“Gotcha. Okay, so do you want some company then? I can have June come stay with Sam.” He’s offering to go with me? I didn’t even really give him a valid reason, and he’s willing to go with me anyway?
“It’s going to be torture.”
“Will you be there?”
I laugh. “Yeah.”
“Then it’ll be worth it.”
Yep. I’m a goner. I am no match for this man. He makes me feel wanted and valued in a way that I didn’t even know existed. As scary as it is, I’m starting to picture a future with Jake. One where, after forty years of marriage, he still pinches my butt in the kitchen.
Charlie looks up and sees my dreamy expression and shakes his head at me. I think he really is getting jealous now.
“All right then, yes. I’d love for you to come with me.”
We continue to talk for my whole walk home, and before I know it, I’m lying on my couch and twirling my hair around my finger while Jake tells me about his day. Yes, he’s made me a hair twirler too. Don’t worry, I’m fully aware of how annoying I am to be around now.
Finally, he asks for details about what he should wear tomorrow night and what time we need to be leaving my house to get to my parents’ place. I tell him 6:30, to which he replies, “Great. I’ll be there at 6:15 so I can mess up your lipstick a little before we go.”
I’m having so much fun in this flirty bubble with Jake that, at first, I don’t even realize that Charlie has suddenly stood up and come to sit in front of me, staring. It’s not a normal stare. It’s a direct look that he only ever uses when he needs my attention most. My chuckle dies out, and dread takes its place. I know this look. I’ve seen it many times.
“Hang on, Jake,” I say, and I think he can hear the worry in my voice, because he starts asking if everything is okay. I ignore him and focus on Charlie who is now whining, and I know it’s not because he needs to go potty.
Annoyed that I’m not acting on his signals, Charlie takes his alerting to the next level. He takes the hem of my dress into his mouth and starts tugging me. I blow out a breath through my mouth, because now I’m certain that Charlie is alerting me of an oncoming seizure.
I know what he’s telling me to do. “All right, buddy, I’m coming,” I say to Charlie, and I follow our usual procedure and get down on a clear spot on the floor. I probably could lie on the couch or my bed, but I’m always worried that I’ll convulse myself out of the bed and hit my head on the floor. Living on my own, I like to be more careful than necessary when it comes to my seizures. So, I lie on my back and take a deep breath. It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve gone through this, though, it never gets less scary.
“Jake.”
“What’s wrong, Evie?”
“Charlie just alerted me. I’m going to have a seizure.” My voice shakes even though I’m trying so hard to put on a brave face. I’m going to be okay. Charlie will watch out for me. Once I lose consciousness and begin convulsing, I know that Charlie will move me onto my side to keep me safe. He’ll go push the button on the wall that calls Jo and then come back to stay with me and lick my face to bring me back into consciousness faster. Even now, he’s going to the fridge and using the tug rope to pull it open and retrieve a water bottle for me for after the seizure.
When Jake speaks, he sounds as heavy as I feel. “How long do you think until it starts?”
“He always alerts me ten to thirty minutes before an episode.”
“Okay.” I hear him rustling papers around frantically. “I’m on my way from the office, so it won’t take me long to get there.”
“What?!” I start to sit up, but Charlie doesn’t like it and tugs me back down. I comply. “Jake, you don’t have to do that. I’ll be all right. I’ll call you later, once everything passes.”
“Evie.” His voice is deep and means business. If my heart rate wasn’t already high from nervousness, it would be elevated for a whole different reason. “I want to. Please let me come over.”
Honestly, I’m contemplating saying no. I’m nervous. What if he gets here in time to see the episode? I’ve never filmed myself, so I don’t know what I look like during a seizure, but I’ve seen it reenacted by mean boys enough times to get a pretty good idea.
Jake has seen Sam’s seizures, so it won’t be totally foreign to him, but what if seeing me this way changes the way I look to him? I might be less attractive. Or he’ll realize that I’ll just be more of a burden in his life.
You might be thinking I’m overreacting here. I’m not. These fears have all evolved out of past experiences.
The truth is, Tyler Murray and I dated from freshman to junior year of high school. And remember those jocks that made fun of me for the way I convulsed during a seizure in class? Yeah, Tyler was one of them. Actually, first, he broke up with me, and then he made fun of me with his buddies.
I never told my parents about that day (and the weeks he spent reenacting my seizures in the hallway when I’d pass by) because I was too embarrassed—ashamed over something I couldn’t control.
Later, when Tyler and I graduated, and before he moved away, he tried to get back together with me (most likely because his parents were beginning to convince him of the merit of marrying a Jones by that point), and when I turned him down because of how he treated me our junior year, he said the teasing was all good-natured fun and he didn’t mean any harm by it.
It didn’t feel good-natured to me. And to this day, he’s never actually apologized for what he did.
Point is, it’s stuck with me all this time, and I’m legitimately afraid that if Jake comes over and sees me like that, it will put an end to our relationship before it ever gets going. But then, I remember my own advice to Sam. “If you think that these girls will be mean to you if you have a seizure, don’t go—they’re not worth your friendship.”
Jake is worth it.
I’m just about to tell him to come over when I hear Jake’s keys jingle and he says, “Like it or not, I’m on my way.”
I take a deep breath and shut my eyes. I guess that’s that then. I put my arm over Charlie and wait.
I had a seizure; I know that much. Everything feels a little foggy, and my arms and legs are heavy. I’m coming out of the seizure, and everything feels like a dream where life is a blurry haze. I don’t know how long ago I had it, but I know that I’m in the postictal phase and that I probably won’t feel like myself again for a while. All I want to do is sleep.
Suddenly, I hear a voice. “Are we all clear, Charlie?” And I realize it’s Jake. I peek open my eyelids, but they feel so heavy. The nausea is pretty intense too, so I shut them again. “That was a good boy,” I hear Jake say, and I picture him petting Charlie’s head.
The next thing I know, I feel a warmth over the side of my body, and Jake’s voice is close. “You’re okay, Evie. I’m here, and you’re safe. I’m going to move you up onto your bed so you can rest, okay?”
I nod slowly because, really, that’s all I feel like I can do yet. And then I feel Jake’s hands slide under my body and he cradles me close to his chest. He’s warm, and I wish I could stay in his arms forever. He’s like a heating pad but even better because I don’t have to plug him in to the wall.