Neil had been listening patiently during the entire story but now rolled his eyes over the top of his whiskey glass. “Please. You’re acting like this is the end of the world. So you went on a date with a grad student, yawn. Happens all the time, and since you’re not teaching him, I don’t see the issue.”
I sputtered. “Don’t see the issue? Did you hear what I said? It’s inappropriate at best, and disastrous for my reputation and the university’s at worst.”
The two men yelled at the TV again, making me realize why I hated sports bars. A man walked by our table just then, crunching over the empty peanut shells carelessly strewn across the floor.
Yet another reason.
Neil patiently waited until the men finished berating the refs before replying.
“Disastrous because of some archaic moral policy that we both know is more concerned with the sex of your partner than the fact that he’s a grad student? You need to tell them to piss off and focus on Seb.”
I took a long swig of my gin and tonic. “And if they won’t piss off, as you so eloquently put it?”
He shrugged and rubbed his hands together, like he was brushing away stray crumbs. “Then look for another teaching position. Somewhere not still living in the Dark Ages.”
I snorted. “Sure, I’ll get right on that.”
“You joke, but for the life of me, I can’t figure out why you’re still there. Yes, you’ve got impeccable manners and are a little bit standoffish at times, but you’re the opposite of a bigot. Staying around small minds all the time, people who inherently disapprove of who you are and who you love, can’t be good for you, on some deeper level.”
“It’s not like we ever have those kinds of discussions,” I said. “It never comes up.”
He cracked open a peanut and popped it into his mouth. “Until now.”
I waved him off and sipped at my drink. Yes, I was bisexual, but that fact didn’t erase the years I’d grown up in a conservative household, raised with traditional views on a multitude of topics. Hell, I’d even been married twice. To women. There were many aspects of the small conservative campus that I appreciated.
But even though the topic didn’t come up for the remainder of our drinks, Neil’s words remained in my head. Had I become so complacent with my tenure that I hadn’t realized the conservative environment I surrounded myself with every day was chipping away at me, somewhere deep inside? Or was that just Neil, being his usual Neil self? He always had been one to stir the pot.
By the time I left, I hadn’t come any closer to answers, but one thing was for sure—I owed Seb an apology—along with a second date.
7
Seb
The imposing, elegant brick walls rose all around me when I made my way through the liberal arts building, down the stairs, and into the hallway that led to David’s office. I wasn’t sure what to expect. Which David would be inside today? The open, inviting version who made my heart clamor and my nerves tingle with anticipation? Or the withdrawn, stuffy professor who sent my mood spiraling downward and set my teeth on edge?
That initial flood of excitement that I’d experienced, when he’d stalked into the private room at the club and claimed me as his trial consort? And then taken me on that delicious date? That flood had trickled away with the passing days and David’s increasingly closed-off moods. Maybe David had been right from the very beginning. Maybe I should have left well-enough alone. Whatever his deal was, one thing was for sure—there could be no meaningful attempt at a relationship when only one person was willing to try.
Every step made my mood darken a little more. By the time I reached his open door, I clutched the borrowed book in my hand so hard, I was surprised the thing didn’t implode.
When I poked my head inside, I paused and took a deep breath. I loved David’s office, with its old-world elegance, antique-looking fireplace, and dark wooden shelves overflowing with books. Today, David’s desk was buried in papers, his glasses carelessly cast aside. The top button of his shirt was undone, and his sleeves were rolled up. That little furrow formed between his eyebrows; the one that appeared whenever he was concentrating. A mug of tea steamed near his right hand. He looked every inch the hot, rumpled professor, like he’d just had a quickie in the back room before throwing his clothes back on and settling back down to work.
I shook my head and gave the door a sharp rap.
David jumped in his chair and dropped his pen. His expression brightened when he saw me, or maybe I just wanted it to be true so badly that I saw shit that wasn’t there.
“Seb! I’m glad you stopped by. You have time for a chat? Grab a chair.” He waved at one of two chairs opposite his desk.
I waved the book. “I’m just here to return this. Thanks for the loan.”
I was pleased with the way my voice came out. Cool, without sounding like I was trying too hard to sound indifferent. Even though I totally was.
David studied me for several moments before expelling a deep sigh and gesturing again to the chair. “Please, Seb—I’d really appreciate it if you took a seat. I have a few things I need to say.”
Part of me wanted to resist, but how could I? David had said please, in a tone of voice just shy of begging. David never begged.
Don’t read too much into this, I chided myself, before settling gingerly on the edge of the ornate chair. My jeans and t-shirt didn’t fit in at all with the austere, old-world elegance of his office and I found myself nibbling on the skin next to my thumb before yanking my hand away and shoving it under my thigh.
“Thank you,” he said, once I’d settled. His gaze roved over me, which only upped my fidget quotient, but I fought the urge and waited him out. “I owe you an apology. I’m sorry for acting so hot and cold lately. This is all very new for me, and I’d trying to handle things the best I can, but clearly in this case, my best could use some work.”
Coming from David, even that much of an apology was a lot, and it took some major wrestling of my muscles not to skip around the desk and leap into his lap. Which would definitely, totally help convince him to give us a shot and not be so skittish about the university morality clauses.
Instead, I tried to relax my mouth into what I hoped was a bored expression, but I was pretty sure that was a lost cause. Not when every nerve in my body pinged away on high alert. “So what you’re saying is, I’m something that needs to be handled?”
David dropped his head into his hand and groaned. “Ugh, no, that’s not what I meant at all. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me and my upbringing. Look, I can’t make you any promises that I’m going to get this right anytime soon—but I can assure you that I’m going to try. Is that enough for now?”
I fought the smile that threatened to burst across my face for as long as possible, which was maybe all of two seconds. My control was so impressive. Not. “I suppose it will have to be,” I said. And then spoiled my apathetic response by beaming at him.
At least he returned my grin, which loosened up a knot in my chest I hadn’t even realized was lodged there.
“Anything you think we should expressly discuss?” he said, once we’d concluded the mutual smiling portion of our meeting.