“Okay, well, what I’m going to say isn’t gonna make you happy but here it is. Six weeks ago I was out with Natalie.”
She bit her lip, her face went blank, and I got this.
Natalie Harbinger had been my best friend since forever. I went to college to be a nurse. Natalie went to the same college as me, but she went to party. She put a lot of effort in and therefore excelled at this endeavor to the point she got kicked out of college. She continued to do this and there was nothing wrong with that, except the longer she did it the iffier became the element she did it with.
People at our age started to grow up and get themselves sorted. If they didn’t, their lives started spiraling down a path that would mean they never got sorted.
Natalie didn’t grow up and get herself sorted.
I got this. Natalie’s mom was arguably a bigger bitch than mine. The problem was, Natalie didn’t have a dad who gave a crap and a stepmom who was the bomb. I understood doing stuff to get attention, even if it was bad attention, but for me that crap was over years ago. She just didn’t seem to be able to pull herself out of it.
Thus Tyra was not a big fan of Natalie’s, and even Dad, who was the president of a motorcycle club and essentially had a life motto of ‘live and let live,’ had issues with her. The short of the long of it was, they didn’t like me hanging with her.
Furthermore, Jason had hated her. Unfortunately, Natalie returned the favor. This put me in the middle, which was not a fun place to be. Jason was the kind of guy who pretty much laid it out if the situation warranted it, and he hated Natalie enough to lay it out. Natalie also wasn’t the kind of person to keep things buried, so she didn’t hesitate to share. This was not comfortable for me, but I was the kind of person who was growing up and getting my life sorted. I was also falling in love so, naturally, rather than making a choice (as such), I started spending less time with her and more time with Jason.
She took the time I could give her without too much bellyaching, and I worked at keeping our friendship close even as it changed with the different paths our lives were taking.
But when Jason died, she’d totally stepped up. She was there for me. She didn’t breathe a word against Jason and kept her other crap separate. It was all about taking my back.
Six weeks ago, I needed her to take my back a different way.
I was tired of no sleep. I was tired of the constant reminders that Jason wasn’t there and never again would be. I was tired of the empty feeling in my stomach that would hollow out further when some memory hit me or a wedding card from someone who hadn’t heard about Jason came through the mail or I got a phone call from someone Tyra didn’t know to contact about something to do with the life Jason and I were going to start.
I needed a release. I needed to go back in time when, for Natalie and me, it was all about fun and music and beer and talking and not about how life could go straight down the toilet.
I needed to forget. I needed to remember when life was different, when it was good.
When things went wrong, I called Shy because he wasn’t like the other guys. He didn’t know Jason and he didn’t like me. I figured, like any of my father’s brothers would do, he’d come get me, get me safe, and that would be it. He wouldn’t look at me with kind eyes, urge me to talk, or give me a gentle lecture about hanging with Natalie, and I didn’t need any of that. In fact, I went out with Nat in the first place to get away from that.
I’d programmed his number in when I got my new phone. I didn’t know why, didn’t think about why, I just did.
What I didn’t expect was that he would give me exactly what I needed, be totally cool about it and also unbelievably sweet.
“Six weeks ago you were out with Natalie,” Tyra prompted, and I focused on her.
“I just needed… I needed…” I trailed off, and Tyra reached out to squeeze my hand.
“I get what you needed,” she said softly then lifted her chin for me to continue, so I did.
“It being Natalie, I’m sure you’re not surprised that our company wasn’t great company.” The look on her face told me she wasn’t surprised, but she had no response, so I kept going. “I was a little freaked, I called Shy, he came and got me, and the rest happened as I told you. The problem is, Shy was awesome, really cool, and I slipped out while he was sleeping and haven’t seen him or talked to him in six weeks, which is not cool.”
“Not sure about the not talking for six weeks part, but Shy is awesome,” she declared, and I blinked.
“You think Shy’s awesome?” I asked in disbelief.
“I do, don’t you?” she asked.
“Uh… I don’t know him very well… or I didn’t,” I evaded.
“True, noticed that,” she murmured. “You’re tight with all the brothers but not Shy. Thought it was because of that huge crush you had on him ages ago but, whatever. Bottom line, he’s a good guy.”
Tyra didn’t know about what Shy did to me, no one did. I shared everything with Tyra but not what he’d done. I didn’t even tell Natalie about that, and I shared everything with her too.
That was how much it hurt.
I’d loved him. It was a young, faraway love, but sometimes that was the most intense kind, or it was when you’re young and you love someone from afar. He’d crushed me, so bad I couldn’t even reexperience it by sharing.
So I didn’t.
When I didn’t speak, Tyra did.
“I like him. Your dad likes and respects him. He’s great with your little brothers, he’s actually great with all the brothers’ kids. He’s smart. He’s funny. He works hard and he’s loyal. Your dad says that if Dog or Brick wanted to step down as his lieutenant, he’d ask Shy to step up.”
I stared at her because this shocked me. That was huge coming from Dad.
She kept talking. “Says he’s loyal to the Club in a way that the recruits who didn’t live through what the other brothers lived through when your dad was cleaning up the Club aren’t because they weren’t tested. They don’t know how to be. Shy is, though, according to Tack. Shy’s all about his brothers, the Club, the family, so I’m not surprised he took care of you, Tab. Any of the boys would do that for you, not just for your dad.” She grinned. “Though, not sure any of the boys would put up with you singing a song from Les Mis. That shows your dad is right. Shy’s more loyal than the rest if he put up with that.”
I rolled my eyes.
She ignored my eye roll and asked, “What’d you sing, ‘Master of the House’?”
I rolled my eyes back to her.
“ ‘I Dreamed a Dream,’ ” I answered, and her grin faded.
Dad had never seen Les Misérables. Dad would never see Les Misérables. Dad got a funny look on his face when I told him Jason was taking me to see Les Misérables. To Dad, a man taking his woman to a musical did not say good things. When I told him, he opened his mouth to say something, caught sight of a “smiling-so-big-I-knew-she-was-in-danger-of-laughing Tyra, fortunately shut his mouth, and said no more.
But Jason had a mother and three sisters who were into musicals in a big way. They dragged him with them and Jason went, but he did this under duress.