“You aren’t impervious to being hurt,” Avery argued. “He could pull out a gun and shoot you before you have a chance to do any of your super-awesome SEAL moves on him.”
Cole chuckled. “I’m doubting he’s going to pull a weapon in the middle of a crowded naval base.”
“You don’t know that,” Avery countered, not amused in the least. “Have you watched the news lately? There are shooting incidents all the time. And maybe he won’t use a gun. He could have a knife or something. Or maybe he’s got buddies who will gang up on you and beat you to a pulp. I just hate that my situation can get you hurt.”
Cole reached out a hand and placed it on the table in front of her, palm up.
Avery refused to reach for it. She wasn’t in the mood to be placated by him. Not this morning.
“Can we talk about us?” he asked.
“Do I have a choice?” she said into her coffee.
“You know why I haven’t initiated anything physical between us. We talked about it.”
Avery looked up into his eyes. She could feel herself wilting, caving in to what he wanted. He was so damn good-looking it made her insides hurt. His dark brown eyes were almost mesmerizing. She could stare at him for hours and get lost. His hair was a mess, sticking up all over the place, and he’d trimmed his beard this morning. In short, he looked so fucking hot, she had a hard time believing he was with her.
But he was holding himself back, and it was frustrating and demoralizing at the same time. He wanted something from her she wasn’t sure she could give him…namely, a promise of a long-term relationship. That wasn’t how the world worked, and she resented that he was putting all the pressure of their relationship on her. At least, that’s how it felt.
“No, you told me about it,” she countered. “We didn’t have a discussion at all. You said your piece and expected me to be all right with it. Well, I’m not all right with it, Cole. It’s not fair that you put what happens in our relationship entirely on my shoulders. You gave me an ultimatum, and it’s not sitting well with me.”
He blinked in surprise. “That’s not what I did,” he protested.
“Yes, it is,” she said firmly. “You said that when I was ready to accept you as my one and only man for the rest of my life that I had to make the first move. And when I did, it would basically be telling you that I was all the way ‘in’ as far as our relationship goes. Well, that’s not fair. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the future. Neither do you. And you might’ve said that to try to keep yourself from getting hurt, but what about me? What if I decide this is what I want and down the line, you can’t do it anymore? How do you think that’ll make me feel? Like shit, that’s how.
“So now, not only am I worrying about my patients at the hospital and the traitor, and trying to reassure my parents and sister that I really am all right after being a POW, and dealing with people staring at me everywhere I go as if they think my head’s going to start spinning in circles because of what happened to me, now I have the entire responsibility of our relationship sitting on my shoulders. I can’t kiss my boyfriend or let him feel me up or give me the orgasms I so desperately need and want, because he can’t handle anything more than my complete and utter surrender to him and his needs! I might be the one with the mental issues right now, but you wanting a ring and a white dress before you’ll even freaking kiss me isn’t exactly helping!”
Avery was panting by the time she’d finished, but it felt good to get her thoughts and feelings out once and for all.
Cole sat across from her with a stunned look on his face. When he didn’t say anything, Avery felt as if she was going to be sick. She scooted back her chair and stood. “I’m not hungry. I need to finish getting ready. I’m going to drive myself to the police station today, you don’t need to wait for me. I know you’ve got a meeting with your commander this morning. I’ll text once I get to the hospital.” Then she spun and headed back toward the bedroom.
And with every step she took, and Cole didn’t come after her to set her straight, to reassure her that he wanted a relationship with her no matter what, her heart sank further and further.
She’d probably fucked everything up with her little speech…but so be it. She couldn’t do this with Cole anymore. Couldn’t sleep with him every night and want him but only get a small piece of him. She wanted it all, and she didn’t want to have to predict the future in order to get it.
She closed the bathroom door and bent over, her hands propping herself up on the countertop. Looking into the mirror, she asked softly, “Why did I have to fall in love with the one guy who refuses to do anything physical with me? It’s crazy. Most guys would jump at the chance to have sex without commitment.”
Knowing she didn’t have time to stand there and ask questions to which she didn’t have the answers, Avery reached for Cole’s Budweiser pin. She was crazy to still be wearing it under her uniform and scrubs, but it was a talisman now. She felt as if she didn’t wear it, she was courting disaster.
But for the first time since she’d found herself chained by the ankle in that cave, she wanted the traitor to make a move. Wanted to confront him. Anything would be better than this cycle of sitting around and waiting for something to happen. Maybe then she could get on with her life.
When she came out of the bathroom, Cole was still there. She’d thought he would’ve left. Kinda wished he would’ve.
“I really want to talk about this more,” he said quietly, standing when he saw her.
“I can’t,” she told him honestly. “Not right now. I just need you to give me some time. And space.”
“Talk to me,” Cole begged.
But she couldn’t. She’d already lashed out at him and felt guilty about it. She didn’t want to hurt him any more, and she knew if she talked to him in the mood she was in right now, she’d say something that would make him turn away from her for good.
Without a word, she grabbed her purse and headed for the door.
“Avery?” he called out, and she could hear the concern in his voice.
“I’m going to go to the police station and look at pictures again,” she told him. “Please lock the door when you leave.”
Then she was gone, hurrying down the stairs to her car. Once inside, she looked into her rearview mirror and saw Cole standing by her apartment door, looking down at the parking lot…probably making sure she made it to her car safely.
Cole was the best boyfriend she’d ever had. Attentive, caring, sensitive to her moods. He had great friends and got along with her parents. But the not-touching-her sexually thing was stressing her out. It made no sense.
Thinking about her parents made her long to talk to her mom. So she clicked on her name on her phone and within seconds, she heard the phone ringing through the Bluetooth in her car.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Mom, it’s me,” Avery said, relaxing at the sound of her mom’s voice.
“Hey, honey. It’s early there. Everything all right?”
Leave it to her mom to cut right to the chase. Avery had talked to her several times over the last couple of weeks, but this time she needed her advice more than just a little chit-chat. “No. I had a fight with Cole this morning. At least I think it was a fight. I kinda did all the talking.”