“Can you please just come pick me up?” I try to breathe on my hands. “I can … I can explain everything later.”
“Yeah, of course, just wait for me. Okay?”
“I’m going to the Walgreens down the street.” I can see the bright red sign from here, just a block over. I give Hannah the address, listening closely to whatever is going on in the background.
“Okay, I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
Hannah lives in Raleigh, an hour drive at least, maybe forty-five minutes if she speeds. So I’ll be waiting for a while.
At least no one inside the drugstore seems to care that I’m no longer abiding by the “no shoes” part of their two most basic rules. The cashier behind the counter doesn’t even look up as I weave my way into the farthest corner of the store and take my seat in one of the chairs near the pharmacy waiting area.
My legs ache, and I’ve already torn a hole in one of my socks. I wrestle the filthy, soaked things off my feet, and start rubbing at the numbed skin. I hope I can at least get some of the feeling back. None of my toes are blue, so I’m taking that as a good sign.
At first, I don’t even notice I’m crying. Maybe it’s because my face already feels raw from the wind outside, or because crying is something I’d been doing for nearly two hours straight before I made the phone call. My vision goes blurry as I start to cry again, staring at my naked feet. I try my best to wipe the tears away but the skin under my eyes stings so badly.
Jesus. I’m a fucking disaster.
I felt so numb on the walk over here, trying my best to get to the one place I knew had a pay phone. Everyone at school liked to joke it was probably the last one in the country. Because who needs pay phones anymore, right?
I pull my knees in tight, trying to keep quiet. If any of the employees notice, or see me, they don’t say anything.
“Get out of this house.”
I didn’t even know it was possible for Dad to look at me the way he had, it was …
Terrifying.
At first, it was calm. Almost like they wanted to hear me out. They let me talk, and then I was done. Mom never took her hands off her necklace, the cross, the one she told me Grandma gave her when she was seven.
Dad spoke up first. “That’s a good joke, son.”
Except the way he said it told me he didn’t think it was a joke. His voice was flat, like there was nothing to it.
“Dad …”
“You should take it back,” he added, to pretend like nothing had ever happened, that the conversation was dust that could just be wiped away.
But it couldn’t.
And even if that was possible, I wouldn’t want to.
I don’t think I would at least.
“Mom.” I looked at her, and she kept looking from me to Dad and then back to me, not saying anything. “Please?”
But she didn’t say anything. And Dad kept getting angrier. He never actually yelled at me. Dad’s voice was that scary sort of calm. We all just sort of sat there. “You’re our son, Ben. This just doesn’t make any sense.”
“Dad, I can—”
“Get out of my house, just get out of here.”
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“Please.” I begged them both. “Don’t do this.”
Dad led me to the door, and Mom followed on his heels. I just kept begging and begging, but they never did anything.
“Mom! Please!”
“God doesn’t want this for you, Ben.”
I begged her not to say that, and then I started crying. But that must not have been enough. The door closed, and I wanted it to open back up. I wanted this to be some cruel joke on their part. One I could forgive them for later. I tried the knob, but it was locked, even the spare key they hid under this fake rock didn’t work because they’d locked the dead bolt too.
I stop myself from rocking back and forth in the stiff chair, hoping, praying that Hannah can find me.
What could I even do now? They wouldn’t take me back, would they? Would I even go back? Would Hannah have some answers? I don’t even know what the hell I’m supposed to tell her, or if she’ll even be able to help me. God, what if she’s as bad as Mom and Dad? She can’t be, can she?
If only I’d just kept my goddamn mouth shut.
I don’t want to believe that, but it’s been ten years. Since she graduated, since we last talked to each other, since she left me alone with them. She could be a totally different person. The kind who hates who I am. But then again, I thought Mom and Dad might not either.
“Ben?”
I jump at the voice, not daring to look up.
“Benji?” It’s been forever since someone called me that. “Come on.”
It seems impossible for Hannah to already be here, but who knows.
“Hannah?” I murmur. My throat feels like it’s full of something. It’s harsh and prickly.
“Come on. These are your socks, right?” She picks them up carefully. The disgust on her face is humiliating.
I nod. “They’re ripped.”
“They’re wet too.” She balls them up and throws them in her purse. “Let’s get you home.”
I shake my head. “Don’t want to.” I feel like a child, but the thought of going back there—I can’t go back there.
“I meant my place. Come on.” Hannah puts her hand on my shoulders so she can grab under my arm and help pick me up. I guess I have been sitting here for an hour, because all the blood starts rushing into my legs again, filling them with that television-static feeling I hate. We walk out slowly, each step sending a sharp sting up my spine. I’m silently praying that the cashiers have found something else to do so they won’t see us.
Hannah’s car is still running, thankfully. When she’s finished helping me into the passenger’s seat, buckling my seat belt for me, she bolts across to the driver’s side. “I should’ve turned your seat warmer on, sorry.”
At least the car is warm.
“You feeling okay?” Hannah puts the car into reverse and backs out of the parking space, glancing between me and the rear windshield.
“Yeah,” I say, even though “okay” might be the thing I’m furthest from now. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Everything is … it’s gone.
“Are you hungry?”
I don’t reply. I’m not though. Mom had made chicken for dinner, but since I’d been planning this for weeks now, months even, my stomach had been churning all day, so much that I knew I’d never keep down whatever I ate. Even now on an empty stomach, my appetite is nonexistent, and the thought of any sort of food makes me feel sick.
“Ben?” Hannah says my name again, except this time she feels a thousand miles away. Then I hear her mutter, “Taking you to the hospital.”
“No.” I grab her arm, as if that’ll stop her from making the U-turn. “I’m fine, I swear.”
“Benji.”
“Just, can we go back to your place? Please?”
She looks at me with the same brown eyes I have, the ones we both managed to get from Dad.
“Okay.” She finds another turn lane, her blinker clicking in the deadened silence of the car. “You don’t want to talk about it, do you?”