He smiles.
Yes. It’s a good idea. A very good idea.
After I put the kids to bed, the fire is out and Gavin is sitting on the edge of the dock. The moon is massive and lights up the whole lake.
“Hi,” I say, sitting beside him, cross-legged.
“Hi,” he says, smiling. “Girls okay?”
“They seem fine,” I say. “Tired but cozy.”
He nods. “You’re really good with them.”
“Thanks,” I say. “So are you. You totally saved me with the Big Dipper.”
He’s sitting about a half a foot away from me. Not even. He smells like smoke from the fire.
“Anytime,” he says.
I look up at him. My whole body tingles.
Our eyes are locked, and neither of us looks away.
Do I want this to happen?
“I . . . so . . .” He hesitates.
I take a gulp of air.
“This,” he says.
Heart. Thumping.
I can feel him beside me. He is so close. He clears his throat. “If it weren’t for Eli and Kat . . . would we . . . would we be a thing?”
He said it. It’s out there.
“I think . . .” I say slowly. “That if it weren’t for Kat and Eli, we . . . would be a thing.” I can barely breathe. This thing between us is not in my head. It is real. His thigh was touching mine in the hot tub. On purpose. I wondered, and now I know.
“Yeah.”
“So.”
He inches closer to me.
What am I doing? Is this going to happen? Is he going to kiss me?
Do I want him to kiss me?
My boyfriend left me for Europe! I am on a dock in the moonlight under a starry sky with a gorgeous guy who wants to kiss me! Why shouldn’t I kiss him? Eli is doing who knows what who knows where, and if I’m not going to do something like kiss a guy who is not my boyfriend when I am nineteen, when am I going to do it?
The air is suddenly thick. I push thoughts of Eli out of my mind.
Gavin is so cute. He moves closer. I move closer. He is right beside me, his leg once again pressed against mine. I can’t think of anything except what his lips will feel like. This is happening. There is no stopping it. It is happening right now. I close my eyes—
“Hellllllo?” we hear.
I pull back quickly, my heart racing. Shit, shit, shit.
“Where are you guys?”
I turn around. It’s Janelle.
“Right here.” I leap to my feet.
“Talia asked me if I would come, so I came!”
“Oh! Great! Awesome. She okay?” I straighten my shirt even though no one touched it. No one touched anything. Nothing happened.
“Yeah, she’ll be fine. She downed an entire bottle of Pepto.”
“I thought she had a headache,” Gavin says.
“I was being discreet,” I mutter.
Gavin stands. He doesn’t look at me. “I guess I’ll head back.”
“You are the sweetest for hanging out here,” Janelle says to him. “Are you coming on my overnight too? We go tomorrow night!”
“I don’t think so,” he says. “Maybe Morgan?”
“Talia said she would switch with me tomorrow night. So I don’t have to sleep out here again, although it’s kind of awesome out here so I don’t mind.” Her hands are waving all over the place. “Did you pee in the woods?”
“On that note, I guess I’ll go,” Gavin says.
“Thank you for staying with me,” I say quickly.
“Anytime,” he says, and then he’s gone.
I show Janelle to Talia’s tent and then sneak into mine. I turn over and then turn over again.
One of the girls is snoring. My heart won’t stop racing.
What just happened?
Or what just almost happened?
Something just almost happened. I almost let something happen.
Did I want that to happen?
Yes. I definitely did.
But what about Eli? What’s wrong with me?
I close my eyes and imagine Gavin kissing me, over and over again, knowing that if Janelle hadn’t shown up, I wouldn’t have said no.
WEEK 3 SCHEDULE—BUNK 6A
Week 3
The next morning, Janelle and I help the girls roll up their sleeping bags, which is ten times harder than it should be. I have the most trouble with mine and most of the bag ends up spilling over the edge like a muffin top.
“Thanks again for coming,” I tell Janelle.
“Anytime!” she says. “It was fun. I was just OD. I would rather be sleeping under the stars then stuck in the cabin any day. I have serious FOMO. I want to try it all! See everything! Kiss everyone!”
I laugh. “Sounds fun.”
“It is,” she says. “I’m sure I’ll slow down eventually, but now’s not the time in our lives for us to be stuck in a box, you know?”
“I think I can see what you mean,” I say. We start to carry our stuff to the clearing near the water.
Gavin is sitting in a rowboat.
“Oh. Hey,” I say, feeling incredibly awkward.
“Hey.” He’s wearing his sunglasses and I can’t read his expression. Also the sun is bright so I’m squinting, which doesn’t help the awkwardness.
Silence.
Okay, then.
Does he regret what almost happened? Do I?
My head feels blurry. Cottony. I need coffee.
“Do the girls need help with their bags?” he asks.
“We’re okay,” I tell him. “Thanks.” Squint.
I hear more squealing and an “I got pee on my shoe!” and we put our stuff back in garbage bags, and then back in the rowboats.
“Come row with me, Sam!” Janelle says, and I climb into her boat.
Gavin pushes us off.
Half the girls are cranky and overtired and the other half are pretty much asleep.
“The girls in my tent all woke up having to pee in the middle of the night,” Janelle says. “I thought a bear was going to get us for sure. What a night.”
You’re telling me.
We drop off our stuff at the bunk. Talia is still in bed.
“I am so sorry,” she says, jumping up. “How did it go?”
“Fine,” I say. “Thanks for sending Janelle.”
“Was she super annoying?” she whispers.
“Not at all,” I say. “She was great. Arrived just in time.” Just, just, just in time.
“I don’t know what happened to me,” she says. “But I think the worst is over.”
We have showers first period, which we all appreciate, then drama, then Newcomb. Newcomb is basically volleyball, but you catch and throw the ball instead of volleying it. Then we have lunch washup, and lunch. Half the girls run to the Rec Hall during Rest Hour to try out for tomorrow night’s talent show, but I nap. After lunch, we have SI—swim instruction—in the lake.
Instead of going in, Talia and I sit on the dock. I can’t tell if going in the water now would wake me up or if I’m still so tired I would sink to the bottom. I’m pretty sure the latter.
I watch Gavin across the lake when I know he’s not looking. I’ve been playing a careful game of it, trying to make myself appear extremely busy when his sailboat is heading in our direction.