I agreed with Apollo’s mom and Stone. Jared was in a stable environment there. He wouldn’t be with me, but that was another thing I needed to remedy next week. As soon as I could, I needed to travel up there just to see him, hug him, check in with him in person.
That was at the top of the list.
That night, I broke.
I’d been doing good. Going. Not thinking. But with the planning that day, thoughts and worries snuck in, and unlike the last time, I didn’t have anything to push these emotions off. I let them in. I felt them. And I cried. I sobbed.
I needed to sob.
Saturday was different. I couldn’t stay inside any longer, so I was out. I was walking. And without intending to go there, I found myself at campus.
Then, the library.
Then a back section and I sat there, my headphones on, and I breathed. I just breathed.
I felt an attack coming on. I didn’t know why. I didn’t know what started it, but it was coming and I had to focus on just getting air in and out through my lungs. That tended to help. I needed my mind to shut down, too, or I needed to leave.
My phone was in my hand.
Stone said not to text. What a bitch I would be, texting him now. I got through my episode last night. I could handle this one just fine.
Not that I could handle it, I would.
I would be fine.
I would be fine.
I would be fine.
I wasn’t fine.
My pulse was rising. My vision was becoming blurry. I felt my body heating up, shooting past my normal temp and that wasn’t a good sign. Now I was just getting anxiety about getting anxiety or whatever this was. I hated it. I loathed it.
I reached for my phone.
No! I couldn’t text Stone.
He’d been helping me because of my mom. He fucked me. I couldn’t imagine he fucked me because of her, but I had to deal with this alone. He told me not to contact him when I needed help with my nightmares. This was a nightmare.
I was alone.
No one was coming to help.
And then, as if I had conjured it to happen, my phone started ringing. Stone calling.
My breath was becoming more shallow, but when I started seeing stars, I hit accept, putting the phone to my ear.
I couldn’t talk.
My throat wasn’t working.
I slid out of my chair, my butt hitting the floor, and I leaned forward. My forehead bent over, almost touching the ground. There. I could handle it this way. I could get through this attack like this.
Right?
“Dusty?”
My lungs were rattling.
He cursed. “Where are you?”
They were seizing again. I pushed out, it sounded as a wheeze, “Library.”
“I’m at a team thing, but I can be there in thirty. Hold on, okay?”
I should tell him not to come.
I had pushed him away. Straight up. That’s what I did. Him being inside of me all night long, I already felt stripped to him. Then finding those cookbooks, unraveling this mother-like relationship he had with my mom and hearing there was some other secret thing going on with my dad and his mom, I hadn’t wanted to deal with any of it.
So I pushed him away because I was safe alone. It’s what I was used to. No one could hurt me then, but here I was being weak and an asshole, and just so fucking thankful he had called me because I knew my pride was a problem. I wouldn’t have reached out. I would’ve endured, but now I only had thirty minutes to worry about.
Thirty.
I could do that.
Easy-peasy.
But no. I’d have to stand. I’d have to walk out of here because Stone couldn’t search the library. He’d be accosted just parking in the lot.
I needed to meet him halfway.
With that thought, I would get up. In a minute. Another minute. Five more. Okay. Ten more.
I was fully paralyzed. I couldn’t get myself to stand up, least of all walk out of there. Then my phone was going again. It was a text this time.
Stone: Where in the library?
Me: Second floor. Curled in a ball on the ground.
Stone: I’m coming.
I didn’t know how he could.
I tried pushing myself up again, but my body decided not to follow my commands. Curled in a ball, my forehead to the ground, nope. My body was saying it was just fine like this. Stay here. We’ll be safe here.
I needed to go…then, a footstep down my aisle. I tensed.
A soft voice, “Dusty? Is that you?”
Siobhan.
She came forward, kneeling beside me. I felt her. “Are you okay?”
No. I was in agony and I couldn’t talk, I was in that much agony.
“Dusty.” More urgent. More concern. Her hand came to my shoulder.
I couldn’t move.
“What’s happening to you?”
I was having an episode. Couldn’t she tell?
I should be in a mental hospital. They had drugs for this, whatever was happening to me. I couldn’t even function on my own in public. This was ridiculous. And I was fully thinking these thoughts at the same time my body was locked up in a fetal ball.
“Dusty!” She began shaking me harder. “You’re scaring me.”
There was a rush of other footsteps.
She squeaked, whirling around.
“I got her.” That was Stone.
“Um.” She stood up, backing out of the way.
He moved in, then his arms were around me. He asked in my ear, “Can you move at all?”
A small shake of my head. That was it.
He cursed, but lifted me.
Once I was up, my legs went down and my arms went around him, and I could stand again. It was like he jarred me back to life.
Then he was in front of me. The aisle was too narrow, so Siobhan was behind him. He had on a large black sweatshirt, the hood pulled up, and a hat on underneath. The brim was pulled low, half-masking his face so only his nose, cheeks, and jawline could be seen. His mouth, too.
His so fuckingly talented mouth.
He was raking me in, and whatever he saw had that jaw clenching. His hand tightened on my arm. He demanded roughly, “What do you need right now? I can’t carry you out of here. I just can’t. Too much attention, so what can I do to help you so you can walk out of here by yourself?”
I touched his face, and I closed my eyes. Leaning in, my head to his chest, I stood there.
Slowly, almost hesitantly, his arms came around me. He held me. And only then did the knot that had a paralyzing hold on me start to unlock itself. My body began to ease, calming down. My temperature returned to normal. I felt my lungs expand.
I waited, past what was a normal time for a hug. But I needed it, and it was helping, and I knew Stone could tell. His hands splayed out on my waist, holding me above my hips. He was just waiting, letting me lean on him. Then, finally, I could talk and I gasped out loud.
His hand came up to the back of my neck. He gripped me, pulling my head back so I was looking him in the eyes.
They were hard, almost dead-like, but he asked, “You done being a bitch?”
Siobhan gasped behind him.
I hadn’t realized she was still with us.
I nodded, a small up and down, but it was true. He knew what I’d been doing. I said, but it came out as a whisper, “I’m sorry.”
“I get it. What you’re going through, I’m shocked you’re not a bigger bitch.”
I closed my eyes and my head went back to his chest. His hand softened on me, cupping the entire side of my face from my cheek to his fingers behind my neck. His fingers slid up into my hair and he cradled me to him.