“Peter, what is this?”
“What is what?”
She lifts and drops her hands in frustration. “All of this. You helping me, constantly being there, telling me you’re going to make me fall in love with you. Is it some kind of guilt? Making up for the past or something? Is it because you can’t stand the fact that someone might not want you anymore? Even if it’s not any of those things, you need to stop trying.”
“I can’t,” I say, sitting next to her on the couch, pushing aside the fact that she thinks I might be trying to pursue her for revenge.
“But why?” She looks at me, and her eyes are desperate for answers.
“Because, even after everything,” I say, “I’ve never met anyone who makes me feel the way you do. Never. And I’d be crazy if I let that slip through my fingers again.”
Leaning closer to her, I test her reaction, but she doesn’t cringe or pull away. There’s no anger in her face or in her eyes, just confusion and desperation and need. There’s still something between us, I can feel it, like a thread tying us together, pulling in my gut.
“What if I can’t?” she says quietly.
“Are you saying that because you’re afraid of what might happen? Or because I broke us too badly to fix?”
She shakes her head, just a tiny sliver of movement. “I don’t know.”
“Then let me help you.”
I kiss her, soft, slow, and fucking god. Everything about this is so familiar and at the same time nothing is. I’ve been struck by lightning, and the need I’ve been pushing down the last few weeks comes raging to the surface, and I kiss her harder. And I don’t know what I’ve down to deserve a miracle, but I get one because Amber kisses me back.
God, I love her lips. I always have. I run my tongue along them to feel their softness and she opens her mouth to me and I can’t hold back the groan in my throat. My cock is rock hard now and even though I know we’re probably not going there, I’m imagining us tangled together right here on this couch, my head between her thighs while she screams my name and we give her upstairs neighbors a run for their money.
I pull her closer, close as I can without disturbing her leg, and I let my hands explore her more than I could when I was carrying her. I’ve spent every waking moment wanting to touch her, going insane reliving the moments when I got to hold her wrist and feel her heartbeat.
This is everything.
Everything.
I love the way she feels under my hands, and I want to feel her everywhere. Pulling away from her lips, I move to her neck. I need to taste her skin, that perfect cinnamon scent overwhelming me. She gasps as I reach that spot just below her ear, something I remember that drives her crazy. I learned that by exploring her body inch by inch and learning what she loves. I hope that there are more new things I can learn so that I can make her scream.
Suddenly her hands are on my chest, and she pushes. “Peter, stop.”
I pull back immediately, but my heart is racing and I feel like I’ve run a marathon. Amber is flushed, her lips just swollen enough to look thoroughly kissed.
“I can’t,” she says. “I can’t do this.”
“I’m sorry. I overstepped.”
“No.” Her hands are still on me, and her fingers grip me a little more tightly, like she’s not ready to let go even if she says she is. “You didn’t, but…”
She suddenly seems like she might cry, and it’s like a knife in my chest. “Talk to me, Amber. You always could.”
“That’s the problem, Peter. I’m not the same person anymore. Everything that happened, all this time, it doesn’t just disappear like that. Not for me. And I can’t promise you that it will. It’s too much.”
“I’ve wanted to talk to you about that. I can explain everything. I didn’t want to hurt you, I just wanted you to be safe. To be happy. To be—”
“Stop,” she says. “I don’t want to hear your explanations. You chose to ignore my wishes, and decide what you thought was best for me instead of listening. You made that choice. And now, just like then, I am not yours to save, Peter. I’m a person, and I get to make my own choices and my own mistakes. And since you clearly don’t get that, we’re not going to be together.”
I sit back and take her in. I see determination on her face, even if her body says that she’s conflicted. She won’t hear what I have to say, and that’s okay. That’s her right.
“I understand,” I say. “I do. And I’m going to prove it to you. Whatever you need from me, you can have. You can stomp on me until I’m dust and you can make work hell. You can choose not to speak to me. Hit me if you need to, but I’m going to be here.
“You are it for me, Amber. It’s the one thing I know so deeply I can’t change it. I told you that a long time ago, and it’s never stopped being true. Even when I thought it was impossible and tried to move on, it was always you.”
Her eyes widen a little, and I see her breath hitch.
I say it again so that it sinks in. “You are it for me. The end. And I’ll never stop trying to show you that. I’ve made mistakes, and I know that. But I learn from them. And I swear to you that I will never stop trying.”
I leave her on the couch, staring after me. She may not believe me, but she will. I will never stop trying to get her back, and I won’t stop. I love Amber Dwyer, and I just need her to realize that she loves me too.
12
Peter
12th Grade
I’m switching the books at my locker when Amber slips her arms around me from behind. “Hi.”
“Hey,” I say, grabbing my physics textbook before shutting the locker and turning around to kiss her. It’s the best part of my day, when we get to spend a few minutes with each other. This year is busier than last year, and between rehearsals and homework, neither of us has the time that we want.
She pushes me back into my locker and kisses me hard, not caring that we’re in a hallway full of people. Though those people are used to it. Amber Dwyer doesn’t care about PDA, and because she doesn’t, I don’t either. I pull her hips closer to mine so that she can feel what’s beneath my jeans. “It’s been awhile,” she says.
“Yes,” I say, my voice a bit rough. “It has.”
“Hmm,” she hums, reaching up so she can whisper in my ear. “What should we do to take care of that?”
“At this point,” I laugh, “really anything.”
She smirks. “I have an idea, but I have to check on something and I’ll let you know.”
There’s no more blood in my brain, and she can feel it. She laughs. “In the meantime, I’ve figured out what I want to do.”
“Do for what?”
Amber hits my arm lightly, and I pretend like she punched me, making her laugh while she talks. “For my senior project. I want to get into as many schools as possible so I have choices, but to do that, I need to showcase as many skills as possible. So I’m going to do a show, but it’s going to be all me.”