He’s sitting on a chair next to the bathroom door, looking at me. He’s wearing clothes, and I have the feeling he’s already packed his bag. “Sit. Where are you going?”
I sit back on the bed, my back to him, and sigh. I can’t look at him. I can only guess the anger in his eyes. “Back to my bed. Look, I’m sorry, I just wanted to—”
“Do you realize what you’re doing to me?”
I nod. I’m doing exactly what I hoped. Making him question his relationship with the perfect guy, making him want me, making him want to be mine.
“So you know I’m in love with you?”
Though his words seem sweet, it’s not a love declaration. His voice is full of hurt—because of me and my actions. I squirm. What the fuck have I done? My elbows rest on my thighs, and my face in my hands.
“I’m not telling you to hear it back, Dex, because God knows you’re not there yet. You might never be. I didn’t want to tell you, especially now, when you’re grieving. But I need to. You need to know, because all of your side glances and subtle touches are killing me. You coming to my bed tonight, kissing me and sleeping in my arms, is torture. We don’t want the same things. You just pushed me to break up with a great guy by text. That’s not fair to him. And I really didn’t want to do it by sending a message in the middle of the night, but I’m not the kind of guy who can have another man in his arms, love someone else, and continue leading on his boyfriend just because I’m afraid of loving you. Fuck, I love you, I love fucking you, and I want you. There I said it. So this, tonight, whatever you want, I can’t give it to you if you’re not a hundred percent sure you want me too, and not because someone else had me. Do you understand where I’m coming from?”
I nod again. I’m speechless. Luke is the only person who can knock every word out of me. I was ready to go back to our friends-with-benefits arrangement. I mean, we used to have fun and I felt safe, but love? That’s a game-changer, and I don’t know what I should do. Should I answer? Should I tell him what I think? Should I love him? Maybe the rum gave me a little too much confidence and I came in here a little too careless with my intentions. Now that I got more than what I bargained for, I don’t know what to do with this information overload. I’m losing myself, and it’s all too much. I want to kiss him and fuck him all night, but can I continue hurting him and giving him hope if I’m not sure I want him forever?
“Does it have to be so complicated?” I murmur.
“I wish it weren’t, babe. I’m taking all the blame. I knew the first time I met you that if I could kiss you, my game was over. So, I’m sorry. I know I can’t push you, but I can’t go on either.”
He waits for me to say something back, but I have nothing to add. I don’t know what I want anymore. I wish my dad were here so I could confide in him. I wish he could guide me.
“I’m going home tomorrow,” he finally says, his voice dripping with pain. “Sleep here. I’ll take the couch.”
Without another a word, he walks away from me, letting me wonder what we could have been and what we’ll never be.
17
Luke
“What did he do?” Julie asks with an accusatory tone.
She’s driving me to the airport, her daughter in the backseat. Julie’s been quiet all morning, obviously aware that something had happened but not prying in front of the others.
An awkward silence fell around the breakfast table when I announced I needed to go home. It turned into uncomfortable bleakness when Dex left the table abruptly. Virginia and Ian followed him, and Ryan looked at me, clearly expecting an explanation that never came. When he tried to ask, it was my turn to disappear.
By the time I was done packing, Dex had left with Ian. I felt lighter in a way. Not having a confrontation with Dex was a breath of fresh air, since I knew what was waiting for me in LA. I couldn’t blame Bruce for wanting to sort it all out, but I wasn’t running home joyfully either. He’d thought we were fine and became a little upset when he received my text last night. There’s nothing like a fight through text messages. I stopped answering at one point. You can only apologize so many times for breaking someone’s heart.
I should have left last night. I could have gone to Jim, my mentor who took his retirement out here, or taken the first flight out to break up with Bruce in person
First, I’d thought I was dreaming. The kiss, the spooning—Dex would have never done that when we were sleeping together. My brain couldn’t comprehend what was happening until I was too hot and woke up with him in my arms.
Instead of feeling happy, I was disgusted with myself. I was sleeping with one man while in a relationship with another. My throat burned, and I had a bitter taste in my mouth and a heaving stomach. I wish waking up next to the man I love had left me feeling rejuvenated, but I felt sick, dirty, and wished I was anywhere but in bed with Dex.
I got up and sent Bruce a message. Then I sat in the most uncomfortable chair I’ve ever sat on and weighed my options. The more I thought about what I’d done, the angrier I was. I was angry with Dex for having put me in that position but also with myself for having let it happen. My behavior toward him was blurry, and as flattered as I was by the attention he was giving me, I couldn’t stop wondering if it was because I was in a relationship with someone else. Dex always got what he wanted, but did he want me because he had feelings for me or because Bruce was in the picture? Was he ready to jump into a relationship where the other one was already hooked? I’m not so sure, especially since he’s in the middle of his own life-altering drama.
I need space, I need to be assured he wants me, I need to know I can still walk away, but most of all, I need him to know I love him and I’m hurting because of him. But his silence spoke volumes. It was time to go home.
“Nothing,” I tell Julie. I feel like a shot bear leaving a path of blood everywhere I go. I need to retreat to my cave and lick my wounds. It won’t take long, it never does, but I really don’t need anybody to continue poking at me.
“Seriously, Luke? You were fine when we went to bed last night, and now you just pick up your shit and leave? And I should believe nothing happened with Dex? You were sleeping on the couch and he was in your bed for no reason?”
My eyebrows shoot to my hairline. How does she know? I was extra quiet last night to be sure nobody would realize.
“Don’t look at me like that, buddy. I have a baby who barely sleeps. And don’t worry, I haven’t told Ian. We decided your relationship with the Ass Prince can’t be discussed anymore. I always take your side, he always takes Dex’s, and we end up fighting. If you’re worth it for me, Dex isn’t.”
I nod, understanding what she means. Dex and I used to fight about them, and we weren’t even together.
“Can I ask you something though?”
“Of course.”
“Is he worth all the agony filling your heart right now?”
I give her a weak smile. “As much as Ian was worthy of you inking your body before knowing if he would be yours.”
She nods. She doesn’t need more explanation, but I need to justify my feelings for him. I need to lay it out to someone—to the universe maybe, or to me.