“We have two options for tonight after dinner.”
“Oh lord,” I roll my eyes dramatically, earning me a pinch in the ribs. “Ah.” I slap his hand away, making him chuckle and kiss the side of my head. “What are our two options, Master?”
“Is it wrong that I love that you just called me Master? I think I might have to implement that into our bedroom activities tonight.”
I snort. “Bedroom activities? What are you, seventy? You can say sex or fucking, or even lovemaking if you want to be totally cheesy about it.”
“Fine.” He leans in right up to my ear, his hot breath sending shivers down my skin. “I’m going to tie you up and make you call me Master, while I spank your ass red before I fuck you into tomorrow. How’s that?”
I flush. It only took like two seconds too. “That sounds like something we could try, Master,” I wink at him, and he presses his lips to mine with a fierce kiss that leaves me breathless.
“Now, as I was saying, slave girl,” he raises an eyebrow at me and I can’t help but laugh. Ryan leans forward, placing his elbow on the table and propping his head up with his hand. “We have two options for after dinner. One, we could go to the beach and walk around, or we could go to a club that Claire got us passes for.”
“Hmm. Well, I don’t know how safe the beach is at night here. I don’t really feel like getting mugged or having to run for my life in a mini dress and five-inch heels.”
“Good point. The club then?”
I reach for my wine glass and take a sip, mulling it over. “Nah. I’m not really feeling clubby tonight. What if we just went to a bar or something?”
“Sure. I’m up for that. Besides, we have a long drive tomorrow.”
I nod. “True. Where are we stopping anyway? We never did decide.”
“No.” He leans in to kiss my head before taking my hand and kissing my fingers. Did I mention how he can’t keep his hands off me? “We haven’t. What are you thinking? Do you want to go up the Pacific Coast Highway toward Big Sur and Carmel, and see how far we get before we want to stop?”
I shrug. “Sure. That sounds like a plan. But we should probably leave on the earlier side then. That’s more than a six-hour drive, right?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
Our food arrives and we eat, chatting about the various places we’d like to stop along the way. We decide to spend two nights in San Francisco because neither of us has ever been, and two nights in Redwood National Park because I want to hike and explore and even camp—gulp. Then it’s a long haul up to Portland, and after that, Seattle—another gulp. Both of us turn inward after that realization.
Yes, we knew this trip was eventually going to end.
But the question lingers in the air, unspoken between us.
Then what?
I don’t know. I really freaking don’t. Part of me wants to ask Ryan if he wants me to stay. But a slightly larger part tells me that is a bad idea. Not because of him, but because I’m not ready. I don’t want to just grab onto someone and not formulate any sort of life for myself. I want to stand on my own two feet for a while. Find my bearings and see where and how I end up.
That was always my plan.
Then Ryan came along, and now I find myself rethinking things I shouldn’t.
Do I want him? Without a doubt. Am I in love with him? I’m not going there. I like him. A lot even, but that’s as far as I’m allowing my brain to go. The thought of loving another man feels…well, it just feels wrong. I know it’s not. I know it would be a good thing, a healthy thing, but that idea kills me.
How can I love another man when I still love Eric?
And isn’t that betraying his memory just a little bit?
I always thought of Eric as the love of my life, so what would that mean for the next guy? Will they always be in second place? That’s not exactly fair, and I don’t want Ryan to ever be second. He deserves to be first all the way, and I don’t know if I can give him that—at least not right now.
Here’s the kicker though, last night before I fell asleep in his arms, I imagined what our life together could look like. Would our children be dark or blonde? Blue- or green-eyed? Tall or short? Would he want boys or girls? Does he even envision a wife and family?
It’s hard to go from having a family to not, but the idea of never having any more children is a bit more than I can handle.
Having Maggie was the best thing I ever did. She was the light of my life. The love of my life. My entire world. I miss her desperately. Every day I wonder what she’d be like if she were still alive. What new and exciting things would come into her world.
I want that again. Not this minute, but eventually.
And I can see myself doing that with Ryan.
Probably because he’s the first guy I’ve been with since Eric. Yeah, that must be it. I’m sure I’d be doing the same thing with any guy I was…whatever the hell it is I’m doing with Ryan.
We leave the restaurant hand in hand, after I finally convinced him to let me pay. That was an argument. Stubborn man.
We end up walking two blocks down and then find a small but nice-looking bar. I order another glass of red wine. If we’re waking up early tomorrow and driving a million miles, the last thing I want to be is hungover. Ryan is feeling me on this because he orders a beer instead of his usual whiskey.
We get back to the hotel early, and true to his word, Ryan does tie me up and spank my ass. It’s a first for me, and I have to admit, I am totally into it. It’s not something I want to do every day, or even go beyond his hand, but it’s hot and fun.
He passes out quickly after our nightly workout, and just as I’m about to fall asleep, I feel it. The crazy sense that everything is the way it’s supposed to be.
But instead of filling me with comfort, it makes me uneasy.
Our alarm goes off at eight, and after hitting up the gym, we shower, pack up our stuff and get on the road. The Pacific Coast Highway is everything you read about. Gorgeous, unparalleled views of the Pacific Ocean, and windy, scary-as-hell roads along cliffs with nothing between you and the edge but an occasional guardrail. I let Ryan drive for that part because I’m far too distracted and nervous to do it myself.
We have all the windows down and are blasting music and having the best time when we stop for lunch in Santa Barbara. We grab sandwiches and take them to the beach for a picnic, sinking down into the sun-warmed sand. It’s only in the low seventies with a good breeze on us, but I’m comfortable in my jeans and t-shirt.
We sit in silence, just watching the Pacific crash onto the shore and a few surfers having at it in the waves. It’s beautiful here. Palm trees and sunshine. Could I live in this type of world? Maybe? Being able to go to the beach every day certainly wouldn’t be a bad thing.
“I know we’re not really talking about the end of this trip,” Ryan’s voice snaps me out of my reverie. “But if I haven’t mentioned it, I’m having the time of my life.”
I turn to him and smile brightly. “Me too. It’s been the best.”
“You like it out here? Don’t you?” he asks, trying to sound light but not really managing it. His eyes are fixed out on the ocean.
“I do, actually. I think I may add it to my short list, but I don’t know if I’m really a California girl,” I laugh. “Despite having the hair for it.”