Her small body turns towards me and her eyes fill with…regret? Apology?
“I live in Seattle,” she says so quietly, I have to strain to hear her, and even then it takes me a moment to understand her words.
“What? Since when?” I wasn’t expecting that answer at all, and it’s definitely throwing me through a loop. I lean forward, placing my forearms on my spread thighs.
“For the last two and a half months.”
I shoot up off the couch, pacing toward the dining area with my hand running through my hair. I have no idea where I’m going, but there is no way I can sit right now.
She’s been in Seattle for two and a half months?
That’s practically since she left me.
What. The. Fuck?
“And you’re just showing up now?” I turn to her, resentful, hurt, incredulous, and full of unanswered questions.
She stands up, walking to me and suddenly the last thing I want is her close proximity.
“Please sit down, Ryan. I have a lot to tell you. A lot to explain.”
Her tone is confident, and now that I’m looking at her, really looking at her, I see her eyes are lighter somehow. Not the color necessarily, but they’re lacking the weight that used to surround them.
“Please,” she says again when I don’t move.
Walking back over to the couch, I reluctantly sit down, rubbing my hands up and down my face.
Katie strides over, sitting down next to me, but leaving enough space to maintain my sanity. She smells like the cold and snow—and Katie. I hate the power she has over me. Hate how I still love her as if the months of absence never happened.
“After I left here,” she starts quietly, calmly, her hands folded neatly in her lap. “I hopped on the first flight out, which just so happened to be to Hawaii. I was a mess,” she chuckles lightly, but there is no humor in it. “For so many reasons, really.” She tilts her knees in my direction, her eyes locked on mine. “You see, I left because I felt like I was betraying Eric by loving you. By wanting to be with you. I missed Eric terribly, and I thought that if I still missed him like that, then there was no possible way I could ever be with you fully.”
“Katie, that’s not what I was asking for.”
She holds up a hand, stopping me. “Please just let me talk. I know you have a lot to say as well, but if I don’t do this, I’ll never get it out.”
I wave a hand in the air, giving her the floor, though I just want to grab her and pull her into my arms and not bother with the rest. I also want to shove her out the front door and slam it in her face. I don’t think I’ve ever felt such conflicting emotions in my entire life.
“At first, it was all about Eric and Maggie. I stayed at the place where we honeymooned, with the sole intention of seeing him in my mind. Of feeling him everywhere I went. And Maggie is a natural extension of everything I do, and always will be, so she was there too. Then you started sending me those texts.” I can’t help but grin, even though it feels funny on my lips and small in purpose. “I loved those texts, Ryan. Counted down the seconds until I got another. I rarely let my phone out of my sight for fear that I’d miss it. I was indignant and depressed and grief-stricken, and fucking heartbroken for so many reasons, and just…emotionally spent.”
Katie shifts closer to me, but I don’t dare move. I can’t let her touch me. She’s going to leave again the second this conversation is done, and if she touches me, it’ll ruin me for good.
And then what?
Then I’m fucked, that’s what.
“Then one day, out on a walk, I found a boxing studio. My trainer, Tiger—” I raise an eyebrow at the name that she ignores. “—was so amazing. And Ryan?” I look at her fully as my name passes over her lips. “It helped. Something about beating those bags just does it for me,” she smirks, tilting her head down, her wet, blonde hair clinging to her cheek.
The urge to brush it behind her ear is real, but I hold myself back.
“Anyway, I was still so conflicted about everything, and then a friend called,” her smile widens. “My mother-in-law. Long story short, she set me straight on a lot of things, and that afternoon, I flew back here, to Seattle.”
I stand up, needing to move, and end up pacing around the coffee table in front of the fire, but the heat coming off of it is too much, so I head to the kitchen, needing a fucking drink.
Katie gets up, following me in.
Grabbing a glass from the cabinet, I pour myself three fingers of whiskey, downing half of it in one gulp.
“You got some for me?” she asks, and I smile into my drink as I down the rest of it. I grab another glass and pour her some, before refilling mine.
“So you’ve been here since you came back from Hawaii?” I question and prompt. I need her to keep talking.
She nods, taking a small sip of her whiskey and licking her lips the way she always does after she drinks alcohol. Fuck, I love that.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come to you sooner.”
I hate the sincerity in her voice. Unable to even look at her right now, I turn, facing the sink and the window with my back to her.
“I wanted to. Believe me when I tell you that I did, but I still wasn’t ready. I needed more time. I needed to find myself.”
“What the fuck does that mean, Katie?” I spin around to glare her. “What kind of crap is that? You couldn’t even let me know that you were safe? That you were in town and doing okay? I would have given you space if you had asked, but to never even contact me…” I shake my head, unable to finish my thought.
She looks down, setting her glass on the marble. “I’m sorry, Ryan. I really didn’t think of it like that. I was afraid that if I came to you too soon, I would mess everything up worse than I already had. I’ve never been alone. Not since the age of twelve.”
She does that nervous laugh thing again before pulling her attention back up to me.
“I mean, I was alone for those two plus years after they died, but that didn’t really count. I’ve never been alone, living a real life. So I got a small apartment close to the hospital, transferred my nursing license here, and I joined a mixed martial arts studio to help channel my anger. I do yoga twice a week to try and Zen out all of that anger, and I go to a support group once a week for people who have lost spouses and children. I finally feel like I’ve gotten myself together,” she spits out as fast as she can before her shoulders sag slightly, like just saying all of that was exhausting.
Slowly, she moves around the island, stopping in front of me and locking her eyes with mine.
“I know I’ve been gone a while. That you’ve been living your life without me and that I don’t deserve your forgiveness, let alone another chance, but I want it. Both of them. I want to be with you, Ryan, and all that entails.”
30
Ryan
* * *
I want to say yes to her instantly. To grab her small perfect body that I love so much and kiss her into tomorrow, but I’m not moving. I’m just staring at her, wondering if she’s going to cut me to shreds again. Wondering how long this new Katie will last before the old wounds come out and take her from me.