Stupid moron, I say to myself. I’m not sure whether I’m talking to myself or to Jason, my ill-fated date, but the words fit regardless. I try to lose myself in an episode about making the perfect identical little cakes, but the embarrassment keeps rolling through my head like my brain has the track on repeat.
I thought it had been going well enough. We went to a little Mexican place on the Lower East Side, and it was nice. He was sweet and charming and the conversation was flowing. He works for one of the larger law firms downtown, and even though all of our interests didn’t align, enough of them did. In my mind, it was one of the better first dates that I’ve ever had. Until we walked to the subway.
With an effort, I freeze the tape in my mind. I’d really rather not relive it again, though I know it’s only a matter of time.
A text buzzes on my phone, and I glance at the screen. It’s Lorraine.
How did it go?
I roll my eyes. Of course she’s going to want to know. But she can know later.
A couple of minutes later my phone buzzes again.
Ollie…
I turn the phone upside down on the other end of the couch. It vibrates a couple more times, but I don’t look. It’s judging time and I want to see how the raspberry mint cakes stack up against the orange cardamom. Even if I already know the answer.
There’s a knock on the door and I jump. Did the delivery guy forget something?
Then a loud, brassy voice. “Ollie, it’s me. Let me in.”
Fuck. Lorraine. “Go away!” I want to wallow in my misery, and Lorraine isn’t going to let me do that.
There’s the sound of a key in the lock and I groan. The door opens and her heels—Lorraine always wears heels—click on my floor. “I should have never given you that key,” I say.
“Yes, you should have,” she says as she comes around the corner into the living room. She sees me in my nest of blankets and my comfort food. “What the hell happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Too bad.”
I defiantly dip another mozzarella stick into my marinara sauce. “What are you doing here?”
She flops down onto the couch next to me, ignoring both my glare and my personal space. “I was on my way home. When you didn’t answer my texts, I wanted to see if you were still out or if you were home. And here you are.”
“Here I am,” I say bitterly, taking a sip of milkshake.
“So what happened?”
The judges on TV think that the orange and cardamom cakes are more successful, since the mint didn’t really come through in the cake or the frosting. “I said I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Too bad.”
“Lorraine, please,” I say, fighting off a sigh.
She puts her arm around my shoulders. “No. You know why? Because you hold onto these things. You overthink them, and bury them so you’re never able to let go. So you’re going to tell me about it, and then I’m going to give you some good news.”
“Can’t you give me the good news now?”
“Nope.” She steals a mozzarella stick and bites into it. “I’m holding it hostage for your date story.”
I dig through the blankets for the remote and pause the show. Lorraine and I have been friends long enough that I know she’s not going to give in. If I don’t start talking, she’s just going to stare at me until I do. So I start talking. I tell her about the beginning of the date and how cute he was and how it seemed to be going well.
And then I get to the subway.
I take a deep breath. “Well, he was hot. And you know me, I’m not the kind of person that goes home on the first date. But it’s been…a while, and I thought, what the hell, let’s do it. So we were standing there at the subway, and I was wondering if he was going to kiss me or not, and I asked if he wanted to go back to his place.” I shove another mozzarella stick in my mouth.
“And?” Lorraine prods.
“And he laughed.”
She gasps, “What?”
“He laughed, and not like a little laugh. Like a big fucking laugh. Like people on the next block probably heard him crack up.”
“Geeze.”
I swallow. “And when he was done laughing, he told me that he wasn’t looking for some kind of slut, and that even if he was, I wasn’t really in his league. And then he asked if I thought that it had really gone that well.”
Lorraine blinks. “Well fuck that guy.”
I laugh once, but it’s not really funny. “Yeah, fuck that guy. Please don’t say that you told me so.”
“Oh please,” she says, “I thought it wasn’t a great idea because he looked like a bro not because I thought he was going to be a complete dick.”
“Yeah…”
She snuggles against me. “Well, for what it’s worth, I’d hoped you weren’t answering my texts because you were getting some. And seriously, fuck that guy. I bet he doesn’t call himself a slut when he has first-date sex.”
“Probably not.”
Lorraine sits back up, curling her legs underneath her and facing me. “Now for the good news. It’s gonna cheer you up.”
“Oh?” I raise an eyebrow.
“Saturday is our ten-year reunion.”
I think, and I’m drawing a blank. “For what?”
“For high school.”
My jaw drops. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”
She shakes her head. “I’m not.”
“Why on earth would you think that that’s good news? Or that it would cheer me up?”
“It’s not the reunion that’s going to cheer you up, but one of the people going.”
I feel sick to my stomach. If I’d known Lorraine was going to spring some sort of high school surprise on me, I wouldn’t have eaten this much cheese. “Do I even want to know?”
“Adam Carlisle.”
My stomach drops, and in spite of myself, my pulse jumps up so that it’s racing. “How do you know that?”
She pulls out her phone. “There’s a Facebook page for the event. I’m sure they invited you.”
“They did,” I say, suddenly remembering. “I deleted it.”
“I figured. But I did a little stalking. Adam doesn’t post to Facebook very much, but he does have an Instagram. And god bless the fact that he does.”
She shoves the phone in my face, and I understand immediately. Adam was hot in high school. And because he was hot in high school, the fact that he’s even hotter now is astonishing. There are several pictures of him at formal events where his suits are perfectly tailored to his body, and then there’s some…other pictures.
Lorraine doesn’t hesitate—she blows up a picture of Adam on the beach, diving for a volleyball. He’s shirtless, and my mouth is suddenly dry. Adam was an athlete in high school. Basketball. And he had a killer body then. His body now would make his old body hang its head in shame. Even flying through the air in the picture, every line of muscle is visible. He’s pure power packed into a sleek package, and I look away.
Even if I’ll never admit it, Adam has always been the guy. He’s the star of every fantasy that I’ve ever had. And even though I hadn’t seen that particular picture, I’ve definitely looked him up over the years. I’m well aware of how panty-meltingly gorgeous he is. I’ve had several pairs of panties ruined from thoughts that follow that train. But it’s not a good thing. I shouldn’t be hung up on a guy from high school that for all I know helped orchestrate the single worst moment of my life. It’s not healthy. I should really consider therapy.