“Say something,” I said.
“Do you, um, did it mean something? What happened at your place? With us?”
“Did it mean something to you?”
My tone sounded too defensive, but she shot me a creased brow that prevented me from reeling the tone back in. “Why are you being so hostile right now?” she said.
“Because I feel like you’re playing a game.”
“A game?”
“I have to yank every single thing out of you. Clearly, you have a lot of thoughts, so just say them. I’m right here.”
“I’m asking if it meant something to you—”
“I already told you that you’re not meaningless to me. That’s why we didn’t sleep together. Because I’m not going to sleep with you only to be separated by distance again, and I’m not going to sleep with you when you’re super drunk, and I’m stone-cold sober. Like, you really thought we’d be okay with hooking up for a night and then saying, ‘Okay bye, have a nice life’? Are you fucking kidding me?”
She shifted so her whole body squared mine as if committing herself to this argument. “You think I was using you?”
“I don’t know what was going on, but whatever it was, it wasn’t a good idea. If we’d slept together, I would have been opening myself up to be vulnerable to you, and once I do that, I’m allowing you to break my heart all over again, and it fucking terrifies me. I’ve still never felt as low as I did after we broke up. It’s the most heartbroken anyone has ever made me.”
Her nostrils flared, and streams rolled down her cheek. This time, she didn’t try to stop them. I watched them become thicker and fall, and it pained me with this uncomfortable burning sensation I didn’t think I could shake. I had to look away because the longer I watched, the stronger the burning that balled in my throat.
She sniffed and scrunched the end of her sweatshirt sleeve to dab her face. “You know that my ex-girlfriend came into town a few days ago?” she muttered. Now she had my undivided attention. A surge of jealousy rumbled through me at the same moment the tears brimmed in my eyes. “Brielle. To finally swap items. She begged me to take her back.” As my mouth dropped, she was quick to finish, “But I said no. I told her that I had feelings for someone else.”
“Really?”
“Really. What happened at your place meant something to me. You weren’t a rebound, and yeah, I was drunk, but that doesn’t make my feelings for you any less real. I kissed you because I wanted to, and I thought you wanted to too.”
“I did, but the timing was—”
“I know it wasn’t right, and I’m sorry. But that’s not the point I’m trying to make. The point is that I want you, Quinn, no one else.”
We were silent for what seemed like forever. It was a puzzle neither of us could solve. She lived in Brooklyn, and I had one full day packed with a photoshoot before hopping on a plane back to California. How the hell did someone manage to be with the only person they’d ever cared about, who lived on the opposite end of the country, while managing such a demanding sport?
“Ken,” I said and exhaled from the pit of my stomach. “Of course I wanted to kiss you. I spent all day trying to fight back the urge to kiss you or cuddle you when you were napping. I wished so much that the circumstances were different so I didn’t have to stop you in my room. I wanted to hug you until you stopped crying before you got into your Uber and felt like I lost so much when you drove away. I cried for the rest of the night because all I wanted was you.”
“Quinn, I’m so sorry—”
“I’ve been thinking about you since high school. I’ve been waiting for this moment to happen ever since we made our pact. Amira means nothing to me, and you shouldn’t compare yourself to her because you’re, like, five universes beyond her.”
She choked back a cry and swiped the corner of her eye. I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and kiss her all over, but instead, I stayed in my spot.
“Yes, the kiss meant something to me,” I continued. “Everything that happens between us means something to me. I don’t want anyone else either. Every girl I meet comes nowhere close to you or all the feelings I felt with you…or still feel.”
She ran her hands down her tearstained face before looking up. A pang ran through me when I saw her watery red eyes filled with so many questions.
“Say something,” I said.
She shook her head. “I…I want this so much, Quinn. I just want this to work. I want to be with you. I want to stick to the pact and try again. This is the time to do it.”
“But how do we make it work?” I asked. “Didn’t you break up with your girlfriend because of long distance?”
“I mean, it was way more than that.”
“Like what?”
“Like she wasn’t the one, and she was kind of an asshole, I’m starting to realize in hindsight. But I’d try long distance if it meant I got to be with you.”
I rubbed my aching temples. “But I’m going to be training for the world champs. You’re in grad school. We have schedules and distance.”
“I graduate in December. Your world champs are in December. My classes and your training aren’t permanent things.”
I paused to figure out the puzzle. I needed some liquid encouragement. “Do you mind if I have some more wine?”
She went to the kitchen and refilled both of our glasses with a liberal amount. Either to finish off the bottle or because she knew we would need it in order to trudge through this conversation. We both reached for our glasses and gulped through the silence. I tried to make sense of all of this.
“I want this to work more than anything,” she said softly and insecurely. “I’d rather get heartbroken for trying everything I could than get heartbroken for not trying anything at all.”
I rubbed my fingers against the stem of the glass, easing some pressure accumulating in my hands. I agreed with everything she said, but a broken heart was terrifying. It had been debilitating when I was eighteen. I couldn’t even imagine how those same feelings would translate being older and opening my heart more for her. Heartbreak wasn’t an option.
I let out a long grunt and tossed my head back against the top of the couch. “Long distance. The thing that ended your last relationship and the thing you told me to never do.”
“I know it’s not ideal, but Jacob lives an hour away from you. I’m sure I can squeeze in a few trips out there to see you. We can see how we do at this long-distance thing, and if it works, then we’re meant to be together.”
“But how long does this last?”
She rubbed her forehead. “Maybe I could move out there after I graduate.”
I lifted my head back up and saw the seriousness in her eyes. “What?”
“I graduate in December. Maybe after the holidays, I move out to San Francisco.”
“That’s a huge move.”
“Yeah, but the only thing holding me here is school. After that, I need a job, and I can apply anywhere I want, and I’m okay with that, especially if that means you.” She paused for a moment. “I feel like I’m convincing you to be with me.”