“That's nice,” she finally responded. “And he was ... I like him, too. A lot. But we ... we were weird, okay? Our relationship wasn't normal.”
“Fuck normal,” Bailey snorted.
That got a laugh out of Val.
“I totally agree,” she chuckled. “But this was different. It was more of an arrangement than a relationship, that's how he said he wanted it, until the end, when we decided to be something more. But even then, it's still not enough for him. He has this whole idea of what he thinks he wants in life, and he doesn't really. I don't think he even likes his life now all that much. And even if he really did, I don't. You can't be with someone like that, you know? Trying to change yourself, or trying to change him the whole time. That's awful.”
Bailey shrugged again.
“Or maybe both of you could change just a little and meet in the middle.”
Valentine grabbed a crumpled up napkin off the table and threw it at the other girl.
“Stop being wise beyond your years,” she laughed. “Just trust me, okay? Even when it was happening, when I was telling him I couldn't be with him, I ... I kinda hoped he'd say something to stop me. To prove to me that this, that I'm, what he wants, beyond a shadow of a doubt. And he didn't. He didn't even quite get what I was trying to explain to him. He gets a thought in his head, and he's so smart, so he thinks he's right, and then he won't listen to anyone else. Even when they're practically screaming the right answer at him, he can't hear it. It's ... exhausting.”
“Maybe he just needs time,” Bailey suggested. “I'm not trying to be awful, but you know, you guys just started working things out. You went from not speaking to him at all, to staying at his house every night, all in the space of a couple days. Some people can't up-shift that fast, you know?”
“If you like him so much, you date him,” Valentine suggested snidely. “I made my decision. He's stuck in first, and I've been in that gear for too long. I'm hitting the throttle and going full speed to fifth. I'll miss him, and I'll miss us, but that's life. We're done, for good.”
“You know how ridiculous you sound, right?” the other girl snorted and chortled. “I wonder how many rom-coms have that exact same line in it – then cut to two hours later, when the couple that swore they'd 'never', be wind up saying 'I do'.”
Valentine rolled her eyes and laughed as well, but she grabbed her coffee mug and stood up.
“Not this movie,” she sighed. “The credits have rolled, and this heroine is beyond tired. I just want ... a normal life, now. I want to get a small apartment somewhere, and go to a normal job, and do my school work, and just be me.”
She started walking out of the kitchen, but Bailey's laugh stopped her before she could head up the stairs.
“I'm sorry, but 'normal' and 'Saint Valentine' don't co-exist. Normal is boring.”
Valentine paused, one foot on the bottom step.
“I wasn't always Saint Valentine,” she said softly, but Bailey still managed to hear her.
“Maybe not, but it's a part of you now, and not such a bad one. You should stop thinking so badly of yourself, Val. You're an awesome person, no matter what kind of clothes you've got on.”
She blinked her eyes rapidly, then hurried up the stairs, not bothering to respond. She just went straight into her room and sat on her bed.
Did she want 'Saint Valentine' to be a part of her? Could she even get rid of that side of herself if she wanted to? She wasn't sure.
But she was positive that she didn't want to be anyone's savior, and most certainly not Ari's. She'd tried, and it hadn't worked out, like so many other things in her life. Now she had to move on. She wished him well. She wished him so many good things.
Wish he would've told me, just once, that he loved me. Would've told me, just once, that I meant as much to him as his job. Just once, that among all those lofty dreams of his, I had a place. Just once.
13
Valentine went back to Caché that Thursday, a couple days later. She'd called Del so he'd know she was coming in, but she was still shocked when there was a small welcome back party waiting for her. Everyone was very sweet, giving their condolences, giving her hugs, welcoming her back. Gary gave her an expensive bottle of vodka, and Del gave her a two-night-stay voucher for The Peninsula Chicago, one of the nicest hotels in the entire city. She had no doubt that the vouchers were a regift, something he'd gotten from someone else, but she didn't care.
Charice gave her a vibrator.
I swear, it's like she's psychic.
“I need to talk to you,” Valentine said when the small crowd of coworkers started to disperse and head downstairs. Del nodded and led her towards his office, eating a piece of cake with his bare hands while he went. When they sat down, he licked the frosting off his fingers, then glanced at her.
“You're quiting.”
She was stunned into silence for a moment.
“I ... yes. How did you know?”
“Because I know you, kiddo,” he sighed. “I knew this day was coming from the moment I hired you, and when you told me your grandmother had passed, I could count the hours. You were perfect for this job, Vally, but you weren't meant for it. I'mma miss you.”
She sniffled, then laughed at him.
“Miss all the money I make for you,” she teased. “Miss staring at my ass all the time. Miss me giving you a hard time.”
“Miss all of that, and more. Tonight your last night?” he asked, leaning back to glance at a schedule next to his desk.
“No, I figured I'd end on a good note, give two weeks. Give you time to hire someone new, have me train someone, and I can also let my regular clients know, try to pawn them off on the other girls.”
“You're a good kid, Valentine. Nutty as a squirrel, but a good kid,” he told her. “And you're welcome here any time, you got that? I don't care if it's noon on a Tuesday, you feel like saying hi, you come say hi. All access membership for life.”
“Thanks for that.”
“And anyone ever gives you any kind of shit, you call me. Serge would kill me if I ever let anything happen to you.”
“For a mean old man, you're pretty sweet sometimes, Del,” she laughed at him. He glared and started shooing her away from his desk.
“Don't say it so loud! You'll give me a bed rep! Get the fuck out of here before you ruin everything,” he hissed, but he winked at her before she walked through the door.
Everything felt different. She was wearing her neon two piece outfit, and her makeup was on point, but it wasn't the same. Knowing this wasn't who she was anymore, this wasn't something she had to do. She just couldn't bring forth the energy. She danced and she smiled, but flirting just wasn't happening. It felt pointless. She'd neglected her regular clients for so long, they weren't particularly interested anymore, and she certainly didn't need any new ones.
There was no drive.
No fun.
Being in the Club Room was almost depressing, so she decided on seeing if Angel wanted to switch places – the younger woman worked the door most nights, checking membership passes and IDs, easy work. While Valentine was going up the stairs, though, she ran into a familiar face.