I never expected this place. I never expected Alex to leave me that first day. I drop a mental pebble and pick a flower. It’s a yellow buttercup that I choose, the color vibrant and fresh. My hands tighten and I try not to crush the flower as I think of my punishment for speaking to Alex. It also makes me think of the handshake that I had endured with Lucas. I frown when I think of every insult, every hurtful tactic of his, yet I saw past all that to the man behind the mask as such. The man who seared me with a kiss. I’d never felt so off balance with someone before. Like the ground was shifting under my feet. I look up as I pass several flowerbeds.
I stop to try to sort it out. I just felt lost. I had no idea what was going to happen or where this would all end.
I walk as far as the maze but don’t enter it. I don’t want to be in Henry’s company again. The thoughts of him makes me wrap my arms around my waist and return to the house.
I arrive just as supper is being served. We have all fallen into a routine over the last couple of days. It’s like since Lucas disappeared we have just all learned to fill our days.
The soup warms me and I’m aware of how quiet Hannah is. “What’s wrong?” I ask her and she looks at Jessie.
“Jessie.” I raise a brow knowing whatever it is, Jessie will spit it out. Hannah had a tendency to go around things. She’s just trying to spare my feelings, I remind myself.
“The dates started the other day.” I try not to react. My stomach hollows and the soup hits the pit of it heavily.
I bob my head while Hannah chews on her lip. “We all knew they were happening.”
I want to ask who went and where did they go. I can’t eat. Placing my spoon in my bowl, I butter a small roll to give myself something to do.
“Bernie and Mary had their dates,” Hannah whispers to me. The other girls were so loud that they couldn’t hear us.
“Where did they go?” When I ask, Jessie and Hannah smile.
“What?” I question.
Hannah tries to look innocent. “I just thought you didn’t care.”
“I don’t.”
Jessie snickers.
I force a spoon of soup into my mouth and decide I should forget about it. It didn’t matter.
“Both of their dates were in the garden.”
I incline my head while taking another spoon of soup. I know Jessie is still smiling so I refuse to look at her.
“They said he was charming.”
I can’t stop myself from looking at Jessie and she burst out laughing.
“Stop teasing.” Hannah warns and the tension in my body has me stiffening.
“I’m only messing,” Jessie says.
I need to relax. They were so good to me the last few days. “I know. I’m too uptight,” I say with a smile.
“Yeah, I do think you need to loosen up a bit.” Sandra’s voice is like nails on a chalkboard.
“Private conversation.” Hannah informs her and I grin. Hannah is always nice, so to see her with a raised brow and attitude is funny.
“I just think Ella needs to lighten up. No one died.” I glance at Sandra with her smug smile. Does she know? Was that a direct jab at me? My heart pounds wildly. She couldn’t know. Unless Lucas somehow knows and told her. My hands grow slick with sweat.
I force a wobbly smile. “You’re right, Sandra. No one has died, yet.”
Mary and Bernie sit on either side of her and inhale deeply. Like what I said was scandalous.
“Did you just threaten me?” Sandra doesn’t sound put out, in fact she sounds smug.
“I don’t want to report you to Master Andrew. I’m sure threatening my life would have you sent home. I mean Vicky was sent home over a slap and since I’m the favorite and about to have a ring on my finger.” She spreads her fingers and looks at her imaginary ring.
I feel sick.
“Maybe it’s time you went home so we don’t all have to look at your pitiful face.” Flicking her long blond hair across her shoulder, she glares at me.
I can feel Hannah lean forward, but I put my hand on her arm to stop her.
“Report me,” I say and Sandra’s glare dissolves and now she just looks unsure. I push out my chair and stand.
“I will.” Sandra bites back, her temper flaring.
“Do that,” I say with a smile.
Her cheeks glow. “I will.” She shouts.
My smile widens. “Good. I don’t want to be here.” I turn on my heel and not for the first time find someone watching me, only this time it's Master Andrew. It’s my turn to have my cheeks blaze with color. He’s walking towards the table and honestly there is a large chance that I’m going home so I continue to leave the room. I don’t look at Lucas’s father as I pass him, I’m ready and waiting for him to stop me but he doesn’t. My pace slows and I glance over my shoulder at his receding back.
“Could I have a word Master Andrew?” I can hear Sandra say.
“In a moment.” He corrects her.
I’m out the door with a pounding heart and sweaty palms.
Why didn’t he say anything about what he overheard? Was there a chance he hadn’t heard us fighting?
Did it really matter?
I go to my room and consider packing so I’m ready. But I’m not ready. Instead, I take a shower and change into my nightdress. I’m pacing, staring at my door but no one enters. No one comes to send me home and that in itself is far more disturbing.
I’m waiting and waiting for what I’m not sure, but I finally get into bed and close my eyes.
Sleep is hard to find, but it finally finds me and sends me down a dark path. One filled with memories of my father. Against my will, he haunts me with his songs and smiles. I can see the vodka bottle lying on the wooden floor. His feet floating in the air. Hands cover my eyes and I’m surrounded by my mother’s perfume and tears.
I wake with a pounding heart. I’m not overwhelmed with sadness, but I was only six when my dad died.
I was only six when he took his life.
I was only six when I found him hanging from the fan ceiling.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
ELLA
Pushing back the quilts, I hope to also push aside the doom I’m feeling as I step out onto lush carpet. I focus on the feel of it under my feet and the feel of the soft sheets under my palms. I focus on the here and now.
Glancing around my room it’s as messy as my mind so I start to clean. I clean until the sun breaks through the crack in my curtains. I do as my mother had always told me. You must touch each item in a room to effectively have the room cleaned. So that’s what I do. Every item, every garment moves through my hands. I focus on textures, colors and the smell. Once I have that done, I take a shower and get dressed for the day.
I’m sitting on the side of my bed ready for breakfast. The door creaks open and I’m expecting Jessie and Hannah since I didn’t see them after my fight with Sandra.
Blood pools into my shoes as Master Andrew steps into my room, with a crooked smile on his face he gently closes the door behind him. I swallow as I focus on his leather gloved hands.
My mind flashes to all the murders we saw on the criminal show. I shush the over dramatic voice in my head and get off my bed.