so much, Phoenix? How about we raise the stakes then?” And with this, she drives so fast her bumper hits the back of my car, and I bump my head a little, seeing in the mirror how close she is to me. “You think if you die now, I won’t go after Zachary? Stop the car or I’ll make you.” She bumps into me again, and with this, I realize to get her into my trap, I’ll have to drive as fast as possible.
A heavy breath echoes in the car as my hands wrap around the steering wheel tighter, my knuckles turning white from the pressure as I steer the car to the side and take a hard turn, barely saving it from scraping the side on the guard rails.
Moving the sporty beast back onto the dark highway brightened only by my headlights, I press on the pedal hard as I drive much too fast, the wind slapping me in the face and blowing my hair in different directions. I don’t pay attention to the cold weather around me or how sweaty my palms have become on the wheel; I just grip it harder, even if it’s impossible. My heart beats so wildly against my ribs I’m afraid it might break them.
The endless road with no signs of life around greets me. The sky booms from the thunder following a flash of lightning accompanying the soon-to-arrive storm. The ocean waves crashing against the rocks can be heard in the distance below us, alerting anyone around them about the danger lurking on the edges of this storm.
No wonder we got a message earlier not to leave the house or, God forbid, go out in fishing boats. Some people said it might be suicide.
Intermittent sounds pop from the radio as it shifts among different stations, allowing me to hear only bits of conversations before it starts blasting annoying music that reminds me of horror movies.
Lydia wants to darken the mood.
Sinister laughter follows it, filling the car with dread and doom. My breathing stops for a moment, fear rushing through my veins, and my foot lifts from the pedal.
Gasping, I shake my head and block away everything but the desire to succeed, resuming the pressure on the pedal while everything around me moves in a blur, and glancing at the speedometer, I see it’s already above one hundred twenty.
I just have to hold on for a little longer. The GPS shows me I’m three minutes away from my destination.
There is another sharp turn, and I twist the steering wheel hard, the tires screeching against the concrete, and this time my car door bumps against the guard rails, but I still the cry of pain inside me.
Instead, I drive even faster, as far away as possible, so the car chasing me won’t catch me.
Under no circumstances can I slow down and allow this to happen, because it will bring destruction no one deserves.
It started with me, and it should end with me.
Even though she still hasn’t explained how I’m connected to this, but I don’t want to know either.
The laughter continues to echo inside the vehicle, but then the voice starts to hum to the song, chanting words that aren’t in the lyrics. “More. More. More.” Repeating the same phrase over and over again, driving me insane. I want to shout at her to shut up, but it’s a luxury I can’t afford.
If life has taught me anything in the last several years, it’s to never expect anything human from a devil.
He doesn’t know the words mercy or compassion, and the only thing he craves is your blood, and that’s never enough.
No matter how much she has hurt me… I could never atone for what I have done.
At least in her eyes, since I’ve committed the greatest sin by betraying her for someone else, just like all the other people in her life, according to her.
And I finally realize I never will, so what’s the point of prolonging the inevitable?
Dark clouds continue to gather in the sky. A lightning bolt flashes again before the pouring rain starts to fall, the heavy raindrops hitting the car with loud slaps, and I turn on the windshield wipers. It’s still almost impossible to see anything around me, but it doesn’t matter.
Finally, in the distance, I see the end of the guard rails and press the pedal harder, almost bumping the speed to one hundred fifty. I let go of the wheel, extending my hand through the window to the rain, a slight smile appearing on my face.