Renee kept smiling but her eyes betrayed her, had that look she always got when any sort of conflict was present, flitting around for somewhere to flee. She stepped back. Held Hannah’s hands in hers. “You look wonderful,” she said. “I should go.”
Hannah opened her mouth to say no. She didn’t want Renee to go. But then—Blue would be so hurt. She couldn’t betray her like that. Instead she tilted her head, met Renee’s eyes to convey her wish that it could be otherwise.
“It’s fine,” Renee said. “I actually have a million other things I should be doing anyway. A wedding to plan, if Maya didn’t tell you.” She lit up suddenly as if talking herself back into joy. “I’m marrying the most amazing guy.”
“Yes! I’d heard. That’s so great—I’m really happy for you.” She smiled as warmly as she could, trying to mirror Renee’s sudden mood shift, sustain connection with her darting eyes. Even when they were kids, it could feel like trying to lasso a spooked horse once Renee’s fear kicked in. She was the friend they had to navigate a little more carefully. No direct confrontation. Constructive criticisms carefully Bubble Wrapped inside layers of compliments. It was never discussed. They all intuitively understood that Renee had a certain fragility that couldn’t bear the frankness they used with one another.
Hannah had never minded the extra work. When they were thirteen, she’d slept over at Renee’s house a few times. After Renee’s dad had left, her mother had taken a night job at a restaurant and often stayed after her shift to drink with her coworkers. Sometimes she brought a strange man home who made Hannah uneasy when she passed him in the hallway. Eventually Renee’s mom married the creep. Renee said that none of it bothered her, and yet every night she carefully lined up her stuffed animals like guards around her bed, a teddy bear fortress. “I can’t sleep otherwise,” she’d explained, embarrassed. Even at thirteen, Hannah recognized the need for a sense of safety, no matter how false. She couldn’t have articulated it, but she felt it.
As Renee got older, the bears were retired and instead her fortress became that plastered smile, those fleeing eyes, her well-cultivated beauty. Very few people were ever allowed to penetrate the facade, and, even then, admittance seemed precarious, easily retracted. Only Blue had been trusted enough to be allowed complete access to Renee’s heart.
Now Renee handed Hannah the wine and flowers. “Tell Maya—”
“Tell Maya what?” Maya said, reappearing in the driveway.
“That I’m leaving.” Renee said.
“What? No, you can’t!”
Renee shook her head. “You told me Blue was okay with this.”
“She is!” Maya said. “She’s completely fine with it.”
Hannah shot her an incredulous look. Maya discreetly nudged her.
Renee glanced toward the side porch where Blue had disappeared, crossed her arms and gave Maya a pointed stare.
“Or she will be. Look, I’m not saying she’s doing cartwheels about it—”
“Right,” Renee said. “So I gotta go. It was great seeing you guys, but...” She held out her arms for a goodbye hug.
Maya grabbed Renee’s wrists, lowered them. “Just give her a minute, would you? I sort of sprung this on her.”
“And on me,” Renee said, a momentary flash of emotion leaking out from behind her composure. She shook her hands free. “You lied to me. I never would have come.”
“I did. But only because—well, because you wouldn’t have come.”
“For good reason.”
“No, it isn’t! Come on, Renee. You drove all this way. And you know you guys need to fix this shit.”
“What do you expect me to do?” Renee eyed her car. “You saw her.” She looked at Hannah for backup.
Hannah nodded vigorously. Blue definitely did not look thrilled.
“Look,” Renee said, “maybe we can hang out some other time. Just the three of us.” Her eyes perked at the thought. “We could do lunch in SoHo. That’d be fun.”
“We’re not doing lunch in SoHo,” Maya said, and Renee’s face fell. “I don’t think you quite understand how hard it is to get this one—” she nodded toward Hannah “—to go anywhere.”
Hannah was momentarily offended and then conceded this was true with a little side shrug.
“Listen,” Maya continued. “Don’t leave. It’s too important.”
“Not to Blue,” Renee said.
“You don’t know that. And if you go now, you never will.”
Renee sighed, looked longingly toward the road.
The air was suddenly thin and difficult, gassed with sadness.
“This might be your last chance, ya know,” Maya said. “The house is for sale. All three of us are almost never in the same place. Right now you have me and Hannah as a buffer—and I seriously doubt you and Blue will ever work it out on your own. So it’s kind of now or never. And if you decide you can’t come inside for ten minutes, then fine. That’s your decision. But just be perfectly clear with yourself that you’re giving up without even trying. On you. And on us. And on Blue. But whatever. I’m not going to pressure you.”
“Ha!” Hannah said.
She and Renee locked eyes.
“Just ten minutes,” Maya said.
“But no pressure,” Hannah said, getting a half smile out of Renee.
“An hour, tops. What’s the worst that could happen?”
Renee bit her cuticle, looked to Hannah for feedback.
Hannah felt Maya’s elbow in her ribs. She elbowed her back harder. Smiled at Renee. “I want you to stay too,” she said carefully. “It’d be really nice to catch up. I haven’t seen you in forever. But I also don’t want you to be uncomfortable. And I don’t want Blue to be uncomfortable either.”
Maya groaned. “What’s so wrong with being uncomfortable? Sometimes it’s necessary. You think pouring alcohol on a cut isn’t uncomfortable? But that’s how you kill the infection. That’s what starts the healing.”
“Actually,” Hannah said, “doctors advise that plain soap and water is best.”
Maya gave her a hard stare.
“Just saying,” Hannah said. She turned to Renee. “Maybe she has a point. It could be a good thing.” Based on Blue’s behavior, she wasn’t sure that was true, but technically it couldn’t be ruled out. “I mean, if I were you, I think I’d do it. And I’m afraid of everything.”