“Jake,” I say, reaching out and grabbing his hand before he fully turns away. He turns back, and his eyes say, Why yes, I would love to kiss you some more. For a moment, I think that sounds like a great idea, but I hurry and speak up before he or I get a chance to act on that thought. “What are we?” There we go. It’s out now.
His brows pull together, and a thoughtful expression clouds his eyes. “What do you mean?”
“I know this is only our first date, but…I guess…I don’t know.” A-plus conversational skills are happening over here. Really top-notch stuff.
The problem is, I’m scared. I’m scared that making him Define The Relationship will scare him off. Because in history, this is the moment all of my dates bail. It’s like they see me approaching with a giant, man-sized net and think, No way am I getting trapped in that one.
“You want to know where this is going?” he asks, and I can’t tell if he sounds hesitant or not.
“Yeah. I guess I do.”
He bites his lips together and nods. He turns away, and I think that maybe I’ve annoyed him, but when he shuts off the burner and takes whatever has been furiously boiling off of it, I realize he’s just getting settled in. He turns around and takes both of my hands, pulling me back up to his warm body, and I wrap both of my arms around his waist. I like this. I like that I get to do this. It feels natural and new—but also like we’ve been doing this forever.
Jake looks down at me and fills his broad chest with air and then lets it out. “I think our title would be dating. I like you. You like me. We’re making out in the kitchen but not going too fast too soon.”
“Right. Good. Yeah.” But see…that’s not the answer that I needed. I want to tell myself to just simmer down and enjoy the ride, but honestly, it’s not safe to drive in a car at night with your headlights off. I need to see where I’m going. “It’s just that…a guy at a restaurant asked me out earlier today, and I honestly didn’t know if I should accept or turn him down, because I wasn’t sure what this thing between us is. I know we are dating, but are we exclusive? Are we casual? Are we seeing other people?”
Jake’s brows pull together tightly. I can’t tell if he looks upset or is just giving it a lot of thought. I think guarded is probably the best description. “You got asked out?”
I nod.
He nods slowly, too, and then his expression changes to something lighter. He shrugs, and suddenly, he’s Mr. Yeah-Everything’s-Cool guy. “I think we should be non-exclusive. Casual.”
Oh.
That was so not where I was hoping this heart-to-heart was going.
“Casual.”
“Yeah.” He smiles softly. “Like I said, I want to take this slow with you. We should just have fun and keep things light. Date. Get to know each other. But by all means, feel free to go out with other people.” He lets go of me and heads over to pull two plates down from the cupboard.
I’m staring at him numbly, trying to decide if I’m okay with this or not. I feel let down. As much as I don’t want to admit it, I was hoping that Jake—the man that feels so out of my league—saw something in me that made him want me all to himself. But of course he wants to be casual. He’s just come out of a long relationship, and he wants some time to explore his options.
I don’t like casual. I don’t like open relationships because they lead to nothing but heartache for me. But I do like Jake, and I think he’s beyond wonderful. So, am I willing to sacrifice my wants for this? Play it cool and see where it goes?
I don’t know because, right now, I feel so disappointed that I just need a minute to let my frown loose.
Jake is fluttering casually around the kitchen, looking just as cool and collected as he did at the beginning of the night, and I’m pretty sure my shoulders are sagging. “I…need to wash my hands before we eat.” Surely, he can’t argue with good hygiene.
I think my voice might have trembled, though, because he looks over his shoulder with an inquisitive look. I don’t wait around for him to ask me if I’m okay. I turn on my heels and make a mad dash for the bathroom and shut the door behind me. I lean against it and give myself the freedom to pout for a minute. Just one little indulgent pity party.
My mind bounces from that devastating kiss, to his proposal of a casual relationship, back to the kiss. See, this is why I’m old-fashioned. This is why I’m not the kind of girl to sleep around with guys for the fun of it. My heart dives in deep, and if I added the physical layer to it, I’d be shattered when he decided he was ready to move on.
While I’m in here, I decide to stall by going to the bathroom. It’s when I’m seated on the porcelain throne that I realize my obnoxious and never-appreciated friend, Aunt Flow, has arrived early for her visit. Wonderful! Just wonderful. Because guess what? I know for a fact that I don’t have any tampons on me because I DIDN’T BRING MY PURSE.
I want to groan at the injustice of the last half hour. It’s fine, though. I’m fine. This isn’t my first rodeo. It’s not glamorous, but I know what to do here. I wrap toilet paper around my hand a few times until I’ve made a nice, scratchy and uncomfortable pad for myself to tuck into my underwear until I can get home.
I don’t know if I’m relieved or disappointed that this date has to end early. On one hand, I’m happy that I’ll have more time to think over the casual proposition, but I’m also sad to leave Jake. I’ve missed him this week.
Oh well. I have to go because I don’t really care to free bleed on Jake’s couch. Now, I just have to make up an excuse that will get me out of here without having to sacrifice my dignity.
Chapter Twenty-Three
JAKE
I’ve been nervously pacing the kitchen, waiting for Evie to come out of the bathroom. I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach that the conversation we just had did not come out in my favor. It might have just been in my head, but she seemed spooked before she went to the bathroom.
When I hear the bathroom door open but Evie doesn’t come right into the kitchen, I round the corner and find her in the living room. She has Charlie’s leash in one hand and her cell phone in the other. She’s looking down and typing on it, but when I enter the room, her wide green eyes shoot up to me, and she offers an awkward smile.
“Oh hey, yeah, so I’m really sorry, but it turns out I’ve got to cut our dinner date short.” What?! “I had something come up, and…it’s kinda important. Well, actually it’s super important, and I have to take care of it right away. I’m really sorry.”
Jake, you freaking idiot! I knew that I played it too cool back there in the kitchen.
When Evie told me she was asked out by some random dude, I freaked out inside. That situation is exactly why I’ve been hesitant to date someone as young and gorgeous as Evie. But then, I thought about it and realized she had given me the perfect excuse to have my cake and eat it too. I could date her. I could enjoy time with her. I could kiss her. But as long as I never mentally plan to commit to this woman, I’ll be okay. I can’t lose someone I never really had.
But right now, seeing her frantically typing on her phone…I’m thinking that I made a mistake.