It’s just the two of us. Alone. I can barely breathe.
He sits down right beside me, almost touching me, and we’re both looking straight out at the lake.
“Hi,” he says.
“Hi,” I say back.
“I really want to kiss you,” he says.
“I really want to kiss you too,” I say. “But I . . .” My words trail off.
His lifts his hand and his fingers graze the top of my arm. My whole body is alive.
I should move. I should stand up. I should say, We shouldn’t do this.
He runs his thumb to the tips of my fingers.
My whole body feels like it’s going to explode.
I look up at him. His mouth is inches away from mine.
“We can kiss, but that’s it,” I say. “Okay?”
“Okay,” he says.
“Okay,” I say again and press my lips against his.
Everything explodes. He kisses me softly at first, and then his hand is on the back of my neck and pulling me into him and my hands are on his back.
I’m pulling him against me and leaning backward on the bench and now he’s on top of me. He feels so good on top of me and we’re still kissing. His tongue is soft, and I am kissing someone who is definitely not Eli. He is someone new and different and it should freak me out, but it doesn’t because it feels so good.
Now my legs are around him and I am pulling him closer and we are still kissing and I don’t want it to stop. But it has to stop. Because I am not going to have sex with him. That would be taking this too far. But wow do I wish I were wearing less clothes.
We keep kissing and kissing, and pressing our bodies against each other. Until a million hours later when my lips are raw, and we’re just lying there.
“So that happened,” he says, and I laugh, and he laughs.
“That was . . . fun,” I say.
“It was really fun,” he says.
“We should probably go back to our bunks, though,” I say. “It must be super late.”
“Yeah.” He sits up and then pulls me up too. “You okay?”
“I’m good,” I say, and I mean it. He takes my hand and we start to move back to the main road, when I stop. “Wait,” I say. “Maybe I should walk by myself? In case anyone sees me . . .” My voice trails off.
Just saying that implies a whole issue that we are going to have to talk about. No one can see us. Because we’re not supposed to be doing this.
“Ah. Okay. That makes sense. I’ll give you a two-minute lead,” he says. He leans over and gives me a soft, quick kiss on the lips.
I run the whole way.
When I get to my bunk, my heart is racing. I am not sure if it’s because of my little sprint, or what just happened. Probably both. I quietly open the front door and make my way to the bathroom. Then I sneak into the counselors’ room. Janelle is out cold. I don’t hear Lis or Talia. I take off my bra and jeans and sweatshirt, but leave on my T-shirt and get into my bed.
I can still smell him on me. I can still feel him on me. I close my eyes, thinking of him and smiling.
Danish knocks on our counselors’ room the next morning. “Morning, winner!”
My eyes open. Did I dream that? Or did I really just hardcore make out with Gavin?
I have a flash of him lying on top of me. Art porch. I feel both sick and excited.
“Sam, you can stay in bed a little while longer if the others will watch your kids,” Danish says.
“Got ’em, Sam,” Talia says. “You should sleep, champ!”
“Thanks.” I pull my covers over my head. My heart is racing, but I don’t want to get out of bed. I let them go to flagpole and pretend to be asleep.
When the bunk is quiet, I push my covers off.
What did I do? What did I do?
I get out of bed and go to the bathroom. I sit on the tiny toilet and take a deep breath.
I cheated on Eli.
Why did I cheat on Eli?
Suddenly a million questions are buzzing through my mind. Am I a terrible person? Do I have to tell Eli? Do I want to tell Eli? Do I want to break up with Eli? Do I love Eli? How could I love Eli if I made out with Gavin? Do I want to make out with Gavin again?
My head hurts.
I flush and wash my hands, and then stare at myself in the mirror. My lips look different, like they’ve been stung. Plumper. And my chin and the area around my lips is red. Like it’s been rubbed by sandpaper. Gavin should have shaved.
I wash my face to calm it down.
Since everyone is at breakfast, I take my phone with me and stand in the spot that I know has internet.
I look at my phone for the first time in almost a day.
Eli: I’m sorry about yesterday. I know this job is important to you. It’s just really hard to never talk to you! I miss you!
Eli: Did you win? I hope you won.
Eli: In Switzerland! It rained the whole day. So bored. Miss you.
His texts make me feel worse. I’m not sure what to write back. Miss you too? Miss you so much I made out with someone else? Hi! I cheated on you! Hope you’re having fun!
But let’s just put this into perspective. It was only once. Gavin and I just kissed. It’s not good, but what’s the point in telling Eli? He’ll never find out. No one else here even knows him. I can pretend it never happened. It’s not like Gavin is going to tell anyone. He’s cheating on his girlfriend too!
Hi, I write. Sorry about yesterday too. I am not sure what else to say. Oh. I won color war! The second biggest thing that happened last night.
When I’m back in the bunk, the kids are back. There is a paper plate and a croissant on my bed.
“Aw, thank you!” I say.
“You’re welcome,” Talia says. “There’s a cup of coffee on your shelf.”
“You are the best.”
“Hardly,” she says. “But we have freakin’ tennis next and I can’t do it alone.”
“I’m all yours,” I say.
“Thank goodness.”
I spend all of tennis nervous for sailing, which is second period, but it starts to pour in the middle of tennis so we all run back to the bunk. Our rain schedule says we have Games in the Bunk, which might be the best activity ever. Except for sailing, which would have been better. Maybe? Part of me doesn’t mind hiding.
I teach the girls how to play the card game Crazy Eights. I’m half paying attention, half wondering what will happen when I see Gavin again. How do I act? Do I say something? Like, “This can’t happen again”? Unless I want it to happen again. I shuffle and deal. Do I want it to happen again?
I finally see him at lunch. He’s wearing his fluorescent-yellow rain jacket, which I’ve noticed before but now makes my heart jump.
He catches my eye as soon as he walks in.
He smiles. It feels like every drop of blood in my body rushes to my face. I smile back.
One of the kids pulls him over to his table and he winks at me before following him.
I’m careful not to look at him again. I don’t want him to think I’m obsessing. Which I totally am.
Does he feel the same way I do? Maybe I’m just some random girl he can make out with. Maybe he makes out with other girls all the time. Maybe he’s made out with other counselors this summer.
Maybe he’s a total creep. Maybe I’m a total creep. Maybe he’s going to tell all the guys here that I’m a huge slut who cheats on her boyfriend. Am I huge slut who cheats on her boyfriend? I definitely cheated on my boyfriend. Why am I such an asshole?