I’d only been on Columbia’s campus once since Penn and I got back together. He’d asked me to meet him for dinner one night when he stayed late. Usually, I spent the days working on my new book. I wasn’t going anywhere with it yet, but I was glad that I was writing after what had happened with the last manuscript.
The philosophy department was located almost directly off of the main quad near the library and a pretty impressive-looking church. My heels clicked across the brick-lined sidewalk as I approached the imposing building. I stepped inside and was still surprised that it looked like any other university I’d ever been on. Columbia had such a feel of reverence about it that it was hard to think it could look like home. I took the hallway to the elevator that opened up to the third floor. His office was a corner space with a plaque on the door that read Dr. Kensington.
I knocked once and heard a relieved sigh on the other side.
“Come in.”
With a deep breath, I turned the knob and entered Penn’s office. My eyes drifted around the cozy room covered against one wall with floor-to-ceiling books and books and more books. Penn’s desk sat at the center with an array of monitors. His steely-blue eyes met mine across the short space, and tension crackled between us. Even though I was mad at him, I couldn’t look away from that desk. From what we could do with that desk after-hours.
I stopped that train of thought and nudged the door shut behind me. That was not why I was here.
“You didn’t answer any of my texts.”
“I stopped checking them,” I said, tossing my bag down onto a chair in front of his desk.
“You shouldn’t shut me out.”
“I was busy.”
“Then let’s get it out. You’re mad because I saw the crew.”
“Yes, I’m mad,” I said carefully, bracing my hands on his desk and leaning forward. “I told you not to talk to Lewis about this. I told you that I would handle it.”
“You told me not to do anything stupid.”
“This was stupid!” I snapped back.
“It wasn’t. Lark came to see me. She called a meeting for the crew and asked me to show up, for old times’ sake. So, I did. It’s not my fault Lewis and I got into it when we were together.”
I narrowed my eyes. “You purposely went so that you could have it out with him.”
“Yes,” he agreed easily, “I did. I knew you didn’t want me to say anything to him, Natalie, but he is stalking you. I wanted him to stop. He clearly is not listening.”
“No, he’s not listening. He was at Elizabeth’s runway show and cornered me.” I instinctively rubbed my arm as the memory of his grip arrested me. “He told me he saw you.”
Penn’s eyes focused on where I touched my arm. “Why are you holding your arm?” He slid out of his chair, all cold, lethal calm. “Did he hurt you?”
“He grabbed me. It hurt. I’ll live.”
“What’s next? Is he going to hit you? And you’re here, mad at me for saying something when he’s doing this shit? Honestly, he got the least of what he deserved. I should have flattened him,” Penn growled.
“I told you to let me handle it, and you didn’t.”
“Because you shouldn’t have to! I can deal with Lewis.”
“Why didn’t you tell me that you were going then?” I demanded.
He sank back into his seat. “I should have told you. It was stupid.”
“Then why didn’t you?”
“You hate them. With good reason. But in some fucked up way, they’re still my friends.”
My nostrils flared. “They are not your friends! Friends don’t act like this. They don’t treat each other like this.”
“They’re the people I’ve always relied on. The ones I’ve always gone to. I’ve known them my entire life. We were inseparable for so long. And even when I wanted to get out of this world, I didn’t want to escape them because they were all I’d ever known. It makes no sense that I should feel anything at all after their shit, but I do.”
“Just because they are the only people you’ve ever known doesn’t make them friends.”
“Katherine picked me up from the airport the day my dad died,” Penn said softly. “Lewis sat with me. He didn’t say anything or try to make me feel better. But he was there all day. Lark called in Chinese that night and gave me all her egg rolls. Rowe came in late. He’d been away on business when the news broke. When he made it back to the city, he hugged me.” I met his gaze as he poured it out. “Rowe, who hates to be touched, had initiated the hug. So, they might not look like friends. It might look like all we’ve ever had together is secrets and betrayal and bullshit, but there’s more there. It’s more like family.”
I closed my eyes and stepped away. “That all makes sense. They might be your friends or even family in some sick, twisted way. But they’re also monsters.” I faced him again. “And they make you monstrous.”
“I am not going to be that person again. Is this about the fucking bet?” he groaned. “Is it always going to be about the bet?”
“It’s not the bet. It’s that all of our problems start and end with the crew!”
“Yes, yes they do,” he growled. “Like you fucking my best friend.”
“Jesus Christ, we weren’t even together. And it’s not like you didn’t bang half of the Upper East Side.”
“Because you left me!” he said, throwing his arms out.
“Yes, I did. And it was the right thing to do after the bullshit you pulled on me, Penn. We could go around and around in circles about all of this if you wanted. But the fact is that the crew fucks everything up between us. And…and I don’t want that.” I huffed out a breath as the words…the truth escaped me. I wanted this. I wanted Penn.
Penn stepped around his desk and let down his defenses. “I don’t want that either. I guess I’m still mad that you were with Lewis. Just like you’re still mad about the bet. We’re not over it. And I shouldn’t be surprised. It was fucked up on all accounts.”
“It terrifies me to think that you went to see them. I don’t know what that could mean. Or why you’d hide it from me.”
Penn threaded our fingers together. “I shouldn’t have hidden it. And nothing happened. Except a whole lot of posturing between me and Lewis, Katherine sore from kinky sex with Camden, and Rowe getting a boyfriend, who you’ll meet tomorrow.”
I blinked. “I did not need that image of Katherine and Camden.”
“Tell me about it. That was all of us.”
“And Rowe has a boyfriend?”
“Yeah, he told us that he’s bisexual. Though we’d always guessed. We had just been waiting for him to come to us. Which I honestly never thought would happen, considering it’s Rowe.”
“For sure.” I shook my head to clear all my loose thoughts. “I hate that I jumped to conclusions about all of this. I don’t want this to keep happening.”
“We both have issues with trust, Natalie. It’s not going to go away overnight. We have to try to keep the past where it belongs.”