“It’s so hard living this life without you, JD. I don’t even know who the hell I am anymore. I thought I was doing this all for you, but the deeper I get into it, the more scared I become. I don’t want to die, but I also don’t want to live if you’re not next to me. Sometimes revenge feels like the best thing in the world, other days it feels like I’m making nothing but mistakes. Jimmy hates me, my dad isn’t getting any better, and today he even called someone else your name. You have no idea how hard that is for me. Hearing your name only makes me want to be with you more. Though, I don’t think it would be any easier on that side of things. Would we even find each other on the other side? Would you recognize me? I’ve done so much bad shit lately that I fear we wouldn’t even end up in the same place.”
The tears flew from my eyes, soaking into the dusty ground beneath the tree. I looked out at the water, watching the slow waves as the light breeze pushed them ashore. The moon wasn’t full, but the reflection in the water sparkled like diamonds.
“I met someone that reminds me of you. He’s nothing like you of course—nobody could be you, JD, but this guy has a protective aura around him that I find really attractive. I haven’t been this attracted to someone in a very long time. I want him, Midas. I want him bad. Every time I think about him my stomach gets filled with giddy butterflies, just like it did when I was near you. I don’t know what’s happening to me? When I’m around him it’s like I’m around you and I feel at peace again. Am I betraying you for feeling this way? Is it wrong for me to want to move on but still hold you close at the same time? I don’t want to let you go, Midas. Maybe I’m still drunk on our love, because loving you has been the biggest hangover I’ve ever had. I can’t get over it, and I don’t think I ever want to. If you want me to move on you need to show me a sign, JD. Give me something that shows you’re okay with me chasing these strange feelings I’m having for another man. You know what I’m doing with Diego means nothing to me. I’ll bleed him dry and then dance in his blood like I’m jumping through puddles in the middle of a rainstorm. I’ll waltz in his blood for you, Midas. That’s how I’m going to avenge your death—dance in the entrails of our enemy. I owe you at least that for everything you did for me. This other guy is different, though. His name is Specter and even though I don’t know him well, I want to know him more, and that scares me. I feel like he’s good, and good is something I’ve been missing in my life since you died. Why did you have to die, JD? Why?” My voice turned to a wail, and it traveled up the mountain side. It was extremely loud, and the echo was a little eerie when it ricocheted back at me.
I suddenly felt very, very vulnerable.
I swear I heard a branch snap nearby, and when I whipped my head around to look in the sound's direction, I swear I saw a shadow step behind a tree in the distance. My heart sped up a little. There were a lot of wild animals in these woods, and right now I was a sitting duck out here all alone. Anything or anyone could creep up on me and I wouldn’t even know they were there until it was too late. A cold chill swept down the mountain side and over my skin, and an overwhelming feeling like I wasn’t alone anymore made me feel uneasy.
“I should probably go, JD, before I get murdered by some backwoods maniac. Just know that I love you and don’t forget what I said . . . I need a sign; I need to know you’re okay with all of this.”
I stood up and wiped the dirt off my back. The bark of the tree bit into the flimsy fabric of my shirt and held on, as if it was begging me to stay. Before I left, I placed my palm against our initials on the apple tree and held it there for a few seconds with my eyes closed, remembering everything I could about Midas’ smile and all the wonderful things we used to do together. It was almost like I could feel his big, cuddly arms wrapping around me, telling me everything was going to be okay.
When I opened my eyes, there was my sign.
A tiny firefly was sitting on the back of my hand, its blinking light flickered off and on as if it were speaking to me in Morse code. I was in awe of it because the only time I ever saw fireflies was when I was with JD. When the firefly took off, I followed it with my eyes, stunned by what I saw next. The entire lake was lit up like a Christmas tree. Thousands of fireflies danced across the water, playing with the moon’s reflections like fairy lights in a garden. Mysteriously appearing out of nowhere.
Midas is here and he heard me!
This was the sign I asked for! JD wanted me to keep going on without him.
Deep down, I knew that I needed to move on, and I planned to eventually, but right now I had way too much on my plate, and adding a relationship to the never-ending buffet of stress and problems I carried around with me didn’t seem like a good idea. Once I got rid of Diego, I would finally open my heart to someone else. Until then, I’d leave only enough room for JD to stay in and a few thousand wild fireflies to come and go as they pleased.
Chapter Eighteen
Specter
When Scythe put me on Faith detail, I never thought it would go into effect so soon. Within a few hours of getting back to the compound, Scythe came running outside and told me to trail his sister. He was frantic, and I could see the worry creasing through his brow. Something happened, and due to Switchblade hovering overhead, he wouldn’t give me any information other than to follow her and watch her.
“What the fuck, Scythe? Why the hell are you sending him out when I have him doing shit around the boneyard? He hasn’t even been in the club for two months and you’re already having him trail people. What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Nothing, Switchblade. Calm the fuck down. I trust him to get this done. Besides, he needs to prove himself.”
Switchblade sneered. “This fuck up won’t prove anything to me other than not belonging.” He turned to Scythe. “Why don’t you send Obi or one of the more seasoned prospects like Jagger or what’s his face, Rex, the guy who can’t hear out of his left ear. Hell, send fucking Goonie to do it. He ain’t part of the club, but he’d do a hell of a lot better than this jackass.”
“Obi, is too busy trying to woo that chick that works at the video store. Jagger and Rex aren’t even patched in yet, I don’t trust them for shit, and Goonie got off an hour ago.”
“But you trust this piece of shit? Why didn’t you ask me? I’m the one who told you what she was up to in the first place.”
“Because if my sister found you following her, she’d call the cops on you for stalking.”
Switchblade threw up his hands. “Your sister needs to grow the hell up. I’m the best guy for her in this club. She needs to be someone’s Old Lady and I’ve paid my dues.”
I glared at Switchblade. “Too bad you’re not the only one around anymore.”
“Fuck you, I’m the only one around that matters.”
“Switchblade, shut the hell up. I put Specter on Faith’s detail; you’re just going to have to live with it.”
Switchblade turned toward Scythe, eyes narrowed, body language reading he was ready to punch. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why is this asshole so special? I’ve never seen you treat a prospect like this before. Is he sucking your cock or something? Is that what you two were doing in your office earlier. That’s the only explanation I have for you acting like a complete fucking idiot.”