Beck holds me after, and while my body is warm and happy, a sadness I’ve never felt before weighs on me like a blanket.
“Are you crying?” Beck asks, pulling back to look at me. I hadn’t even noticed, but when I touch my cheeks, they’re wet.
“Yeah, I guess so.”
He pulls me tight again. “Hey, I made a decision last night. I’m not doing Shred Live, okay? I’m going to be here for you.”
I sit up so fast my head spins. “No, don’t do that, Beck.”
Beck sits up next to me, leaning back on his hands. “Why? I should have done it weeks ago.”
“Because of all the reasons we’ve already talked about. Getting out of that contract will be a legal nightmare for you, plus a PR nightmare. It will negatively impact Brazen, and me too.”
Beck takes my hands. “It won’t. It will be worse if I go forward with it. We both know that no matter what, it’s too late to keep you in the shadows. At least now I’ll be with you.”
“No, Beck. Don’t do it.”
We have a silent stare-down. He’s not going to accept what I want to say. I don’t want to fight about it, and I know he won’t like it. But I need to get it out, before he does something he shouldn’t.
“Beck, I’m not cut out for this. Any of it.”
“You are, of course you are, Jordan. It’s been a lot to handle, and it’s happened fast. But we’ve got the police involved with the stalker stuff. You can take a break from social media, as long as you want. You’re forced to take a break from skateboarding, so competitions will be on hold too. In a couple of months, you’ll be ready to get after it again.”
The weight of grief returns at the idea of never competing again, of only ever having that little taste of it. But with competition comes everything else, and I don’t want to ruin skateboarding more than I may have already. I can’t go on wondering when a panic attack will hit me again.
“I haven’t had anxiety, not the kind that really got to me, in years, Beck. It was something I thought I’d outgrown. Now it’s coming back, and it’s worse.” I pull my hands out of his and slide off the bed, repeating my earlier words. “I’m not cut out for this like you are. Like Griff, Taylor, or even Naomi or Summer. I’m different. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. But it’s not worth it to me.”
Beck’s right behind me as I reach for clean panties and slide them on. “So you don’t want to compete? You don’t want to rep Brazen?”
“I thought that maybe I wanted it. I gave it a try. But it’s not what I want. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize, Jordan. Not to me. But you also don’t have to make a decision today, or even tomorrow or next week. That crash was serious yesterday. Give yourself some time to think it through.”
I already knew exactly how Beck would respond to this when I was lying in bed this morning, and in the shower. I played the conversation out in my head, and Beck’s acting just like I knew he would. Compassionate. Sympathetic. Reasonable. Understanding. But not a pushover either. I know this man so well, and when I turn to face him, it takes all my strength to tell him the rest of my decision.
“I need a break from all of it, Beck. I don’t think I’m cut out to be part of your world, either.”
“You, what?” The crease between his brows, the confusion in his words, they cause my heart to twist a little.
“I can’t be with you, Beck. I love you. But I can’t do it. I’m not that girl.”
“That girl?”
I force myself to continue, even though it’s actually causing physical pain in my chest region.
“You need someone stronger than me. Fine, not stronger, I know you’ll argue with me on that, but someone who thrives in the spotlight. That’s not me. I’m better behind the scenes.” I swallow, knowing that’s not perfectly true. When I skated at a contest, all eyes on me, I loved every second of it. Even the awards and the fans in person weren’t so bad. But that’s not really what I’m talking about. I don’t think.
“Maybe not a drama type like Kelly, but someone between the two of us. Someone who can brush off online bullying. Someone who won’t have anxiety over all the unknowns and the unexpected attention. You were right. I’m too young. Maybe I need to grow up first.” Okay, I know I’m going overboard, but I can’t stop talking. All the words in my head and on my heart flow out. And I already know exactly what he’ll say.
“Jordan, the doctor said you might not be yourself. With a history of depression or anxiety, a head injury like yours will magnify all those symptoms. You’re in a funk, and that’s okay. But I can’t let you push me away like this. Not now.”
I close my eyes, wishing I didn’t have to be the one to bring Beck out of denial. But no one else can do it. “Beck, please don’t dismiss what I’m saying because of the concussion. Things happen for a reason. That fall, it gave me clarity. I know you think it’s doing the opposite to my head, but that crash could have been a hell of a lot worse. I shouldn’t have even gone up there, you were right about that too. I guess I thought I needed to prove something. To myself, or the world, I don’t know. All the crap happening, that’s what’s messing with my head. I need skateboarding. If that’s taken away from me, for any reason, I won’t be okay.”
The implication hangs between us. I need skateboarding more than I need him.
Beck’s voice cracks when he says, “The crash gave me clarity too. But it was an entirely different kind of revelation I had. I’d do anything for you. I’d give up my career. Do you know that?”
“I don’t want you to do that, Beck. You shouldn’t have to do that for someone you love. That’s not how it should work. The right girl will be able to handle your career, the things you are passionate about.” There’s a sharp pain in my chest as I talk about another girl in Beck’s life someday. But I’m also strangely a little detached from this entire conversation. I don’t think I’d be able to go through with it if I wasn’t able to partly shut down my emotions. I didn’t even know I had it in me to do that, but I’ve got no doubt later, tonight, tomorrow, who knows when, the tears will fall.
“So you’re breaking up with me?” Beck finally asks.
“It’s for the best. For both of us, Beck.”
“I don’t get it. Things are so good between us.” Beck shakes his head, unwilling to accept it. “When did you start thinking about this?”
“I didn’t really consider it until yesterday, I guess. But the last couple weeks, after all the social media stuff really blew up, I knew we couldn’t go on like we had, Beck. With months apart ahead of us anyway, it just doesn’t make sense.”
“I told you, I want to be with you. A minute ago I was planning to quit Shred Live. I can still do that.”
I really need him to let me go. I can’t do it. I don’t want to do it. It’s too much. I need to go back to my simple and steady and predictable world. A guy like Beckett Steele, he can take on anything he wants, anything he puts his mind to. It’s not like that for me, and maybe he can’t understand that.