‘Oi!’ she cried, pulling him back up. ‘You promised me talking only.’
Finn frowned as he peered down at their naked, entwined bodies.
‘It is a bit late for that now.’
‘I feel bad.’ Pepper sighed.
‘Why? Because of Clara?’
She nodded.
‘There is nothing like that going on between us,’ he said, and she could tell he was having to work hard to keep the exasperation from creeping into his voice. ‘That is why it still feels a little bit unfair, you know? Like the right things happening to the wrong people.’
‘At the wrong time,’ she finished.
‘Maybe there is never a good time for a baby, because nobody is ever really ready to be a parent.’ Finn screwed up his features. ‘This is what everyone tells me – even Mama.’
‘I think what they mean to say is that there’s never a bad time,’ she chided, kissing his downturned mouth. ‘You are going to love this baby and be an incredible father.’
He stared at her for a moment, searching her eyes, checking that what she was telling him was true, and that there was no cause to worry.
‘If you say it, then I will believe it.’
‘I can’t tell you that it will be easy,’ she said. ‘There will be some very difficult days and lots of complicated feelings, but you will be OK. You are the most capable and confident man I have ever met, and I know you said in your speech earlier that I had taught you things, but the truth is, I have learnt so much more from you. You have shown me that it’s important to be brave, and to fight your own corner. That there is little point holding on to anything that makes you unhappy, when it is often such a small part of who you are, and what your life is all about.’
‘I see you,’ he said. ‘There is a sparkle there.’ He touched her cheek. ‘That was not there before – or maybe it was, but you kept it hidden, buried underneath all those layers of . . . what? Sadness? Guilt?’
‘Both.’ Pepper swallowed so as not to cry, and Finn pulled her closer. ‘But you’re right – I have changed for the better. I think that falling in love with you has made me stronger, made me see myself in the way you see me. I feel like a lot of my confusion about the past has settled, and I can move forwards and help my mum to do the same.’
She sighed, her head buried against the soft downy hair on his chest. There was a part of Pepper that wanted to stay right where she was, here with a man who loved her, who would support her, who meant so much to her. But then, there was the other side of the pebble, the one that didn’t catch the sunlight and shine like a dropped penny on the shoreline. The half of Pepper’s life that ran a business she loved, had a great network of people around her who had shown that they were friends in the truest sense, and a mother who was only now beginning to come back to her.
She could not have both.
‘Don’t cry.’ Finn wiped away her tears with his thumb.
‘I can’t help it.’ Pepper sniffed, taking a long shuddering breath before raising her eyes to his.
Finn searched her eyes, looking for a way to soothe, and then he saw it. The truth.
‘You came here to tell me it is over.’
It wasn’t a question.
‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘I didn’t know what I was going to do until I got here. I saw you in the centre of your world tonight, so loved and so happy. I watched you, and I could see that you were in the right place, where you are meant to be. You belong in this world, with these people and with your child.’
She smiled, hoping that he would follow her lead, but Finn’s expression had darkened.
‘You say that you love me,’ he said, his voice low, ‘but you refuse to try. Don’t you believe that we are worth fighting for? Look at the way we met, how we were put together – that must mean something to you?’
‘It does!’ Pepper shuffled up on her elbows. ‘Of course it does. Loving you is the best feeling I have ever had, next to painting. This summer has been the best of my life. Finn, before this summer, I had never even been abroad; I was existing, not really living, but now I feel the opposite way – I feel as if I could do anything. Such a big part of that is because of you, but it’s so fragile. If I left now and moved here, it would all fall apart – I would fall apart.’
Finn did not look angry now so much as defeated, and Pepper shut her eyes against the anguish she felt.
‘This is not my world, Finn. I don’t belong here. Things with my mother, they’re finally starting to hurt less, and I think we have a real chance of rebuilding our relationship – our whole family do. I want to be there; I don’t want to run away. I’m not being selfless by saying that, it’s what I want.’
‘Why can’t you have both?’ he asked. ‘Be here, but sometimes be there? You will not even try?’
‘You deserve better than someone who would need to try,’ she said. ‘You deserve someone who knows for sure, straight away. Just like you did with me, that day on the steps in Lisbon. You always knew better than me, believed with more determination than me, gave away more of your heart than me.’
‘I can believe enough for both of us,’ he said desperately. ‘If you would only let me.’
‘I know you would, and you’re so incredible to even offer. You know, I used to feel like a fool for being such a fan of love, but meeting you and loving you,’ she said determinedly, ‘has taught me a lesson about love that I could never have learnt from a film or a book.’
She gave herself a moment’s composure, thinking of Josephine and Jorge, of the love that had been captured so beautifully in the photo that now hung, pride of place, on her bedroom wall.
Their love story had never dimmed; it had carried on throughout her friend’s entire life, had comforted her, and led her to adventure. It didn’t matter that their lives went in different directions, what mattered was the moments they had shared. The love remained because Josephine had not forgotten it, just as Pepper would not forget Finn.
‘I didn’t know it was possible for one person to experience so much love. I thought that there wasn’t much of any in my life, but there is so much. I think I had to fall in love with you to realise it. And I want you to know that I will always, always, always love you, Finn.’
Pepper smiled at him through her tears and took his face in her hands.
They kissed for all they had shared, and for every future moment they would spend apart; they kissed for custard tarts and wet shoes slapping across rain-soaked cobbles; they kissed for his thigh against hers on the seat of a bus, an airport embrace that earned them a cheer; they kissed for eggs in cups and errant bats, for paddling in the sea and drinking beer in the sunshine. They kissed for all the pieces of their love story.
But most of all, they kissed each other goodbye.
Chapter 53
Pepper found Josephine in the same place she had found her back in the spring, sitting with an easel on Aldeburgh’s wide stony beach.
This time, however, there was no painting coming to life on her canvas – it was as blank as the sky above the water, her brushes as dry as the driftwood that was scattered like leaves amongst the pebbles. Despite the warmth of the afternoon, Josephine had wrapped herself up in a pale blue pashmina that matched her eyes.