“I’m home, but no, I just need you to be with me while I do this.”
“Do what?”
“I’m taking a pregnancy test,” I said. “Please don’t tell anybody.”
“I won’t. Not until you say I can. I hate that you’re there alone. That’s scary. It was even scary for me and I was married to the love of my life.”
“Yeah. Hang on. I’m gonna go pee.”
I opened the box and read the directions as closely as if I was trying to learn to defuse a bomb, even though it was pretty straightforward. Uncap stick. Pee on stick. Watch stick. After I took the test and washed my hands, I put her on speaker.
“You still there?” I said.
“Yeah. I’m still here. I’m sitting in my car, filing my nails. It’s like a trip to the spa for me. Silence and self-care.”
“Thank you for doing this. And for not slut shaming me.”
“Why would I do that? I’m not April, Layla.”
“I know. I wanted to call her, but you know I couldn’t about this.”
“God no. I’d have wrestled the phone away from you if you tried. The last thing you need in a tough time is her voice in your ear.”
“She gave up a lot to have me and keep me,” I said faintly.
“And she’s never let you forget it. As your friend, I respect the love you have for your mother and your ability to accept her despite her flaws. As a mom I want to beat her ass and then make you some soup,” she said. “Moms not being supportive of their kids makes me mad as hell. I don’t know if the mama bear thing comes with the hormones or if it’s just me.”
“I love you. I appreciate it even though I can handle her. I decided a long time ago that I want her in my life, and I’ll put up with some crap to have her there.”
“I understand because of my dad. Because—you know how he is. My mom was the best, and he was and is—who he is,” she sighed.
“It’s pink.”
“What?”
“The lines, they’re pink. That means it’s a yes,” I said.
I had my hands braced on the counter on either side of the white plastic wand that bore two unmistakable stripes.
“It means your baby and Maggie’s baby can grow up together. I mean, you two have always been as close as sisters, plus your kids will be cousins.”
“I really—haven’t figured out how to deal with that. I’d like to keep this quiet until I decide how to handle things. I don’t want him tied down here. If he wants to leave once the construction is finished at the vineyard, I don’t want him—”
“Finding out,” she finished for me.
“Yeah. Is that terrible? I know it is. I just need to think.”
“Okay. If you need anything let me know. And start putting lotion on your belly and sides now. Stretch marks are a thing before you know it. Love you.”
“Bye,” I said.
I peeled off my clothes down to my underwear and stretched out across the bed. I laid one hand experimentally on the curve of my belly down low.
“Hello in there,” I said with a half-smile. “I’m your mom. All you have to do is get big and strong. I’m gonna take care of everything.”
I kept talking.
“I’m Layla. I grew up with a single mom and no dad. You can do it. I’ve got a really good job, though, so there won’t be any problems with money. Also I’m a counselor so I’m good at listening and giving advice. Not so great at taking advice.”
I laughed ruefully and patted my belly.
“I’m gonna take good care of you. Starting tomorrow we’re going to eat a lot of vegetables and yogurt. It’ll help us both out. And I promise if you’re a girl, I will never make you wear those Lilly Pulitzer matching mom and daughter flowery dresses. I’ll get you some overalls. They are the most comfortable thing ever.”
I tried to keep my voice cheerful, but a tear seeped out of the corner of my eye and rolled down into my ear. I was pretty sure I’d never felt so lonely in my life.
19
Tyler
I finished the blocks around midnight. I had made Danny a set of wooden building blocks, shaped and sanded them by hand. I painted them with nontoxic high gloss paint in primary colors. They were his birthday present from me. Once I put the finish on them, I couldn’t decide how to package them. A gift bag seemed weird. But I’d been keeping them in a flat cardboard crate lined with newspaper so I didn’t make a mess on the floor of my cabin. I couldn’t exactly carry in the beer box I was using. First of all, I was pretty sure that wasn’t acceptable first birthday presentation. Also, I worked hard on them and wanted it to be fun to open.
While I was thinking over what to do, my mind wandered to Layla like it always did. I had kept my resolution to leave her alone. She had made it clear. She left me after we’d slept together, ran out on me when I tried to talk to her. That didn’t mean I was giving up.
I had to find a way to get her the letter. I didn’t want to enlist Maggie. She didn’t deserve to be caught in the middle of this. And Jeremiah was too busy rowing over being asked for advice to offer his actual help. If I mailed it, she might throw it out. I needed to put it in her hands. Look in her eyes. Make sure she knew that I needed her to read it. It had been three damn weeks since I’d written it and I needed her to see it. I needed to know once and for all.
Jeremiah stopped by while I was hanging sheetrock. He tried to lend a hand, but all he managed to do was get drywall dust all over his pants.
“So, about the general manager’s job,” he said, “you’d be great at it. But I need you to make a final decision soon.”
“I know. I have a couple of irons in the fire, have to see how some things turn out before I decide. That okay?”
“Waiting on a better offer?”
“Waiting on a reason to stay.”
“A better reason than family? Your twin brother and your nephew live here,” he said a little indignantly. He tried to play it off as a joke, but I knew he was uncomfortable that I hadn’t just jumped at the chance to work for him.
“Waiting to see how it turns out. I’m a patient man. Sometimes you have to hold your cards and wait to see what someone else is going to play.”
“Is this a poker metaphor? Because I’m not much for gambling. Unless you count making a huge property investment to get an angry woman to talk to me again.”
“No one ever said you didn’t take risks,” I said. “And that came out wrong about a reason to stay. I have good reasons. I’m waiting to see if there’s a powerful reason to leave.”
Jeremiah nodded. “I understand.”
“Listen, I’ve got shit to do. I don’t walk around all day in a polo shirt acting like I’m in charge,” I teased him.
“Hey, join the management crew. We’ll get you your own polo shirt,” he laughed.
I thought about what he said though. My brother hadn’t given up on Maggie. He’d left town for weeks, quit his cushy corporate gig and bought up local land for a development. He did the grand gesture, which was not my style. But I saw the appeal of going for broke, making a statement that way. Jer and I had always been different, close as we were. I’d just have to forge my own path here. I could see my way clear to give it to her in words, words I’d written and rewritten until I was sure I got it right. It was a matter of delivery, of seeing her face to face, handing it to her. Not touching her, reaching for her, making love to her. I was trying to make an appeal to emotion, to hope and future. I had to keep it straightforward, not muddy the waters with supernatural levels of sexual chemistry.