“You gotta push them so that they finally pull their heads out of their asses and decide to push back or pull away.”
Godfrey’s words barely filtered in, because suddenly, they were both gone. My eyes snapped open, and I sat up, looking around with wide eyes as Luis and Godfrey moved around, pulling on clothes.
“What are you doing?” I asked, my breath coming in way too quickly.
Godfrey and Luis shared a smirk as they finished getting dressed. I clutched the blankets against my chest as embarrassment set in. “What the hell was that?” I demanded.
“I told you,” Godfrey said, straightening the cuffs at his sleeves. “Sometimes people need a little push.”
Luis gave me an assessing look. “I’d say she’s nice and warmed up, wouldn’t you?”
Godfrey nodded. “The ‘fuck me’ look works for you, Scar.”
Luis headed toward the door, fistbumping Godfrey as he passed. “We still got it.”
Godfrey grinned cockily. “Course we do,” he agreed, walking out behind Luis. “We’ll get you some caffeine, Scar.”
My face was hot, my clothes askew, and I didn’t know what I felt more: embarrassment, rejection, confusion, or relief. I buried my head in my hands and took a few steadying breaths. These guys were going to be the death of me, but I didn’t even have a good minute to process it all because all of a sudden, a grumbling voice spoke outside the door.
“Hey, asshole! You up? I grabbed your clothes from your place.”
My eyes widened just as the door flew open, and then there was Rogue.
His eyes flashed first with confusion at my presence, and then his look morphed into anger. “What are you doing here?” he asked, while sweeping his gaze along my body, taking in the way I was blushing, my heaving chest, my disheveled clothes and messy blankets.
“I wanted to check on Godfrey, and Luis showed up,” I replied with a shrug, but there was a suggestion to my tone that I was certain he’d caught.
“What the fuck does that mean?” he asked with a growl, making me flinch.
I narrowed my eyes. “You don’t get to be mad, Rogue. You haven’t earned the right to demand exclusivity from me,” I retorted, even though I wanted to tell him that he already owned me. I could feel the words on the tip of my tongue, but I bit down on them, clenching so hard that my jaw ached. If I gave him that, then he’d have everything, every single part of me, and I would still have nothing.
“I told you not to kiss anyone else. What part of, you’re mine don’t you understand?” he asked, his voice a deathly growl. “Did you fuck them?”
Instead of answering him, I asked the question that had been bothering me since arriving this morning. “How was Stephanie?”
Rogue crossed his arms over his chest, as if questioning whether or not he wanted to answer me. I knew he was somewhere between wanting to piss me off and being pissed off. “She says hello,” he finally answered, pleased with himself.
Wrong answer, asshole.
“Godfrey went to make me some coffee,” I replied, suddenly feeling exhausted and sad. I stood up and started to fix my clothes, feeling his hot gaze over my body.
I looked at him. Really looked at him. I could have told him how they’d touched and teased me—I could have hurt him as much as he’d hurt me. But as my eyes swept up and down his body, I realized that I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want whatever this was between us if it was only going to be destructive. It could be hot, yeah. But I couldn’t handle that toxic fucked up push and pull all the time. I needed steady ground to stand on if I was going to survive this.
Just like that, my own outrage fizzled out of me. My anger was like a switch. On one minute, then off the next. The emotions swirling within me were a mix of shame and sadness. Godfrey might’ve thought that jealousy could push a man to step up, but it looked like it was just pushing Rogue away. I didn’t want to play this game. It was too emotionally draining, and I just didn’t have it in me. If he was going to keep me at arm’s length, it was better to end this now.
“I didn’t do anything with Godfrey and Luis, except get teased,” I relented with a sigh, totally spent. I was used to the tug of war with Godfrey. I expected the flirtatious banter with Luis, and the nice moments with Bonham. But Rogue consumed me. The emotional whiplash was getting too much to handle.
“I can’t do this, Rogue,” I whispered, and his eyes lost their angry edge, growing with intense scrutiny instead. “I should’ve stopped this, but I didn’t. I should’ve...I don’t know. Not let you devour me like this,” I said, looking around as if I could find the answer to all of my problems somewhere in this room. “You know what the worst part of all of this is?” I asked with a dark laugh. “You warned me. You told me not to want the things that don’t want me back. I didn’t listen. That’s on me.”
Shaking my head, tears filled my eyes, and I blew out a puff of hair that had fallen in my face. I bent down and grabbed my boots. While sitting on the plush mattress, I stepped into them and started lacing the brown leather up on my feet. I could feel his eyes on me. Rogue was hanging on to every honest word pouring from my lips.
“I put up with a lot of shit, Rogue, but you can’t bully your way into owning me if I don’t own you back. You can’t treat me like shit and exclude me. Fuck, Rogue, you can’t keep breaking my heart. You want to spend your nights with other girls? Fine. I know how you operate. But I won’t be one of them. I can’t handle not having you completely. It was never like that with us. I thought you knew. For me, it has to be different.”
I flashed a sad look at Rogue as he ran a shaky hand through his brown hair. I could see the indecision on his face. I was daring him to disagree with me. Pleading for him to say what I wanted to hear.
But he said nothing, and my heart broke more—no. It fucking shattered.
“I don’t know what we are now, but we were friends once. I know there was a time that you loved me. I think that changed when all of this happened. Somewhere along the way, our relationship got too fucked up. I know that you guys were trying to protect me, but something twisted between us, and I don’t know if we can learn to trust each other again. I feel more ruined than ever,” I admitted, finishing tying up my shoes as my voice caught. “You don’t treat your friends this way. You don’t lie to them and deliberately hurt them. You don’t bend them to your will, and then get pissed off when they finally break. And you certainly don’t fuck them and then go sleep with Stephanie Palmisano.”
I stood up and took one last inhale. “Whatever this was? Let’s just be done. Don’t touch me. Don’t kiss me. Don’t talk to me. Don’t try to explain your behavior. I get it, okay? I only have a scrap of the bigger picture. But I refuse to be like my mama, clinging to a man that does nothing but hurt me. If you care about me at all, you’ll let me go. We can try to just be friends, maybe, but the rest? We need to stop, Rogue.”
Our shirts brushed together as I passed by and walked out. Once again, he didn’t try to stop me.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
I didn’t sleep again last night. After leaving Rogue's house Sunday morning, my mama ran me ragged at home, making me put in some extra practice for my cotillion classes by going over some of the etiquette bullshit. She kept impressing upon me how I couldn’t embarrass her in front of Mrs. Brodie. If I hadn’t been so down after my conversation with Rogue, I might’ve been pissed and argued with her, but I didn’t have it in me.