“You’re full of shit. It’s fine, Blaise, it is. I’ve gotten over it. I’ve learned my lesson.”
I let go of her hands and put my palm against her cheek. “I fucked up because I panicked. I did the only thing I thought I could do. I had to pretend that nothing was going on, I had to act like a dick to you, because if I didn’t, then they’d know.”
I can tell she wants to move her face away from my hand, but so far she’s letting me touch her. Her skin is so soft, so warm, I’m losing all sense of self.
But let’s be honest. I’m not sure who I am most days to begin with.
“Who would know?” she asks.
“Pascal. My father. They’d know.” I pause. “The night that we . . . the night that we were on the bed, when we got up, I saw Pascal standing at the door, looking at us.”
Her eyes go wide and shining. “What? He saw us! And you didn’t say anything?”
My cheeks burn hot with shame. I was an idiot back then for keeping it to myself. “I thought it would make things worse. And I couldn’t be sure if he saw us or not.”
“But you just said—”
“I know what I said. I saw him, okay? He might have seen everything, might have heard everything. Or maybe he didn’t. I wasn’t going to risk it by having an affair with you, my cousin, from the side of the family my father hates. And yeah, we were young and we could chalk it up to being stupid, but if my father had ever found out . . .” I brush her hair behind her ears, and she seems to stiffen at the gesture.
“I don’t understand,” she says, eyes closing. “You could have told me. You could have talked to me.”
“I know what I should have done. But I did what I thought was best.”
She opens her eyes, and there’s a world of hurt swimming in them. Disappointment. Regret. I’ve wrestled with those feelings for the last nine years. Just knowing what could have been if I hadn’t acted the way I did.
“You could have reached out to me.” She reaches for my hand and gently places her palm on top. Then she wraps her fingers around my hand and removes it from her face. I bring my hand to my side, feeling the distance grow. “There was so much time.”
“And said what? You didn’t want to see me again.”
“Because you acted like a monster to me.”
“Do you really think if I contacted you and tried to explain, you would have listened to any of it? You’re not exactly a calm, levelheaded person, Seraphine. You’re a fucking firecracker. You would have hung up, you wouldn’t have given me the time of day.”
“You should have tried.”
“Maybe I should have, but I didn’t. Maybe I was afraid that you’d just reject me anyway.”
“You were afraid of me rejecting you?”
“You were just seventeen. I was the one pushing you.”
“You weren’t pushing me,” she says quietly.
“I was. Because I knew that’s the only way I could have you. Wear you down. If I stepped back, you would have stepped back too. I know you. You have too much pride to be the one who puts herself on the line. You want to feel wanted. You need it. You wanted me to chase you until you surrendered.”
Her eyes roam around her bedroom as if I’m boring her, but I know she knows I’m right. I’ve got her pegged.
“Well, you stopped chasing,” she eventually says, her voice so low and light it’s barely more than a whisper.
I lean in close, my face inches from hers. “Did you want me to keep chasing you? All this time?”
She presses her lips together and doesn’t say anything.
“Did you want me to still think about you at night, to wish I could touch you, to get off to thoughts of your lips on my body?”
I’m pushing now and pushing hard, needing a reaction, needing this conversation to go somewhere, anywhere, even if I don’t like it.
“I forgot how crude you can be,” she says, her tone sharp, her eyes even more so.
I grin at her. “I don’t think you forgot at all. I think it’s what your mind fixated on all this time. What I had promised to do to you. I think whenever you were having sex with Cyril, it was the only thing that got you wet.”
“You’re a pig,” she says with a sneer.
“You bring it out of me.”
“And I should be flattered, is that it?”
“Yeah. You should be. You’re the only one for me, Seraphine. There has never been anyone else.”
She frowns, scoffing. “That’s a lie.”
I’m staring at her lips now, wondering how long I can hold off, wondering how badly I’ll fuck things up if I kiss her. “It’s not a lie. After you I kept my distance and I bided my time.”
She’s beautiful when she’s confused. “What are you saying? That you . . . no, that’s impossible. You were with plenty of women.”
I give a slight shake of my head. I’m not ashamed of any of this. “I wasn’t. I dated some, discreetly, but . . . I wasn’t physical with them.”
Her eyes nearly fall out of her head. “Oh my God. Blaise, why? I mean . . . have you seen you?”
I’m unable to suppress the smile. I know I’m good looking, and it’s not a matter of modesty. It’s just fact when the media reports on this worthless shit your whole life. But to hear her say it . . .
“I never felt anything for them,” I admit. “No one measured up in that way. No one else was you.”
“Blaise,” she says softly, looking demure. “We didn’t even sleep together.”
“I know. But it doesn’t matter. What I felt for you, what you did to me, body and soul, I was never able to find in anyone else. Not even close.” She swallows, licks her lips, her eyes wavering with something I should expose. “You raised the bar. All the women I had before you were erased, and after you . . . there was just no point.”
“So you just . . . were celibate? All this time?”
I nod. “It was easier that way. Fewer complications. Sure, people thought I was gay, but let them think that. It’s nothing to be ashamed of anyway.”
“And so . . . I mean, I dated. I got married. You knew I did. I invited you to the wedding. You should have known that . . . that . . .”
“That I wouldn’t have a chance again?” I fill in. “No. I didn’t believe it. I decided to be patient. I decided to wait for you.”
“Wait for me? But that’s ridiculous. You’ve given me no sign. Instead, you’ve acted like you hate me, especially at work.”
“Patience is a virtue, as they say. Even though virtues aren’t always my strong suit.”
She looks down at her hands in her lap. “I don’t know what to say.”
“You can just believe me. You can take my word for it. And if my word won’t do . . .”
Impulsively, I lean in to kiss her, something I knew I was going to do tonight, no matter what happened.
But she’s fast.
Her hands are up against my chest, pushing me back, my lips so close to hers.
“This isn’t a good idea,” she says, her voice loud and firm, even if it trembles a little.