When she woke up that morning, she had thought immediately of Josephine, the news of her dear friend’s devastating diagnosis and the fact that she would soon be moving away to the other side of the world smashing into her afresh. Those thoughts had followed her here to the pool, chasing her under the surface as she kicked and pulled her way up, and down, and back, and forth. And it was not just Josephine who was with her, but Bethan, too. Her sister had so loved to swim, had so often run fearlessly into the sea, leapt off the diving board from its highest tier.
The fact that the water had been the thing to take her had always felt immeasurably cruel, but Pepper knew it was madness to blame it. Now, when she swam, it was as much for her sister as herself.
Heaving herself up the rickety metal steps five minutes later and wrapping her towel around herself, Pepper stood shivering for a moment on the coarse wet tiles, the sounds of the pool echoing around her. She could see that the smaller children’s bathing area was being cleared for a private group, and as she reached the ladies’ changing room entrance beside it, she recognised some of the residents and staff members from The Maltings.
Thankfully, however, Samuel did not seem to be among them. She had no real desire to bump into him when she was red-eyed, wet-haired and wearing a swimming costume that had seen better decades.
‘Pepper, is that you?’
She froze, hardly daring to turn around.
Samuel had just emerged from the men’s changing room clad in nothing but blue shorts, a pair of goggles dangling from a rubber strap around his neck.
‘Are you all right?’ he asked as he approached.
‘Yeah.’ Pepper sniffed. ‘It’s just the chlorine in here – makes my eyes water.’
Samuel folded his arms across his bare chest.
‘You sure?’
What was it about people asking if you were OK that always made you want to cry?
Pepper stared down at her bare toes, willing herself not to crack.
‘I’m fine,’ she mumbled.
‘You can tell me if something’s troubling you,’ he said. ‘I know we don’t know each other all that well, but I’m a good listener.’
As he said it, he angled his head so that one of his ears ended up about an inch from her face.
‘You’re a weirdo,’ Pepper said loudly, right into it, laughing as he bobbed his head up and down like a nodding dog.
‘See – you feel better already, don’t you?’
‘Much,’ Pepper agreed. ‘But I still maintain that you’re a total weirdo.’
‘Takes one to know one.’
‘Touché.’
They grinned at each other.
‘Bethan would have really loved you,’ she said then, surprising herself. The only conversation she and Samuel had ever had about her sister was a brief one the first or second time they’d met. He didn’t know the full story of how she’d died, just that she had.
‘I wish I’d met her, in that case,’ he replied. ‘Do you think she might even have gone out with me?’
‘Probably.’ Pepper tried subtly to rearrange her towel, only for it to slip from her grasp and drop to the floor. Hastily scooping it up, her cheeks burning, she added, ‘I seem to remember that Bethan had three boyfriends when she died, and she hadn’t even turned eight yet. A serious maneater, that one.’
‘My sister’s the same,’ Samuel said regretfully. ‘Me and my two brothers are all useless – Esi puts us to shame.’
‘There are four of you?’
He nodded. ‘Yep. My poor mum, right? Imagine two more of me.’
‘I bet she’s very proud of you,’ Pepper said, wriggling down into her towel. Her skin was beginning to crinkle up like a crisp packet that had been baked in an oven.
‘Do you have any other brothers or sisters?’ he asked, and Pepper felt her face fall.
‘No. Just me. My parents didn’t stay together for very long after Bethan died. It was as if a part of us all went with her – my family was shattered into pieces, and I guess we’ve never fitted together again since. Not properly.’
‘That is sad.’ Samuel looked crestfallen. ‘And you said your sister was only seven when she died? Do you mind me asking how it happened – was she ill?’
Pepper took a very deep and steadying breath.
‘Yes and no,’ she said. ‘She was born with epilepsy but hadn’t shown any signs of it for years – no fits or anything. My parents never used to let her out of their sight, but as the years passed and there were no incidents, they – well, I say they, but I mean we, all of us – started to relax. Then, one evening, she was having a bath before she went to bed and––’
Pepper stopped abruptly as a lump caught in her throat. She could not bring herself to look at Samuel, but she could feel concern radiating off him.
‘I was downstairs,’ she went on. ‘Drawing or something. I had my Walkman on. My dad was at work, and someone came to the door, one of the neighbours. I didn’t hear them knocking, and so my mum came down to answer it and got chatting. But in the meantime . . .’
She trailed off with a shudder.
‘By the time my mum went back upstairs, Bethan had been under the water too long and–– There was nothing anyone could do.’
‘Jesus.’ Samuel sounded wretched. ‘That’s horrible. I’m so sorry.’
‘I often think what would have happened if I hadn’t been drawing,’ she whispered. ‘If I had answered the door instead of my mum. Would my sister still be alive if I had?’
‘Maybe,’ he allowed. ‘But maybe you simply would have called to your mum and she would have come downstairs anyway. You can’t allow yourself to think like that, you know – that’s a sure-fire way to drive yourself downhill.’
‘I know,’ Pepper said dully. ‘It hasn’t stopped my mother, though. I know she blames herself. Probably blames me, too,’ she added, knowing there was no ‘probably’ about it.
When she finally glanced up at Samuel, she saw that he was frowning, his head on one side.
‘You know,’ he said, ‘I’ve been around death a fair bit in my life, what with being an almost-famous surgeon and all.’ He gave her a flicker of a smile. ‘And I found that a lot of the time, beautiful things can happen in the wake of it. Death doesn’t have to be a full stop to life.’
‘It was for Bethan,’ Pepper said shortly, feeling suddenly defensive. ‘She doesn’t get to carry on with her story.’
‘Of course she does,’ Samuel said gently. ‘She’s here with us right now, isn’t she? Being part of our story.’
Tears pricked at Pepper’s eyes with such insistence that she had to screw up her face.
‘Listen, I shouldn’t have brought it up,’ she hastened. ‘Forget I said anything. I should go. I–– I’ll see you around.’
The look of pity in his eyes as she turned and fled haunted Pepper for the rest of the day.
Chapter 28
Finn arrived in Suffolk on a scorching day.
It felt to Pepper as if a dripping curtain of humidity had been pulled right across the east coast of England, and despite opening all the windows of her ancient Volvo en route to Stansted Airport, Pepper still felt clammy in her mended yellow dress and hoped the beads of nervous sweat she could feel would not show up on the flimsy fabric.