But I wasn’t alone. And I was speaking to one person.
My stomach didn’t clench. I didn’t want to run. I wasn’t even reading from a piece of paper. This was from the heart.
“Embarrassment comes in many forms. A few weeks ago, standing right here, I knew I’d be setting myself up to be mortified a second time for the things that had been bad enough the first time around.
“I came here, scared, with no other goal than to prove I could do this. I nearly left before I spoke the first words, but Alfie stopped me and said the only thing that could have made me stay. He gave me permission to quit but also reminded me I could fake it, and so I stepped up here that first night, knees shaking. And I made it.
“The next week, I wasn’t even going to come back, but Alfie called me. And again, he told me something I needed to hear, that quitting was the same as losing, and he was right. I came back and I didn’t lose.
“So, thank you, Alfie. Week after week, you’ve breathed confidence into me when I thought I had none. You told me who I am, and I believed you because you believed in me.
“And while I’ve heard everything you said to me that helped me, I haven’t been hearing you. I told you I see you. And I do. But I wasn’t listening. And I’m sorry.
“You didn’t just tell me who you are; you showed me. You are patient and kind. You don’t envy or boast, nor are you proud or self-seeking. You’re not easily angered, and you keep no record of wrongs. You always trust, always hope, always persevere. You are love, Alfie.
“I’m sorry I let a ten-year-old wound re-open and shake the foundation we were building. We’d barely begun to find our footing. I never told you I loved you. You never told me you loved me. But all that time, I was falling in love. Seven different ways. Because, Alfie, I see you, and I may not deserve you, but you are worth everything.
“I know I’m sacrificing my spot in the contest by baring my soul instead of sharing some funny anecdote, but you know what? For the first time since I’ve stood up here, I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of a word I’m saying.
“Alfie, I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me for reacting so poorly, but know that I will regret it for the rest of my life if I broke the only relationship that will ever matter to me.
“I’m sorry.
“I love you, Alfie Jordan.
“Yes, we can talk.”
I stepped back from the microphone, bowed my head once, then turned to walk off the stage.
The audience didn’t seem to know how to respond. There was an errant clap, like someone took my exit as a signal to applaud, and that was followed by another couple of claps scattered about, but mostly, everyone watched me as I wended between the tables straight back to the bar, where I took one of his hands in mine. “Can you forgive me?”
“Forgive you?” He tilted his head. “Are you saying you forgive me?”
“All I wanted to tell you is that I’ve been an idiot for the past week, and I’m sorry. Everything else I thought I wanted was wrong. If I lost everything else but won you back, I’d be complete.”
“Win me back? Did you think you could ever lose me? I thought I’d lost you. I didn’t know what to do about it. You were so mad, and I just wanted to talk to you.”
Miranda called Tristan up.
“We do need to talk,” I said, wanting to drag Alfie anywhere else because Tristan had a history of ruining everything in a way I couldn’t predict, and the easiest way to defeat him would be to avoid him altogether.
Tristan jumped up onstage and began with his usual arrogance. “That was indeed mortifying.”
A couple of people chuckled. I shook my head and whispered in Alfie’s ear, “Can we leave?” He slipped off the stool, and we threaded our way through the crowd toward the kitchen door that would lead us to the safety of his loft.
Tristan’s voice followed us.
“You know, the first time I ever saw Sierra, I thought, now there’s a nerdy girl. It took me a while to realize she was pining for me. And oh boy, she had it bad. In college, I had a lot of girls interested in me, and the only reason Sierra stood out was that rack. For a nerd girl, she had it going on in the tits department.”
His first words pegged me in place, just like he intended.
A couple of guys laughed. I crossed my arms. How could anyone encourage that? And shouldn’t he be disqualified for inappropriate comments?
Alfie nudged me, and I clenched my fists tight, then released the tension and continued to push through people standing behind the tables.
“So, I have to confess my own mortification. Ten years have passed since I was that cool guy.”
I slowed again, wondering if he’d show an ounce of humility.
“How’s this for embarrassing? I asked Sierra out, and can you imagine that I couldn’t even pick her up because I don’t have a car? I only have a scooter. Me, the superstud from college, reduced to an average loser. The worst.
“I took her out to dinner. It wasn’t a fancy restaurant because I only had forty-seven dollars in my bank account.” He shook his head with a self-deprecating laugh. “Try making any kind of impression with forty-seven dollars.”
Despite everything, my heart clenched. I had no idea he was struggling that badly.
“I humiliated myself asking her to help me find a better paying job where she works, but she refused. I managed to get an offer on my own, and man, I was so relieved. I’d finally be able to get out of this hole. But guess what? Sierra somehow had me blackballed.”
His voice cracked, and I held my hand over my mouth, horrified by every new revelation.
“That’s one reason I entered this contest. I told her I needed to win this so I could seed the idea I have for a comic book, but she said she didn’t care. She planned to crush me for sport even though, as she just confessed, she never cared about the win. She’s just trying to overcome some anxiety. Can you imagine being so entitled you enter a contest with a thousand-dollar cash prize even though you admit you don’t care about the money? Wouldn’t we say she’s already gotten all she can out of it?”
I couldn’t drag my eyes away or stop listening to Tristan’s roast. If I hadn’t already thrown away my chance, this character assassination would have knocked me out. He was making me wonder if I’d been too harsh on him. The crowd was going to hand him the money at this rate.
“It gets worse.”
He licked his lips, and I stupidly waited to hear what would come next.
“You know, I really thought she liked me. Didn’t you? Y’all heard how she waxed rhapsodic about me, right? I thought with that much adoration, I might get some action, but she’s a tease. She’ll bat her eyelashes, then stomp on your dick.
“Such a nice girl.”
Alfie’s hand crushed mine, tugging me out of my paralysis, and I knew he was fighting the urge to rush the stage and punch Tristan’s lights out. But as the owner of the bar, he couldn’t do that. His only recourse was to get the hell out of there.
“But that’s not the worst part.
“The worst was that she threw me over in favor of that same dweeby guy who she’d ignored in college. Sadly, Sierra couldn’t figure out where she fell on the food chain and neglected him then. Now ten years later, here she is begging for that loser’s attention. Hilarious.”