Maybe I should let them believe that it was all about supporting Seb and Alik. It would throw them off the real story. Not that there’s much of a real story. It’s not as though I’m actually considering taking Jai up on his suggestion.
I wasn’t considering it. Not really. Maybe about five percent of me was genuinely considering it, but the rest of me was adamantly opposed. And yet, here I am, creeping through the dark hallways of the residential suites in the dead of night.
I stop outside Jai’s door, hesitating for a moment before pushing it open. His suite is of course much smaller than any of the royal ones, but it’s still rather generous. The door opens into a sitting room, which I see Jai has converted into a study, and beyond that is a large bedroom and ensuite bathroom.
I hesitate once again before padding across the carpeted floors to the bedroom. Jai is asleep with the blankets bunched around his waist to reveal a tan, toned chest and arms, the sight of which have my mouth going dry.
Why have I come here? Why have I come here? The thought is a loop in my head, the question causing a knot of anxiety to form in my gut. I’m about to turn and leave when Jai shifts, obviously sensing my presence.
“You actually came,” he murmurs sleepily. “I figured when you didn’t show up last night. But wow…”
“I’m not sure why I’m here,” I admit.
“Okay.” He repositions himself so he’s sitting up against the headboard.
We stare at each other awkwardly for a few moments and then I decide to drag a chair over from the corner of the room and sit next to the bed. “I need to apologize for how I’ve behaved since…” I wave my hand in the air, searching for the word. “The interlude.”
He arches a brow. “You mean when you sucked my cock?”
“Yes…that.” Christ, even just hearing the word ‘cock’ on those lips has my trousers growing tight. I force the erection away before continuing, “You have to understand, that is not something I do. It’s not how I behave.”
He eyes me curiously, his tone hesitant as he suggests, “You seemed to like it…”
“That’s not the point. It’s something that shouldn’t have happened. And it can’t happen again. Nothing can happen between us.”
He nods, his disappointment clear. “You’re a king and I’m a lowly tutor. I get it.”
I shake my head. “No. I’m a king and you’re a man.”
He stares at me for a moment before letting out a sigh. “And homophobia strikes again.”
“That’s the situation. It’s how things need to be,” I say firmly.
His eyes widen in shock. “Jesus. You’re gay, aren’t you? I thought you were just experimenting, but you’re actually gay?”
“Please, if you could say it louder that would be wonderful,” I grit out.
“Did Queen Lesia know?”
“Yes.”
“So she was your beard?”
I narrow my eyes at him. “She was my best friend and the mother of my children. Show some respect.”
His expression immediately becomes contrite. “I’m sorry. That was insensitive. I’m just…confused. I don’t see why you’ve had to hide this? Prince Aleksandr’s gay and no one seems to mind.”
“Aleksandr isn’t king,” I point out. “And he conveniently waited until well after our father was dead to come out.”
Jai nods slowly, dawning realization evident on his handsome face. “I see. I’ve read about your father, you know. It must have been very difficult growing up gay with that kind of…influence.”
The thought of my father has a cold shiver running down my back, as though I’ve been doused in ice water. What in hell am I doing here? Sneaking into a man’s bedroom in the dead of night? A palace employee’s at that.
I didn’t come here to apologize or explain myself. That could have been easily done in the light of day. I came because I was too weak to stay away.
With new resolve, I stand and give a firm shake of my head. “I shouldn’t be here. It was wrong of me to come.”
“Because I kind of technically work for you? Or because I’m a man?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Whoa, whoa, yes it does.” He’s out of bed and prowling toward me in an instant, his long, lean body clad in nothing but a pair of tight black boxer briefs and the sight is just too much. I avert my gaze as best I can, but even from the corner of my eye I can see his arms crossed over his chest and his jaw set tight. “If you think it’s inappropriate to be here because I teach your kids, that’s fine. But if this is because of your weird homophobia…”
“I’m not homophobic,” I state defiantly.
“You’re afraid of being gay. What else would you call it?”
“I’m not afraid…”
“You just think it’s wrong.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose, my jaw tight with frustration. “You’re putting words in my mouth. It’s not a simple as you think.”
“But it is simple.” He reaches out and clasps my hand, his thumb running back and forth over my skin in a gentle rhythm. “It’s not wrong to want someone. It’s not wrong to feel.”
I shake my head. “I’m the king. I need to be stronger than that.”
He lets out a heavy sigh. “Strength doesn’t come from denying yourself something that would make you happy.” He lifts a hand to my face, rubbing his thumb across my cheek. “Forget about your father. Forget about me. Forget about the crown. There’s only one thing you should be considering here. What do you want?”
I shake my head sharply, prompting his hand to fall away. “This is what you don’t understand. What I want doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does,” Jai says, his voice a mere whisper. “Lukas, your father is dead. He’s not here to judge you or control you or punish you. You’re king now. And that doesn’t have to be a burden—not unless you let it be.”
I slump onto the edge of the bed, my head weighted down with a million scrambled thoughts. I barely even notice Jai approaching me, not until he kneels in front of me and takes my hands in his.
“Okay, I’m just going to put this out there,” he says. “I like you. Like really, really like you. I know I shouldn’t because you’re a grumpy asshole who likes to pretend I don’t exist. But I see how sweet you are with the kids, and how much you care about your brother, and, yes, I’ve noticed the way you relax when you’re working on a car…and I just can’t help it. I get all the feels. And you’re also ridiculously sexy and give incredibly amazing blowjobs so there’s that.
“But here’s the thing. I’m not going to push you into anything you’re not comfortable with. Even though I know you want me just as much as I want you. Even though I know you haven’t been able to stop thinking about me since I first got here. I’m not going to push it. I’m not going to keep chasing you. I want you to want to want me. Make sense?”
I blink at him a few times. “I…suppose?”
He gets off his knees and sits beside me on the bed. “I think we could be friends.”