“This is how my mom got stuck with me,” I said finally. “She was crazy about some guy. He pursued her. They hooked up. He dumped her. And she got a life sentence of single motherhood for one mistake. She also got her heart broken and has hated men ever since and been completely bitter. I’ve tried so hard not to let that happen to me. I’ve tried to be analytical, practical, just stick with my vibrator and not catch feelings or even spend enough time with a guy to really get to like him. Until this. Until Tyler. The chemistry was off the charts, but that’s not even the problem.”
“Oh God. You’re not using birth control,” Maggie said.
“Yes I am! That’s not the point. I liked him so much and the more he opened up, the more I felt for him. And sleeping with him made everything worse. Part of me hoped he’d be really selfish in bed or something. But no. He was fucking magnificent. There should be a statue of him in the park.”
“Uh, they don’t build statues for that. It would be really awkward. Especially in the park where a bunch of kids go to play,” Maggie said. “Imagine what the plaque would say: In Honor of Tyler Leeds, ex-Marine and skilled lover who brought many orgasms to lucky women.”
“Yeah. Women. Plural. He’s got his groove back, that’s for sure,” I said ruefully. “After struggling to allow himself any pleasure for over a year, he went for it. Nothing will ever compare with him. No one ever could. So this is it. This is my bitter, can’t get a man to stay ending. I just left him before he could leave me. But I know he would. I know he would.”
“No you don’t.”
“Yes, yes I do. You have no idea. Growing up with my mom that was like, you know some kids say their prayers at night after they brush their teeth? My mom would make me promise not to let some man screw up my life the way she did.”
“Yeah, April’s sweet,” Maggie said ruefully. “Total mom of the year. Way to tell your kid that they screwed up your life. Here’s the thing, and I’m saying this not as your friend. I’m saying it as a mom. She fucked up her own life with her own choices. It was no one else’s fault. If anyone ever tried to tell a child of mine that it was their fault I was unhappy or struggling, I would fucking stab them. You don’t blame a baby for your own shortcomings. Your mom—sucks.”
“She did her best,” I said, trying to be loyal.
“Her best was bullshit. I know that’s stepping on your toes and you love her, but she’s a sucky mom. You deserved better.”
I shrugged. I knew deep down that she was right. My own damaged sense of self was what had driven me to psychology in the first place. I got to learn how to face my own demons while helping others face theirs. They never told you it would be so much harder to look inward.
“I could lose my license for what I did with Tyler. I knew it was wrong and I did it anyway because I wanted to. What does that say about me? As a counselor? As an adult?” I asked, sniffing.
“It says you’re human, babe. You want things, even when it’s not convenient or appropriate. And sometimes what you want gets you into trouble. I didn’t exactly go about things the conventional way either, but I’m happy. I have the life I want, which is nothing like what I thought I’d have, but I have this man who loves me and did crazy, insane things like buy a whole vineyard to win me over. So even if I could turn back time and not have to confess to my mother and basically everyone that I slept with the enemy, I wouldn’t. Because I love where I am. Because he was worth the trouble and so am I. So are you. I’m not saying this because he’s my husband’s brother, either. I’m saying it because even Jeremiah noticed the change in him since he’s been seeing you. You’re good for him. But that’s not why you should be with him. You should be with him because he lights you up, and he’s what you want,” Maggie said.
I shook my head, “I can’t afford to get in any deeper, Mags,” I said. “I can’t’ lose my job along with my heart. Tell Sarah Jo I had to leave.”
And like a coward, I ran out.
17
Tyler
After I picked up the bed and threw the sheets in the trash, I took a shower and went to work. It was strange and horrible, because I felt so good physically, so much clearer in my mind, so energetic after having four straight hours of sleep, more than I’d slept at once in over a year. But mentally I was a wreck, so I just heaved boards and sacks and helped the crew with some roofing. Anything to keep moving, to stop myself from thinking. I’d be working, so focused on what I was doing, and a surge of anger would rip through me, remembering the way it felt to wake up to that fucking note.
Around seven that night, Jeremiah came by and asked when I was going to quit for the day.
“I got a late start,” I said, stacking up wood for the next day’s job.
“You’re usually working when the sun comes up,” he observed.
“I went for a run with Layla this morning.”
“Long run?” he said archly.
“You could say that.”
“Something wrong?” he asked, catching my mood.
“Yeah. Everything was—good,” I said, “but when I woke up she was gone.”
“Panicked and pulled a runaway?” he said knowingly. I nodded.
“I go between being completely pissed at her and not knowing what to do. So for the only time in my life I’m going to ask you for advice. What do I do?”
“Hold on. Let me enjoy this moment. You want my advice, which means you’re admitting that I know more than you. I have success and wisdom that you lack, and you need my guidance.”
“Oh shut up,” I growled.
“Do you want my advice or not?”
“Yes,” I said, gritting my teeth.
“Hang on, I need to make a phone call.”
“Who are you calling? Maggie?”
“Mom,” he said with a laugh and put her on speaker.
“Hello?” her voice came.
“Hey, Mom, I have you on speaker. I’m here with Tyler at the vineyard, and he wants to tell you something.”
“I’m fine thanks for asking,” she said, typically salty. “What’s the story, Tyler?”
I didn’t say anything. I just glared at my overgrown adolescent brother.
“Come on,” he prompted, “tell her.”
I shook my head, ready to pummel him.
“Fine, he isn’t going to tell you so I will. My twin brother, the alpha male I started working out to imitate in high school, the headstrong, independent, badass Marine, just asked me for advice about a woman. He even said please!” Jeremiah crowed.
“I did not say please,” I snapped. Jeremiah and my mom both laughed.
“Got you to admit it though, didn’t I?” Jeremiah teased.
“Ma, can I punch him? He’s gloating,” I said.
“Boys, you know what I taught you about punching,” she said in a singsong voice.
We recited obediently, “No hits to the face the week before school pictures.”
“That’s right,” she said, “body blows only.” We all laughed.