“Do the pancakes make you bliss?”
“Yes.” He laughed at her use of the word. “But do you know what brings me more bliss than I ever could have imagined?”
“What?” She sipped her juice.
“You and your mommy.” X sat across from her. “You’ve changed my life, kid.”
“If you say so.” She poked her fork into the pancake and fed it to him.
Why did he ruin this? How were we ever going to get past his betrayal?
“Good morning.” I entered the kitchen.
“Mama! We made pancakes.” The excitement on Zoey’s face was too much to bear. I couldn’t bring her down with my current mood. “Do you want some?”
“You know what, baby, I don’t feel so good. Maybe later.”
“Can I get you something?” X got up from his chair. “Juice?”
I shook my head. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Absolutely.” He put the TV on for her. “I’ll be right back.”
“Okay.” She continued to eat as she watched her favorite channel.
“We can go into my study.” He placed his hand on the small of my back. “Are you sure I can’t get you anything? What’s bothering you?”
“Are you serious?”
“You said you didn’t feel well.”
“I don’t.” I entered his study. “My head hurts, I feel like I’m going to vomit, and I’m exhausted.”
“I’m sorry.”
You should be!
“You didn’t tell Zoey, did you?” I wasn’t sure how she would process that information but I wasn’t ready for her to know.
“I wouldn’t do that without you.”
“I don’t want to do it today.” I wasn’t sure when I’d ever want to do it. She was too young to process this life-altering situation.
“I understand. I’ll respect that.”
“Thank you.” That was one less thing I had to worry about today.
“Are you sure you don’t want to try and eat?”
“I can’t sit across from you and pretend you didn’t totally destroy me. Not even for Zoey.”
“What can I do to make this right?”
“Nothing.”
“I screwed up. I never should have taken things this far but I can’t take back what I’ve done. I can only move forward.” When he took my hand, I didn’t pull away. Why couldn’t I pull away? “I want to do that with you and Zoey.”
“You want your daughter. That has always been your motivation.”
“I can’t deny that.”
“I’m going to have Carla and Keith come and get us.” I glanced out the window. “The storm wasn’t that bad.”
“I can take you home.”
“I’ve already spoken to Carla.”
“Have you told her?”
“Yes.”
“Good, you should have someone to talk to.”
“I’m going to answer some emails and get myself together.” I had to protect Zoey. “You should go have breakfast with her.”
“You should be with us.”
“I told you I can’t.” I let go of his hand. “Spend some time with her because once we leave here, I’m going to need time.”
“How much time?”
“I don’t know.”
“What I did was wrong but my intentions were right.”
“I don’t think so.” My head pounded hard against my temples. “I don’t want to talk about this right now.”
“Stay the day with me. We’ll work it out.”
“No.”
“Kara, please don’t walk out on me.”
“You’re going to have to give me space so that I can figure this out.”
“X,” Zoey called for him. “Are you coming back?”
“I’ll be right there, sweetie.” When he stared into my eyes, I saw the conflict in his. “I’m not giving up on us.”
“Go have breakfast with your daughter.” The word stuck in my mind. Was this my new reality? “We’re leaving soon.”
“I’ll give you your space but I won’t walk out of her life. Don’t ask me to do that.”
“Don’t ask me to make decisions I’m not prepared to make. I realize you were wronged but what you did to me…” I held back a sob because emotionally I couldn’t deal with him. “Please, leave me alone.”
“I’m sorry.” He leaned in and kissed my cheek. “I’m never giving up.”
I turned and gazed out the window. As the tears dampened my cheeks, he left me alone to ponder the secret he had kept from me. As many times as I wished he could be Zoey’s father, I never imagined he actually was. The man he made me believe he was didn’t exist. He’d shattered me. How could I come back from that?
Xavier
“It’s been three days.” I paced John’s office. “I haven’t heard from her in three fucking days. She won’t answer my texts or return my calls.”
“Do you blame her?”
“I thought she’d realize I was coming from a good place.”
“When you deceived her?”
“Whose side are you on?”
“I’m not your attorney,” John said. “I’m here to help you.”
“You’re not helping.”
“I suggest you give Kara the space she needs to get over your betrayal. Once she calms down, she’ll reach out to you.”
“If she doesn’t? What am I supposed to do about my daughter?”
“You’re going to have to accept that you can’t control this situation.”
“That’s the problem. I haven’t had control from the beginning. Lanie made sure of that.”
“Do you want to talk about Lanie?”
“No!” I shouted. “She’s the last person I want to discuss.”
“It’s okay to blame her for this. She had her reasons for what she did but that doesn’t mean that you weren’t hurt in all of this. Just because she isn’t here to explain herself doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to your feelings.”
I didn’t say anything.
“Xavier, we should talk about your feelings.”
“They don’t matter.”
“That’s not true. You’ve been motivated by your anger for months. You’re careful not to mention Lanie. You’re cautious when I ask what would have happened if she had told you the truth before she died.”
“Things would have been a lot different.” Would I have ended up with Lanie? I didn’t know but she robbed me of that chance to make my own choice.
“After Lanie’s death, you blamed yourself.”
“We worked through that.”
“I thought we had but then Zoey surfaced and our sessions have been concentrated on your plan to insert yourself into their lives. How you could step in and be her father without them knowing your true identity.”
“Look how that turned out.”