“You okay?” They lean into the camera. “You seem spacey tonight.”
“Just thinking about a lot of things.”
“Talk to your enby mama!” They chuckle. “Dr. Haidari is in the building.”
“It’s a guy.”
“Again? Look at you.” They cheer. “Different guy or same guy?”
“Same one.” I open my mouth before I realize what I’m doing. “Mariam, how do you get someone to like you?”
They let out a little squeal and I have to put them on mute before Hannah or Thomas think something is wrong. “Sorry, I’ve just been waiting for this day for forever.” They pretend to wipe away a tear.
“Love the vote of confidence,” I add.
“How does he act around you?”
“The same way he acts around everyone else, pretty much.”
“Is it that confusing sort of friendly where you don’t know if he really is just being friendly, or if he’s flirting with you?”
“Basically.” I sigh. “I don’t even know if he’s queer. Or how the whole nonbinary thing would even work.”
“Cross your heart and hope he’s bi?” Mariam even makes the little “x” over their chest.
I can’t help but laugh.
“What do you like about him?”
“That’s kind of the thing. I don’t know if I like him, or if I like like him.”
“Have you ever had a crush before, Ben?”
“Not really? I mean there are people on TV that I find attractive, but no one I’ve really been attracted to, if that makes any sense,” I say.
“Not even Chris Evans?” they ask.
“He’s too beautiful, that doesn’t count.”
“True. How do you feel around Nathan?”
It’s such a strange feeling, honestly, and I’ve never really felt that way around anyone before. “He makes me nervous, but not really in a bad way?” It sounds strange when I say it out loud, but that’s exactly how it feels.
“Like your stomach gets all weird and you feel like you’re going to be sick, but it never happens?”
“Gross, but accurate,” I say, because it is. It’s the truth.
“Yeah, you’re crushing, my friend. Hard-core too.”
“Oh.” Is it weird that I had to have my best friend confirm this for me? It feels weird. But at least I know for certain now. I have a crush on Nathan Allan.
“Has he said anything about his sexuality or anything?”
“Nope.”
“He doesn’t know you’re nonbinary, does he?”
“I’m not out to him. I don’t think I can be.”
“Oh, Benji.” They sound heartbroken.
“It’s fine, I’m getting used to it.”
“You shouldn’t have to. Has he said anything that makes you think it’d be a bad thing to come out?” they ask.
“Not that I can really think of.”
“You just don’t want to?”
“I’m worried. He doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would out me or hate me. But what if he is?”
I could never imagine Nathan being that kind of person. But once I say those words, there is no taking them back. Now there’s no other school for me to transfer to, nowhere left for me to run. I’d be spending the next few months as a pariah.
“Oh, Ben … Maybe if you got him talking? Like, bring up something about sexuality or identity?”
“Because that’s totally natural and wouldn’t be suspicious in the least.”
“I wish I knew what to tell you. I’m sorry.”
“Maybe I’ll get over him,” I say. What’s the point in pining so much? It won’t help me. Won’t help him. He deserves something less complicated, more grounded. “He’s probably going off to school anyway.” And I’ll be here.
“High school relationships hardly last after graduation anyway, if that helps.”
“It’s whatever,” I say as my phone starts to buzz on my nightstand. Speak of the devil and he shall text you. Maybe I just talked about him too much, and his Nathan-sense went off or something.
Nathan: Hey are you busy this weekend?
“That’s him,” I say to Mariam.
We haven’t really talked much since that night on the roof. Apparently, his parents sprung a trip to visit his grandmother in Maggie Valley at the last minute. Other than that, it’s been a handful of texts here and there, but never a conversation lasting more than a few minutes.
Me: Not really, I don’t think so at least. Why?
Me: Are you back?
“What’s he saying?” Mariam asks.
“He’s talking about this weekend.”
“Ohhh, I’ll leave you two alone. I’m about to pass out anyway.”
I blow a kiss to the camera. “Good night.”
Mariam blows a kiss too. “You too, lover kid.” I close the laptop, leaving it right where it sits.
Nathan: Yeah got back this morning, wanted to see if you want to hang out or something?
Me: Oh um sure.
Nathan: There’s this cool thing happening in town on Saturday, want to check it out?
Me: What is it?
Nathan: It’s a surprise ;)
Nathan: If you say yes of course.
Me: Okay…
Nathan: Awesome
Nathan: I can pick you up around 5? It doesn’t start until 6:30 but we’ll want to get there early.
Me: That’s fine.
Nathan: Trying to make sure we get there with enough time. These things can get a little wild.
Me: okay… so how was your grandma’s?
I lean back on my bed and grab my sketch pad, needing something to clear my head. I flip past the pages of sketches. Right near the end, there’s the one of Nathan. The one of him on his bed, still mostly unfinished. And that just makes me think of his portrait back at school.
If I agree to this art show, will Mrs. Liu want that one? She seemed to really like it. I don’t know how I feel about my classmates seeing it. It just feels too personal.
Nathan: It was cool, a little boring though. She doesn’t have wi-fi and the service down there sucks. Basically the only time I could text you was when we went to the Walmart.
Oh. So he wasn’t ignoring me.
Me: That sucks, I’m pretty much lost without wi-fi
Nathan: Same!!!!!!!!
Nathan: So, I’ll see you tomorrow?
Me: Sure
Nathan: Awesome, good night Benjamin
Me: Good night, Nathaniel
The more I think about what I’m going to wear tonight, the more worried I get. Nathan still won’t tell me exactly what we’re doing, just that it’s something in Pullen Park. He’s also forbidden me from looking at the park’s website for a list of events. I’m not really clear on how he expects to enforce that last one, but I keep to my promise.
Why am I even this nervous? I shouldn’t be.
It’s not like this is a date. We’re just friends. Friends hanging out with each other and not doing anything else. I stare down at my hands, my nails naked now.
“Hey, do you need any money tonight?” Hannah knocks on my door while I stare at myself in the mirror. I’ve changed shirts three times now, finally deciding on one of the button-ups she bought me. Not the floral one. I still think that seems like it’s meant for a more special occasion. Maybe the art show if I decide to do it.