I have to fix this, tell him, but I’m terrified of being rejected.
Clark parks the truck and kills the engine. I open my door at the same time he opens his and then we walk to the front door in silence. I follow Clark inside and close the door behind me.
“Let’s sit down and talk,” Clark finally says, shrugging off his tux jacket before taking a seat on the couch. I sit down on the other end of the sectional, so we are not so close, and I can look him in the eyes when I talk.
Clark is sitting stoically, waiting for me to explain. I take a deep breath in, trying to calm myself and gather all my courage before I start to talk. Before I say out loud what I never told anyone else before.
“I already told you that my father didn’t know about the abuse, so when he found out that I was… that I was pregnant… he just assumed that I had snuck out partying—”
“Jesus Christ, Em,” Clark interrupts, his face a mask of agony, like the words physically hurt him. With his elbows on his knees, he lets his face fall into his hands. “Why didn't you tell him… or anybody?”
“I was scared… no one would have believed me.”
“Fuck, Em, what happened? What happened with the baby?”
No longer able to hold back the tears, I let them fall. I let it all out. “I didn’t want it.” My words come out as sobs. I’m not even sure if he can understand me at this point. “I didn't want the baby, but by the time I realized I was pregnant, it was too late.”
My whole body shudders remembering that time. I felt so lost and alone. “I decided on adoption. I wasn’t going to have an abortion no matter what but then…I lost the baby when I was six months along.” I have to pause, even saying the words out loud hurts. It feels like my heart is being shredded. Knowing that it was my fault inflicts the worst pain of all. “The doctor said it was because I was malnourished and stressed. I… it was my fault that the baby died… I didn’t want it and then it died. If I had wanted it. Maybe…”
“Holy fuck, Emerson.” I don’t see Clark move through my tear-stained vision, but I feel him getting up off the couch and taking a seat next to me.
His arms circle round me as he pulls me into his chest. “I’m so sorry. It wasn’t your fault. None of this is your fault. Don’t ever think that.”
“He was there, Clark. He was there…I saw him…” I cry into his chest.
“Where? At the benefit event?” Clark’s voice takes on a frantic tone.
“Yes, he grabbed me when I was following you, it was him.”
Clark pulls away, holding me at a distance, his eyes bleeding into mine. “Rick Paulson? Rick Paulson is the guy who… who raped you?” His lips tremble as he says the words.
My eyes go wide, my throat clogging and my chest tightening. How…how does he know him?
“Y-you know him?”
“No, I mean yes, kind of. I met him once, a few weeks ago. That day Vance picked you up from classes. He introduced himself to me as an old friend of my father’s, he told me he just moved here…” Clark trails off as if the pieces of the puzzle are only now connecting in his mind. “It was him? He hurt you?” he asks, more as if he’s talking to himself then asking me, but I answer him anyway with a nod.
As if there is a fire, he jumps up from the couch the movement so sudden that I jerk back against the cushions.
“I’m going to kill him,” he grits out, fury overtaking his features. His hands curl into tight fists and his muscles bulge with tension. “I’m going to fucking kill him.”
He starts to head for the door, and I jump up off the couch, rushing to his side. “No! Clark, please… don’t leave me,” I plead, not caring how desperate I sound. Wrapping my arms around his middle to stop him, I bury my face against his chest.
If I have to get on my knees and beg him to stay, I will. I would do anything at this point not to lose him. “You promised… you promised you would never leave me. I can’t lose you Clark and if you go and kill him, then I’ll lose you forever.”
His hands grip onto my arms and for a second, I think he is going to push me away, my heart skidding to a stop in my chest, but then he releases me wrapping his strong arms around me. Intertwining us.
“Fuck, you’re right. I won’t do anything to risk losing you.” His lips graze my forehead. Relief washes over me at his words. My body relaxing in his hold, comfort and warmth, replacing the panic in fear that stood there moments ago. “How? How did this fucker get to you? Where the fuck was your dad?”
Memories of that time flood my brain at his question, but for the first time, they don’t suffocate me. They still hurt, still have my stomach in knots and my chest aching, but they are not drowning me like they used to. Not when I’m holding on to Clark, not with him by my side. He is my life preserver in this ocean of sadness, he keeps me afloat when I think I’m going to go under.
For the first time in my life, I say the words out loud. I tell the story I never told before and never thought I would. “A few years back, Rick worked a big case with my dad. He stayed with us for that time…” I pause, holding on to Clark, drawing strength from him. “He would come in my room at night. At first it was just touching… I told him that I didn’t want to be touched, but he didn’t listen. He said stuff like, he knows I want him, everybody does, he’s seen the way I looked at him. I didn’t, but he made me feel like I did. He told me no one would believe me if I said anything and… he took pictures of me. He said he would show everybody if I would say something.”
“Fuck, Em… I’m so sorry. I wish I would have been there to protect you. How did your dad not notice that something was wrong? I don’t fucking understand.”
“I was a quiet person even before. My dad’s top priority always has been work, he never paid much attention to me and I was homeschooled, so I never really had friends. And even if I had anyone, I don’t think I would have said anything. I was so scared, and I felt dirty. I know now that it wasn’t my fault, but it felt like it then. I thought it was my fault. I was frightened and confused, and I felt broken… so broken. But all of that changed since I met you, I don’t know what I would do without you now. You don’t know what you mean to me, Clark. How much you helped me. Without you I’m a mess, suffocating in fear. Ever since you came into my life, I feel like I’m whole again. I love you…” The words pour out of me, and I mean every single one of them. He already knows my deepest and darkest secret so pouring out my heart to him feels easy now. Like it’s natural.
“Never did I think I would care for someone as much as I care for you… and never, ever, did I think I would love someone but I do. I love you, Emerson.” His words caress the scabbed over wounds that cover my body. He loves me. He knows my secrets and he’s still here. He’s seen me in some of my worst times and yet, he still wants me.
I smile with ease, my heart never having felt so heavy and full before.
I don’t know how long we stand there, just holding onto each other, but after a while, he pulls away, resting his forehead against mine.
“Let’s go to bed. I want to get you out of this dress and hold you in my arms.” Heat flickers in his eyes, and somehow it sparks a fire inside of me, as if he’s fire and I’m gasoline.