Something goes tight in my chest. “You’re serious?”
“Yes.”
There’s absolutely no doubt in his tone, and I’ve heard it before. He’s thought about this, and this is his decision. I can’t breathe, not because I don’t want that, but because that seems so…big. Forever is a long time.
“You might change your mind,” I say.
“I won’t.”
“But—”
He kisses me until I’m breathless. “I love you, Amber. There is no changing my mind about that. I love every single thing about you. The good and the flaws, and the things you think are flaws that aren’t. There’s nothing you could do or say that would make me change my mind about that. And if you don’t want to be with me, or you change your mind, that would be fine, but I’ll never change mine.”
There are new tears in my eyes, and I’m dizzy, breathless. I feel like I might faint again but I refuse. Not now. Not when he’s saying these perfect things. I don’t know that I can really believe them, not entirely. People don’t find soul mates at eighteen. I’ll be grateful for as long as this lasts.
“I love you,” I say. It’s the only thing I can think to say. I don’t have the words to say that kind of thing back, but for a moment, I think that I see what he does. A future.
A future where instead of going our separate ways when we graduate, we go together, and he supports my dreams and I support his and we work our way through the world by each other’s sides. I’ll be honest that I hadn’t really thought that far ahead, but now that I do, I can understand. There’s nothing about Peter that I think would keep us from living a long and happy life together.
We’ve had our fights, everyone does. But we work. He balances me when I get out of control and too crazy or too ambitious and I bring him up out of worry and get him to relax. And yet we want a lot of the same things. Opposites attract, but not so opposite.
“Oh,” I say, looking into his eyes, getting lost in the color and the tiny threads of gold in the center of his iris.
“What?”
“I just…hadn’t thought about it. Like…what’s the point in making plans if you don’t know where you’re going to be?”
“I’ll be wherever you are,” he says with certainty. “After that, it doesn’t matter.”
“But what do you want, Peter? What do you want to do?”
He shakes his head. “I’m not sure. After everything, that’s what I hadn’t thought about until recently. I might try to act, because I do love that, but I don’t know if I want to get a degree. Wherever you go, I want to go with you, and I’ll figure it out on the way, because as long as I’m with you, I know that I’ll be fine.”
Peter moves my hips, and I gasp, because I almost forgot that he’s been inside me, and the way my body has accepted him makes his sudden movement new, and good.
“Okay,” I say, suddenly seeing what he sees. We’re a team, and he’ll be with me, no matter what. We’ll figure it out together, and I feel it in my gut that whatever we choose, it will be better because we’re together. “Come with me.”
“I will,” he says.
And then I can’t say anything because he’s moving again, and I have to close my eyes. I wrap my arms around him, and then my legs, and let go, relaxing into this feeling of perfect certainty. He moves in long, smooth strokes, and the way we’re pressed together sends him deeper than he’s been before.
Pleasure begins to bloom in my gut, and I kiss him, urge him to move faster, whisper in his ear to give me more, and he does. It’s like light and stars and it’s so good, and we’ve never been bad. I want to always feel like this, drowning in pleasure in Peter’s arms.
Rocking together, we speed up until we’re in a frenzy, and then I shatter, light flashing behind my eyes, the only thing stopping me from yelling is Peter’s lips on mine, and he’s moaning too. I’m wrapped up in the feeling, smothered in it, glazed and burned. It’s amazing. And then it disappears, and we’re left staring at each other.
We came together, and I hope that we always will, no matter what happens.
17
Amber
Present
I’ve never been to Swann’s Lake, and even with my new director’s salary, I won’t pretend that a night like this wouldn’t put a significant dent in my bank account. But Peter is paying, so I don’t have to worry about it. I know that it’s a business dinner and not a date, but with the dress I’m wearing and the place we’re going, it feels like a date even if his agent is going to be there.
I’ve worn this dress before to the premiere of The Truth of Life. It’s the only thing that I own that’s remotely fancy enough for Swann’s Lake, and I’m banking on the fact that not enough people know who I am that they’d recognize the dress.
I roll my eyes while looking in the mirror. Only in Hollywood is recycling the only gown you own considered a faux pas big enough that it can get you excluded from certain circles. It’s crazy. But I really like this dress. I liked it when I bought it, and I would be sad if I only got to wear it the one time.
It’s a deep blue that somehow doesn’t look terrible on me. As a natural redhead it can sometimes be a pain to find colors that make both my skin and hair look good, and this is one of them. The waist is empire, gathering the gauzy, flowing material together just under the bust, and the neckline plunges to that point, from two wide straps. It shows a lot, but isn’t sleazy, and I like that. From the waist it drops in a flowing A-line, and whenever I walk in it, I feel like some kind of sea goddess.
When I put the dress on I was excited, and I still love the way I look in it. I forgot that I’m going to see Peter in this dress, and the cleavage feels like too much. There’s a part of me that wants him to see it, for him to find me as sexy as he always did, and make good on that promise he made the other night that he would never give up. And there’s the part of me that knows that that can’t and shouldn’t happen.
For once in my life I honestly don’t know which of those things is going to win. I’ve always had good instincts, and even if I’m torn, I usually know deep down what I want. But not now. I’m evenly divided. But what my gut is telling me is that after tonight, I’ll definitely know which one is going to win.
My phone chimes, and I glance at it. My car is here. Even if I were officially cleared to drive again, it would be a pain in the dress and the heels, so in a car I go. It’s a big SUV, which isn’t the easiest to get into with my ankle, but I’m healed enough that I’m just using a brace and sucking it up. Fuck those crutches, I hate them.
After climbing into the car, the driver confirms the address and we head off. I’ve left myself enough time to get there comfortably. My agent and manager were vague about what this meeting was about, but the fact that they were comfortable enough with it to let me go with just Peter and Michael tells me that it’s nothing to worry about.
But that just brings my thoughts back to Peter and the dress and all the things I’ve been thinking about and remembering since his scene the other day. It’s like suddenly I notice him even when I don’t want to. And memories are emerging from the corners of my mind with alarming frequency. Some of the things I can’t believe that I forgot.