Staring at him as he open-mouth chewed, I wondered sometimes how we were born of and raised by the same parents. I’d always heard that younger siblings had it easier. I guess my parents were too old and tired to enforce the same discipline and manners on Ricky as they had me.
“Lit?” my mom mouthed silently to me.
“I think he means cool, awesome, you know…” I replied with a shrug.
“It’s got a hot tub, too.” Ricky winked at Mia, and she blushed.
“That’s nice,” Mom said, while I scrunched up my nose. She didn’t catch the exchange between her son and his girlfriend, and I wished I hadn’t either. The last thing I wanted to think about was what Ricky and Mia would get up to in a hot tub—especially a hot tub I planned to use myself. “Any news on a job, Conley?” Mom moved onto a subject I wanted to think about even less.
“No…but it’s fine. I’m sure I’ll find something soon.”
Think positive thoughts and positive things would happen. That’s what I kept telling myself, at least. Luckily, I had some money put back. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to cover a few months of rent and bills. The thought was another harsh slap in the face by reality. I’d not simply let my dreams slip from my fingers, but my financial independence, too. When Bobby’s band had hit it big, he’d insisted on taking care of everything for me, and I’d all too easily agreed to let him.
“I’m sure you will too. If not, you could always help at the church. Your father would love having you there.”
I gave her a tight smile. I loved my father. I loved God. But working for the church was not what I wanted to do. Staying with Bobby and putting up with his selfish acts for as long as I did was enough selfless servitude for the time being.
“What kind of job are you looking for?” Mia asked.
“Anything really. Just something temporary until I figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life.” I retrieved more items from the box labeled ‘kitchen.’
“You mean you don’t already know?”
I turned to face her, pulling my brows together. I wasn’t very fond of Mia to begin with. Unfortunately, she fit the head-cheerleader stereotype. There was no doubt in my mind she’d drop my brother quicker than you could blink if he ever lost his starting quarterback position. Between knowing that, and the amount of underlying judgement in her question, she was quickly positioning herself on the dislike side of the line.
Her blush this time was a shade darker as she stuttered out, “I’m sorry. I just meant… I mean you’re older, right?”
Ricky laughed obnoxiously as he shoveled more pizza in his mouth, shaking his head.
“I’m not that old,” I defended, turning my glare from Mia to Ricky and ignoring the twisting of my stomach that said Mia might be right.
I mean, yes, I was approaching thirty-five…but it’s not like I was near retirement age or anything. I had plenty of time to figure things out. I wasn’t completely without direction. I had dreams once. Ones that faded into the shadows of Bobby’s music career, as my mother had so kindly reminded me earlier.
This was the first time in years I could think about what I wanted without Bobby having an opinion or instantly shutting it down because our lives were busy enough. In the beginning, I understood his objections. We traveled a lot for gigs all over the country, and he wanted me by his side. When I was younger, I didn’t consider much beyond the here and now. I just lived. I went with the flow and had fun. Then it stopped being so fun.
The small local shows turned into massive sold-out concerts. The larger the venues got, the more my focus turned solely to Bobby and the band. I invested most of my time supporting his dreams. I didn’t have time to think about whether I was happy, much less what would make me happy.
“We should let your sister get settled in her new place in peace. Hmm?” Mom interjected as she stood from her seat at the table, saving the day.
Whether she was doing it for me, or my brother and his judgmental girlfriend, wasn’t clear. But by the way she glanced between the firm grip I had on a set of sharp steak knives and the two teenagers sitting there unexpectedly, it was most likely the latter.
“But I’m not done eating,” Ricky complained, stuffing his last slice of pizza in his mouth as she snatched up his paper plate.
“Take it to go, then,” Mom ordered. Her tone was one we both knew all too well. It was one you didn’t argue with. As he stood from the table, she handed him one of the half-eaten boxes of pizza and kissed his cheek. Once they were gone, she turned to me, searching my face for any sign of...hostility, maybe?
“I wasn’t going to stab them.” I opened a drawer and put away the knives.
“I didn’t say you were.”
“You thought it.”
Her eyes softened as she cupped my cheeks, leaned in, and kissed my forehead. “Call me if you need anything.” She patted my left cheek lightly as she stepped back, then turned and gathered her purse from the counter.
“Don’t think I didn’t notice you didn’t deny that you thought it,” I called to her retreating back.
“Bye, honey. Love you!” She threw a wave over her shoulder without another glance my direction before disappearing around the corner.
I waited for the click of the front door, then slouched against the granite counter, gripping the cool edge. With a deep sigh, I gave myself a minute to let the reality of my new life set in. There was no more life on the road.
No more fancy dresses and red carpets.
No more hanging with the band.
No more Bobby.
No job.
Only me.
As depressing as it sounded, it was what I wanted. Simple. Uncomplicated. I was sure things would be better as soon as I found a job. The only direction I could go from here was up.
I sighed and huffed, then turned to my side, the mattress squeaking beneath me. I lifted to an elbow, fluffed out my pillow, then rolled to my back once again.
Why is it so hot?
I kicked out a single foot from under the covers. The satisfaction of cool air hitting my bare skin only lasted a few seconds. The frustration continued to build when nothing seemed to help me settle and fall asleep. I’d been exhausted from all the moving when I crawled into bed earlier. I was sure I’d pass out as soon as my head hit the pillow.
I sighed, tossing and turning a few more times. My phone pinged on the nightstand beside me, flooding the dark room with a dim blue light. I snatched it up, immediately wishing I hadn’t.
Bobby: I miss you.
My chest felt tight and heavy as my thumbs hovered over the screen, itching to respond. I wondered if tonight would be the night when I’d finally break and tell him I missed him too. Because I did. No matter how much or how many times he’d hurt me, I did. I missed him. And I hated it. It was a moment of weakness.
I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath through my nose for strength, reminding myself why I left him behind. Why a man like him was as toxic as they came. And as the next slew of texts came in, I was glad I hadn’t responded, that I hadn’t fallen back into our unhealthy pattern.
Bobby: Come on, Con. Talk to me. Don’t be this way. I need you here.
Bobby: You made your point. Okay? Come home.