“Y-you don’t need to do that.”
She steps closer until our toes touch, then slips her arms around my waist. My entire body shudders as air rushes out of my mouth. And then, she just hugs me, and my arms move of their own accord because this is Grace. When it comes to this girl, I can’t resist her, no matter how hard I try. But this time, I’ve mastered control. I won’t let my mind wander like before.
The world falls away, and for these few seconds or minutes or hours, it’s just us. Then Debra’s words flash through my memory, making me lose my breath for an entirely different reason. I’m about to take a step back when Grace snatches the cap off my head and plops it on her own, stands on her tiptoes and presses a quick kiss to my lips. She spins around and skips away, leaving me frozen on the spot, my stupid rebellious body a riot of nerves and hormones.
“You coming or what?” she asks over her shoulder, and I find myself grinning wide, despite the chaos her kiss left inside my head.
My Grace is back, and I couldn’t be happier.
Dear God, help me. Please give me the strength to resist her.
I sigh, trailing after her while plowing my fingers into my hair and muttering a prayer under my breath.
After our trip to the arcade, Grace and I hung out at her place for an hour. We were just chatting when she suddenly opened up to me, telling me she was worried her children would end up being like the man who fathered her.
Pain stabbed in my chest just thinking about her future without me, and my own panic threatened to swallow me alive. I pushed that image out of my mind and told her I couldn’t imagine her children being anything other than honest and loving and kind, just like her and Debra. And as we continued chatting, I saw a fierce determination settle in her features, and I knew any child of hers would be lucky to call her their mother. She’d do anything for the people she loves.
On Sunday after evening Mass, I put away the alb, then head to Luke’s office. His back is to me when I enter. He seems distracted as he stares at something out the window.
I sit down in my usual chair across the desk and stretch my legs in front of me. “You okay?”
He looks over his shoulder at me, and an uneasiness creeps into my chest at the concern darkening his features. Walking away from the window, he settles in his chair and watches me carefully for several seconds. Instead of answering my question, he asks, “You ready?”
I frown. “Ready? Ready for what?”
He drags his fingers through his brown hair, and I notice he has more silver now than he did a few months ago. “You haven’t withdrawn your application to attend the seminary, so I assume you’ve made up your mind?”
I swallow hard and nod. “Yes.” Going away to the seminary, putting some distance between Grace and me, is what I need to completely clear my head.
His eyebrows rise slightly. He covers his mouth with one hand, looking thoughtful. “So, Grace?”
Not this again. “What about her?”
Both of Luke’s brows shoot up, and something in his eyes shifts. Disbelief, maybe? I’m about to call him out on it when he says, “You two at the confessional a few weeks ago . . .?”
I snap my mouth shut as heat burns my cheeks and ears. Shit. How does he know I was in there with Grace? I got out before he entered the booth. And why did he wait so long to ask me? Maybe he was waiting for me to tell him?
My brain scrambles for an excuse, any excuse, but it’s pointless. My fingers dig through my hair, the need to hide from his knowing eyes overwhelming. Why did I leave my cap in the truck?
“Um, about that, I’m really sorry—”
He lifts his hand and stops me, his expression stern. I’ve never seen him like this before. It’s terrifying. “I’ll ask you again, son. Think carefully. Are you sure this is what you want?”
My eyes fall shut as the full weight of the decision I’ve been avoiding settles heavily on my shoulders. What I feel for Grace and my desire to serve God in the only way I know and ever wanted clash together. I know who I am when I’m with Grace, but without God, without finding out if He’s truly calling me to serve him, I don’t know who I am.
“I’ve thought about it, reflected and prayed, Luke. I’m ready,” I declare confidently, hoping he doesn’t hear the lies weaved in those words.
“All right,” he says, and I can’t tell what he’s thinking. “I’ll have the final papers for tuition signed and ready. Orientation is scheduled for next week, yeah?”
I nod. “I’ll spend the weekend there. I plan to visit Mom and Dad and also check on the house, just to make sure everything’s running well.”
I was never able to bring myself to sell it or even rent it out. It’s the place where I grew up for the first ten years of my life, and there are so many memories in that house. Sometimes, when I miss my parents, I like to drive to Boston and visit with them at the cemetery, then spend a few days in the house and watch videos of the three of us. Other than the church, that place is my haven.
After leaving Luke’s office a few minutes later, I head to my truck in the parking lot, trying to breathe through the panic tightening its hold around my throat. I’m meeting Ivan and MJ at the apartment, just to hang out and have fun. I whisper a prayer under my breath, asking God to ease the ache in my heart. That my heart won’t pine for her like it did before, like she’s the missing link that completes me.
Sunday after Mass, I head home and slip on my favorite faded running shorts and T-shirt, then join Ivan at the Xbox. We’ve been playing for a half an hour when a knock on the door has me pausing the game. Ivan groans, running his fingers through his hair. “I was this close to beating you, man.”
“Er. Dream on, dude. Are we expecting someone?” I ask, cutting a glance to MJ. She grins and winks at me, while shoving her current project inside a plastic bag. She’s taken up crocheting as a new hobby, courtesy of her grandmother.
“Yeah. Grace. I thought she could use a little cheering up after, you know . . .” she explains, scrambling off the couch and skipping to the door. “Put away the toys, boys.”
After MJ returned from visiting her parents, she and Grace talked about what happened while she was away.
I drop my controller on the table and stand just as I hear the front door open. I’m really glad they’ve gotten close. Grace needs people like MJ. People who’ll readily offer her genuine friendship. At least she’ll have someone else she can talk to when I’m gone.
Within seconds, MJ and Grace are walking into the room, arms around each other, Grace with a plastic bag in her free hand.
I’m about to move toward her, but end up freezing on the spot as I take her in. My dick went from sleeping to “Hey there, gorgeous. Wanna play?”
She changed from the beige dress and heels she was wearing during Mass. Now she’s wearing white shorts, a hot pink T-shirt, and low-heeled white shoes. A large, striped bow tie decorates the front. Her dark curls fall beautifully down her shoulders, and dear Lord, her lips are painted in a red lipstick that outlines her full lips perfectly. Every single thought I’ve ever had about her—the thoughts I’d safely locked away inside that little box in my head marked ‘Gracie’—comes slamming back with a vengeance. Every single kiss we’ve ever shared flashes inside my head. I can’t stop staring at her lips, or the way those shorts hug her—God help me.