There’s nothing to be done about Felicity, assuming she’s the stalker, for the moment at least. And we still don’t know who the bubblerollie Instagram is. Even if that particular threat isn’t present anymore, I’m not so confident there won’t be others. I’ve got no way to stop them or defend her, not in a way that will actually be effective. It keeps me up at night, this inability to do anything but attract the sharks in the first place.
Now she’s going to open up, make herself more vulnerable, and I understand why she’s doing it. But it makes me want to shield her somehow, and since there’s no way to do that, I have to swallow down that instinct and let it ride. It’s getting harder to do.
I wonder sometimes if I shut Dad out because he was an easy target, one that I should’ve dealt with even before Jordan came into my life. But it doesn’t matter. I don’t have any regrets about it.
Jordan’s skating around the park, checking out the features, but not actually hitting any of them.
“Want to drop in with me?” I call out as I balance on the coping of the smaller bowl.
She skates over and balances next to me. Jordan doesn’t say anything but the intensity coming from her is fierce. She turns to look at me and when our eyes connect she drops in.
I’m right behind her as we carve figure-eights and pick up speed. When she catches air and exits the bowl after only a minute, she doesn’t slow down or take a break. Instead she heads straight to the bigger bowl. Jordan pauses at the ledge of the steep drop in, but only to glance over her shoulder and smile at me. “You coming in with me?”
“You want me to?”
She nods and then turns to face the vert. With one deep breath, she tilts her board forward and disappears from sight for an instant before coming back into view. Jordan’s tucked low, and as usual, I’m too mesmerized by her to think of anything else. It isn’t until she grinds the coping on the other side and skates back in my direction that I remember I’m supposed to be dropping in too.
We skate like this, side by side, moving from one feature to the next, until others start to show up.
I’m not surprised when Jordan picks up her board with the new arrivals, but when she looks at me and tells me she’s going up to the half pipe, I can’t stop my jaw from dropping.
Before I can respond, Jordan’s moving in that direction.
“Jordan, wait.” I snap out of my state of shock. She’s already to the stairs and I jog to catch up.
“I know I’m not ready, Beck.”
I should be encouraging her, but when it comes to this particular demon, the truth is she’s not ready. “Hotshot, your technical skills have improved so fast these past couple weeks it’s unreal.” She hasn’t slowed her pace up the stairs, and I struggle to find the right words before we reach the top. “But you still aren’t one hundred percent yourself on a skateboard yet.”
“It’s okay Beck, I know.”
“In some ways, you’re a better skateboarder than you were before the crash. And your style is like no one else’s. But there’s something missing, maybe confidence or a sense of ownership, I don’t know.”
Jordan stops at the last stair as I attempt to explain why the half pipe is a bad idea without crushing her spirit. She places a hand on my chest. “Beck, I’m not going to drop in. I just want to sit up here and take it in, okay?”
“Shit, my heart is beating out of my chest. I wish you’d said that when you charged over here.”
“Sorry, the idea popped into my head and I didn’t want to psych myself out. I think it will be good for me to just be up here.”
I follow her the last step and stand beside her as she looks down the giant vert and across to the other side of the structure. I’m still shaken from watching her first crash from the parking lot nearly a year ago, and the second one from some random person’s video back in December. Just being up here isn’t easy for me anymore, and I can’t imagine what it’s like for Jordan.
She turns around after a moment and walks to the other side of the platform, sitting down on the end and looking out at the ocean.
My legs follow, and I sit beside her, understanding why she needs this. She might not be dropping in, but this is still facing her demons. Telling them she’ll be back. Some day. And I know she will, even if the thought of it alone nearly gives me a heart attack.
“I know I tried to talk you out of it just now, Hotshot, but that doesn’t mean I think you’ll never be ready. You will be.”
“I’m not in a hurry for this one,” she says quietly. “It’s not the kind of thing I can test out first, dip my toe in, you know? I can’t afford another head injury.”
“A lot of people would be terrified just sitting here with their legs dangling over the edge, so I know it’s not fear holding you back. You’re being smart, and I admire that.”
She’s always been pretty fearless when it comes to skateboarding, maybe to a fault.
“No, there’s some fear,” she corrects me. “But it’s a healthy dose, in this case at least. I’m listening to it. The other stuff I’m afraid of? Needing you, getting attacked by strangers online? I’m not listening to those fears anymore.”
My hand moves to her thigh, face up, and she takes it. “If it helps, I’m scared of those things sometimes too. But you’re right, those kinds of fears don’t deserve our respect.”
She moves her gaze from the beach to me. “This one though,” I say, nodding in the direction of the vert. “It demands respect, yeah?”
“I get that now,” she whispers. Jordan leans her head on my shoulder. “You can still drop in though if you want. I’ll take the stairs down.”
I don’t want her to have to take the stairs down alone, just in case she lets a sense of defeat sneak in. “Nah, I’ll take the stairs with you.”
This time, we go down hand in hand. I might be scared about the contract being up tomorrow, about going public and knowing Jordan will take some hits as a result. But most of all, I’m happy I can finally do this, be real with her all the time, everywhere.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Jordan
We caravan down to Southskate in three vehicles. Beck’s in his van with Brie, Naomi and Summer. Taylor’s driving his car with Moses and Griff, and I’m with my roommates in Zora’s car.
I turn to Ellie in the backseat with me. “Hey, will this be weird? Sharing a rental house for a couple days with Taylor?”
She waves me off. “Nah, there are a lot of us and he’ll be busy competing.”
I know her well enough not to buy it.
“Ellie, what happened with you guys? It all seemed to be so good and then you’re telling me in a text that you broke up with him.” She doesn’t answer right away, gazing out the window. “I know it’s been a while now,” I continue, “but I guess I never really understood what happened, and since we still hang out with him a lot, I thought maybe I should?” I don’t want to pry, but Ellie’s usually super forthcoming, so I figure it can’t hurt to ask.
“We want to know too,” Zora pipes in, turning down the music as she does.