“I met your mom years ago. She was a sweet woman, very caring, from what I remember.”
“Yes. She was a soft place anyone could land.” I let out a slow breath. The feelings of loss are still right at the surface for me.
“I’m sure you miss her more than you can say.”
“I do. I wish Mom and Dad could be here to see Ferris Wheel Coffee. They would be so proud.” I sigh and feel that tight place in my chest. “It might sound weird, but I feel like I live around an empty hole that reminds me they aren’t here and never will be.”
“I read something by Bonhoeffer on grief a number of years ago, and it stuck with me. He said something about not trying to fill the hole left when someone goes – we can’t fill it if we try. The size of the whole just shows how big a place they had in our life and heart”
“That definitely fits. It’s true. Thanks, Betty.”
“Well, I’m glad I remind you of your mom.”
“You do. You’re never in a hurry. You listen to people – really listen. I watch you. You’re not intrusive, but somehow you make your way into people’s hearts and lives. I also noticed how quickly you pick up on people’s names. That kind of touch matters. I am blessed to have you here.”
“You just made my day.”
Betty heads over a table where two college girls have all their books, notebooks, and laptops spread out around themselves. I watch as she obviously asks all the right questions. They look like they’ve known her forever. I would have never imagined picking someone like Betty to work here, but I’m sure glad I did. After she finishes chatting with the young women, she helps me clean up and when everyone leaves, she heads out.
I stand here alone looking around. This place is real. I did it. Still, it feels a bit like a letdown not being able to tell Katrina as I had planned. Of all the surreal experiences, she came here. I had so many thoughts of how I would let her know about the risks I took based on her inspiration. When she finally shows up, I find out she’s dating another guy.
It’s not like I had a claim on her. I don’t think I could have told her how much she was coming to mean to me without freaking her out. The feelings I have for her surprise me. I’m sure they would have sent her running if I shared them. But none of that matters. There’s nothing to do but let her go now that I know she’s with Michael.
After locking up the shop, I get in my car and drive up to my rental as the sun is going down. I check the mail and listen to my messages. I’m not even hungry right now. The house feels empty. I think I’m getting old for the bachelor life. I thought it was just L.A., but now that I’m home I realize it’s more. I don’t want just any woman to come home to. I’m realizing I would have eventually wanted to share my life with Katrina, and now she’s taken.
I feel a bit like my world is crumbling apart. Caleb lives over in Yellowstone, Mom’s gone, and now Katrina’s out of my life. The grief of all these losses is creeping up inside me like a poisonous vine, choking out my ability to experience happiness.
* * *
I’m sitting at one of the corner tables taking a break during the late afternoon lull. My mind seems to wander back to one subject whenever I am not busy. I lean back in my chair and blow out a frustrated breath. Caleb said he should be off the last fire he was fighting either today or tomorrow. I’m taking a chance at reaching him.
“Caleb! You have no idea how glad I am you answered.”
“Jack, are you alright? We actually just rolled into the station a few hours ago. Everyone is cleaning up right now.”
I look up at the tiled ceiling, trying to sort my thoughts. “Yeah. I’m alright. No. I don’t know. Katrina came into the shop a few days ago.”
Caleb shouts, “You’ve got to be kidding me! That’s crazy! And awesome!”
“Yeah, but she was with a guy. Well, the guy was in the car. She hugged me and gave me her numbers and then ran out to this guy, Michael.”
“What the what? That’s not what I expected to hear you say.” He sighs. So I’m not crazy. He sees it too.
“Yeah. She’s up here for her photography business. But this relationship with Michael must have developed in the past month. That’s awfully quick to be bringing a guy on an extended trip with her to Montana.” I feel my blood boil as I say it, even though in my right mind I have no claim on Katrina.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I know. I just want you to help me get out of my head with this. I can’t make sense of it. And the worst part is I feel like she’s mine and Michael is an unbidden intruder. I’m confused. And jealous.” I clench my fist and release it. How did I let this woman root herself so deeply in my heart?
“That’s a toxic combo, bro. So you want my expert opinion, even though I can’t seem to approach the woman I love?” He laughs.
“Right. I really know how to pick my advisors, huh?” We both chuckle at that. “Honestly, Caleb, I just wanted to have you in this with me. You don’t have to solve it. I doubt there’s even a solution. I just needed to share my thoughts so I wouldn’t be so stirred up in my own head.” I realize telling him did lift a weight somehow.
“You know I’m here for you. I only wish I could be there. We could take a run, grab some pizza, hang out. I’ll be there when fires let up in the fall, and if we get a day free, I’ll come out. Okay?”
“That sounds just right.”
“Give this time. There are plenty of good women in Bozeman. Of course, I’ve got dibs on the best one. But, if Katrina’s not the one for you, you’ll meet someone in due time.”
“Maybe. Well, I’m going to go back to work. Thanks, Caleb. Be safe. Love you, bro.”
“Love you, Jack.”
I hang up with Caleb and pull out the piece of paper with Katrina’s number. I stare at it and wonder if I ought to just call her anyway. No. If she’s with another man, that’s the end of the line. I have to let go of Katrina Bradshaw no matter how quickly and deeply she has rooted herself in my heart.
As if my musing about her conjured her up, Katrina walks in with a dark-haired guy sporting a beard and trendy black-rimmed glasses. He looks about five years younger than her. He’s wearing a pair of skinny jeans, a T-shirt, and a plaid flannel shirt over it. His look is very L.A. hipster. This is obviously Michael. They order drinks and sit at one of the side tables that looks out the windows at Main Street.
She doesn’t see me, so I hang back. I watch as Katrina and this guy talk. They have an ease between them, almost like a brother and sister. They never touch. As a matter of fact, beyond the friendly comfort they share in one another’s presence, I don’t see any sparks between them.
Maybe I had this all wrong. I should have called her. It’s been three days since she first came into Ferris Wheel Coffee. I could have been spending time with her. Would she have given me her contact info if she were seriously involved with this guy, Michael? Right at that moment she laughs. That laugh. I remember when we spent the day together in Santa Monica. I was so fresh with grief over my mom. Her laugh seemed to split the clouds and let in perfect rays of sunlight for the first time since mom passed.