When Maya wandered along and sat beside her and started talking, Hannah was genuinely confused. Maya was so popular and Hannah was so...not. And yet Maya spoke to her as if they were already friends, which itself was a wonder—the simple way Maya assumed her presence was welcomed.
Hannah couldn’t remember what they talked about, only that Maya kept daring her to swing higher and higher until soon they were racing each other into the sky, legs pumping, feet pointing into blue, and Maya beside her was just like the wind, dissipating her aloneness.
Then Maya leaped off the swing at its highest point and said, “Let’s go to your house!” like this was something they usually did, like Hannah’s apartment was a desirable place to go. How different the place had seemed once Maya was in it! Suddenly there was life standing in her kitchen. There was Maya with her long, sleek hair as black and shiny as a night ocean, her tea-tan skin and raspy voice—this fierce, wild girl with galloping bright energy, unleashed into her home like a horse through a graveyard. Maya wasn’t worried about tiptoeing past Hannah’s mother’s door. Instead she walked in, announced, “What do you have for snacks?” and then flung open the fridge and the cabinets, pulling things out like she hadn’t eaten in days. They’d decided on bagels—Hannah’s favorite even then—and Hannah remembered being so surprised by the fact that Maya didn’t know how to use the toaster and then again by how little butter she used for someone who seemed so comfortable helping herself to anything she wanted. “That’s not how you do it,” Hannah had said, almost affronted by Maya’s under-buttered bagel. “Give me that.” She slathered on a thick glaze. “Now make little slits like this.” Hannah showed her with the knife. “So the butter melts all the way through.”
Maya did as she was told, and when she took her first bite, Hannah watched her. “Good, right?”
“Oh my God,” Maya had said, and her huge smile entered Hannah, lit her own.
After Maya left that day, Hannah worried what Maya would do when she found out how unpopular Hannah was at school—how leprous she seemed to be with her red clown hair. But it turned out Maya didn’t care what other people thought. In fact, all the better if other people were against it. Maya threw other people’s opinions out the window, not with a summoning of courage, but with a rush of glee. And anyway, Maya taught her how to tame her ridiculous hair, how to move through the world with her back a little straighter, how to ride a swing into the sky and then leap.
Hannah couldn’t imagine not having Maya the way Renee no longer had Blue. The way Renee no longer had any of them.
There had been a moment right after Maya mentioned Renee was living in Connecticut that Hannah had wanted to say, “Let’s go get her!” That’s the kind of thing they would’ve done when they were younger—show up on Renee’s doorstep with “Surprise!” and drag her off with them on an adventure. That instinct still lived in her somewhere. A small, mostly buried seed of spontaneity. But even if Blue would’ve gone along (never!), Hannah wouldn’t have suggested it. She was too aware of how easily things could go wrong, how an unplanned detour could result in catastrophe. She’d already learned that lesson once. They all had. Her mind darted back to that night, the fork in the road. “Which way? Which way?”
The black highway unrolled. A fleet of headlights whizzed past at unsettling speeds. An unpleasant flurry in her chest, that small bird beating its wings against her rib cage. She should’ve known the peace she’d experienced when she first got into the car would be short-lived. Wasn’t peace always?
She opened her bag, pulled out the Xanax. She would just take a half.
Blue turned. “Hey, can I get one of those?”
“Are you anxious?” Hannah asked as she tapped out a second pill into Blue’s outstretched palm.
“Nope,” Blue said, popping it into her mouth. “I just want to knock myself out so I don’t have to deal with Maya the traitor.”
“Good plan!” Maya said, unfazed. She switched the radio station to something light and easy, as if coaxing Blue into sedation.
Hannah suspected Blue really was anxious—that her impertinence with Maya was a cover for genuine distress over the mention of Renee. But she knew Blue would never admit that.
Hannah sighed and closed her eyes, tried to let the music soothe her. Everything would be great once they got to Nana’s house. It always was. They’d gone every summer of middle school and high school, and each time they’d made the drive, that thrilling wind rushing through the open windows, Hannah would feel as if a big bright balloon were suspended in her chest, weightless and airy and flying about. When they hit the Sunrise Highway, she knew they were close, and this glow would fill her as if they were driving straight into light. And then to be at the house! Hannah loved all the noise and the laughter! There was always someone around to chat with or to go on a snack run with or simply to climb into bed with and lean her head against. She’d imagined this was what it must be like to have a real, loving family. And then she’d realized that she did have one, that nothing could stop her from claiming a family that wasn’t blood born.
She tried to summon that feeling of safety now. To remember what it was to feel at home somewhere. She felt her body relax.
She must have dozed off for a bit, because the next time she looked at the clock, almost an hour and a half had passed.
“Why does that sign say we’re headed toward Pittsburg?” she asked.
“What sign?”
Hannah leaned forward, pointed up.
“Uh-oh,” Maya said.
Blue snorted awake in the passenger seat. “What’s going on?”
The half Xanax was no match for Hannah’s nerves, which were suddenly vibrating like the inside of a rung bell. She sat back and wrapped her arms around herself. It was too familiar, a reminder of another night. You guys, I think we’re lost...
“Think I maybe took a wrong turn somewhere?” Maya said. “But not to worry! We’ll just turn around at the next exit!” She pulled up the navigation system on her phone. Glanced at it. “In about fifteen miles...”
“Oh, Jesus,” Blue said.
“Sorry,” Maya said. “I’m freaking exhausted. I worked the night shift yesterday. You wanna take over?”
“Sure,” Blue said.
“You can’t drive,” Hannah said. “You took a Xanax!”
“I’m fine,” Blue said.
“No way,” Hannah said.
“All right. Crap,” Maya said. “Is there a place we can stop for the night?”
Blue sighed, pulled out her phone and asked Siri to locate the nearest motel.