Without waiting for her permission, I hurried toward the bathrooms. Instead of going inside, I went to the ATM just around the corner and jammed my bank card in. For a half a second, I panicked when it asked for my PIN and then it came to me.
“Keep doing your thing, Hazarin,” I muttered, then let out a little cry of joy. My card worked and my bank balance showed more than I thought. Nearly four thousand dollars.
Plenty.
I don’t know what I had “plenty” of money for, only that hell would ice over before Delia gave me access to the money our parents left me. At least not yet. And I couldn’t wait for that day to come.
I couldn’t wait one more day for anything.
I slipped my card in my wallet, the wallet in my bag, and headed back to Rita and Delia.
“Ready?” I asked. “Time to shop.”
We went into Urban Outfitters where I tried on a low-cut sundress in white with little laces at the bodice.
“Pretty sexy,” Delia said. “Where do you plan on wearing that?”
“I don’t know. Maybe a date.”
“With whom? You don’t know anyone.”
Jimmy Whelan popped immediately into my thoughts, making my skin shiver pleasantly. “Yes, I do,” I said, almost to myself.
Rita’s face turned pink as she riffled through a rack of denim jackets. Delia’s eyes widened.
“Who?” she asked. “God, don’t tell me you mean that orderly?”
“That orderly?” I said. “Elitist, much? Yes, I mean Jimmy. We’re friends but… who knows what could happen? And who cares about his job? He could be a janitor at a nudie club for all I care.”
“Jesus, Thea.”
“It wouldn’t change who he is.”
“And who is he to you?”
I shrugged, swaying the dress’s skirt side to side in the mirror. “I don’t know. A friend, for sure. My best friend, all things considered.” The girl in the mirror smiled and her cheeks turned pink. “Maybe more.”
“More?” Delia stared. “How can he be more? You don’t know him.”
“That’s not true,” I said. “I didn’t meet him for the first time the other day. He’s been taking care of me for weeks.”
“How do you know?”
“I remember, Deel. I remember him.”
She sniffed and perused a rack of blouses, but I’d been turning thoughts and feelings about Jimmy around and around and needed to let them out. To hear how they sounded outside of my own head and heart.
“There’s something about Jimmy that I really connect with. He’s the only one who understood I was still in there. No judgment,” I added for Rita’s sake. “I just… I don’t know, I feel comfortable with him. Like I’ve known him forever. Not gonna lie, it doesn’t hurt that he’s drop-dead gorgeous.”
Rita coughed, and a pleasant, zingy panic shot through me. I whirled on her.
“Oh my God, you cannot go reporting to Jimmy anything that is spoken here,” I said, laughing. “Girl code, Rita. Girl code.”
“I am sworn to secrecy,” she said, laughing.
“What do you have against him, anyway?” I asked my sister. “He saved me. In case you’ve decided to forget, he’s the one who stopped that man…” I gave myself a shake as gooseflesh broke out over my skin, this time cold and unwanted.
Rita put her hand on my arm. “Are you ready to talk about that night?”
“Nope,” I said, shaking my head. “Not going to let that asshole ruin my day.” I heaved a sigh. “As I was saying, Jimmy’s a good man. One of the best.”
Delia snorted. “I don’t trust him. I don’t trust any man who would take so much interest in a girl who had no way of speaking for herself or making decisions.”
“I remember him, Deel,” I said again. “I had a way of speaking for myself, through my drawings, and he saw it.” I gave her a pointed look. “And now I can actually speak for myself and make decisions. You’re going to have to get used to that.”
My sister looked ready to argue when her phone rang again. She put it to her ear and turned away from us. “Hi,” she said, her voice soft. Over her shoulder, she caught us watching her and made a face, then walked to the other end of the store.
“What do you think, Rita?” I asked, twirling in the mirror. “Am I crazy to feel anything about Jimmy? Not that I do. I mean… I don’t know how I feel. Not exactly. Except that when I look at myself in this dress, there’s a part of me that wants to buy it and wear it for him. Be pretty for him. And another part that wants to put it on just so he can tear it off me.”
Holy shit, where did that come from?
Rita’s eyes met mine in the mirror, identical expressions of shock on our faces. My skin flushed red against the white dress.
“I said that out loud, didn’t I?”
“Yes, you did.”
“Girl code, Rita. Girl. Code. But you know what? I’m not even embarrassed.”
Turned on? Yes. Embarrassed? Not so much.
“I’m alive. I’m here. And I want to live. That means everything, you know? All the experiences I’ve missed out on.” I lowered my voice confidentially. “I’m talking about sex, here, Rita.”
“Yeah, I got that.”
“A girl has needs.”
Rita glanced over her shoulder for Delia. Seeing the coast was clear, she leaned over my shoulder, our faces close in the mirror.
“Between you and me, I think Jim would lose his mind to see you in this dress.”
“And that’s your professional opinion. So it’s extra legit.”
“Extra legit,” she said. She gave me a squeeze. “Come on. Let’s buy this dress.”
I bought the dress.
After, I bought a few little things to liven up my wardrobe—sandals, sunglasses, perfume, and a little peridot gem on a delicate gold chain from a jewelry store.
“For Mom and Dad,” I told Delia. “Their birthstone.”
“They were born in the same month?” Rita asked.
I nodded. “Same day, actually. August twentieth.”
“They were born on the same day and died on the same day,” Delia said.
“There’s a poetry in that, don’t you think?” I asked, my throat thick. “They were meant to be together, from the very start.”
Delia said nothing but bought a little necklace for me without complaint.
After, we hit a Michael’s craft store and Delia spent a good wad of cash on three large canvases. Also, without argument. She felt guilty, but I wanted to tell her not to be. The past was done, and the future wasn’t created yet. All we had is now.
And I was going to live in it.
Just not in the Blue Ridge Sanitarium.
But the thought of not seeing Jimmy every day hurt my heart more than I expected.
He went into my world in order to bring me out. Maybe it’s time for me to return the favor.
Chapter 22
Jim
I was outside with Mr. Perello when Thea came back from a shopping excursion with Rita and Delia, looking as if she’d been on a beach vacation. I nearly dropped the lighter as I went to light Mr. P’s smoke.