I think at this point, we’ve exchanged enough heavy stuff to hold us for a while. So let’s move on to the lighter portion of Luca and Griffin, Part Deux. I’ve got eight years’ worth of unanswered questions:
Did you finally have sex? If so, you owe me your first-time story, since I shared mine and you promised to share yours. (Is it fucked up that I sort of wish you haven’t had sex yet?)
How do you feel about bacon? I mean, you mentioned you have a pet pig, so I’m wondering if this means you don’t eat bacon. Or maybe you’re a vegetarian like half the people out here in healthy California.
If you were going to sing karaoke, what song would you choose and why?
Later, gator,
Griff
P.S. While the thought of you showing me yours is extremely enticing, I’d like to hold off on exchanging photos for a while. Let’s keep the mystery going.
P.P.S. Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia—fear of long words—sixty-five points. Makes your little nineteen-point agoraphobia seem like child’s play now, doesn’t it? Get a real fear, Ryan.
P.P.P.S. Do you have genophobia? I definitely don’t.
CHAPTER 5
LUCA
I ran to the dictionary to look up the word genophobia: The psychological fear of sexual relations or sexual intercourse.
Great.
Well, he definitely wasted no time speaking his mind. In that sense, it was like no time had passed.
His questions certainly gave me a lot to ponder. The funny thing? I knew how I wanted to answer them, aside from one: how I felt about bacon. That was a dilemma I’d often struggled with. Gah! Why did he have to ask that?
I knew I wouldn’t be writing him back until tonight anyway; I was late for an appointment with Doc. While we normally took walks in the woods, the weather wasn’t cooperating today. So we planned to meet at Doc’s house.
It was a good thing I had agoraphobia and not claustrophobia, because Dr. Maxwell had a tiny house—literally—like the kind you see on those shows featured on HGTV. Until Doc, I hadn’t ever met anyone who actually lived in one.
Doc pointed to his favorite bird painting hanging on the wall. “This one still has to be my favorite, Luca. The hummingbird.”
About a year ago, Doc decided that he was going to strive toward a life of minimalism—thus, the tiny house. Apparently all he needed were air and birds. He also concluded that he no longer wished for me to pay for my therapy in dollars, because he had enough money. He insisted that I instead choose another way to compensate him and asked that I come up with something I felt was suitable.
What do you get the man who doesn’t apparently want or need anything? I knew it had to have something to do with birds.
Besides my writing, I’d always dabbled in art, just simple oil paintings. One afternoon, I Googled how to paint a bird. Over several months, I perfected the craft from the feather details down to the beak formation. I taught myself how to sketch and paint several types of birds but only presented him with the very best ones. The rest I kept in my basement. It was like a mortuary of birds down there. The one commonality among all the birds I’d painted? They all looked stoic, never flying, just posed. And their beaks were never open. We’d dubbed my art “The Stoic Bird Collection.” Doc theorized that the birds’ expressions were a reflection of how I felt inside. That’s some heavy shit. Anyway, my framed artwork now graced every small corner of Doc’s house, and I sort of cracked up every time I looked around at my creations.
Doc took a seat across from me. “So tell me, Luca, how has your correspondence with Griffin been going?”
The mere mention of Griffin’s name had me feeling all giddy inside. “It’s been really amazing. It feels like we sort of took up where we left off, which is pretty unbelievable, considering all we’ve both been through and the time that has passed.”
“What does he do in California exactly?”
“You know . . . he doesn’t go into the specifics of his job, but I know he works in the music industry and is an aspiring musician. I assume he must have taken any position to get his foot in the door.”
“Ah. Smart.”
“Something interesting, though . . . When I suggested that we exchange photos, he actually said he preferred that we keep the mystery going. I thought that was a little strange. In the past, he was always the one pushing to see what I looked like.”
“Are you thinking that maybe he’s ashamed of how he looks?”
“I’m not sure. Either that or he just enjoys the suspense.” I sighed. “Is it weird to not care at all what he looks like now? I mean . . . there’s a part of me that definitely imagines him as good-looking, like he was in the one photo I received from him when we were twelve. But at the same time, it just doesn’t matter to me.”
“I am actually a little surprised you were so eager to send him a photo of yourself. That’s not like you. You tend to be a bit more guarded than that.”
“Not with him. I think it’s a selfish need to let him know that I’m not unattractive—or at least I don’t think I am. I guess I kind of want him to want me. As awkward as I can be around other people, I’m pretty comfortable in my own skin. People have told me that I’m attractive enough times to believe it, even if some of those people were probably just trying to get into my pants.”
“I’m glad you see yourself as beautiful, Luca—as you should, both inside and out. Of course, it doesn’t matter what others think, only what you think.”
While I knew he was theoretically right—it shouldn’t matter what anyone else thinks—I definitely cared what Griff thought. Maybe a bit more than I should so soon.
“Sometimes at night when I’m bored, I put on makeup and get dressed up for no reason.”
“I would say that’s odd, but I spend half my life having one-sided philosophical conversations with birds.”
“Yeah. You really can’t talk, Doc.” I laughed. “Anyway . . . I get all dressed up with nowhere to go. It’s pretty pathetic. But I get to see what I’d look like if I actually left the house. I take a few photos. I clean up nicely.”
“You know you’re giving me a great idea for one of your next exposure exercises, right?”
“Let me guess. You’re gonna make me get dressed up and actually go out and be around people, aren’t you?”
“Yes. And I know just the place we’ll go.”
I should probably be concerned. “Great.”
Finally, nestled into my comfy spot on the couch with a hot cup of tea by my side, I began to write back to Griffin.
Dear Griffin,
I actually had to look up what genophobia is. At first, I thought you were referring to being a germophobe, which I certainly am not, considering I live with a pig! (I do keep her as clean as possible, although show her a pile of mud and all bets are off. Her true piggish tendencies come out.)
Am I a genophobe? No. I love the idea of sex, of opening myself up to someone like that—I guess opening myself up literally and figuratively. :-) It can be a little scary, but not to the point of a phobia. My sexual experiences haven’t exactly lived up to the potential I believe possible with the right partner, though. In other words, I haven’t had the mind-blowing sex that probably exists. At least, I hope it exists. I’m still waiting to experience it.