“Amir freaks out. He’s pulling at the mask, trying to take it off. Me and Tak are trying to get the room back to how it was when we realize Amir can’t get it off. I make Tak go downstairs to delay Terminator from coming upstairs, and I’ve got hold of the mask, and we’re trying to tug it off, but it ain’t budging.
“I run into my room and grab my lube, and I get back to Amir, and I pour that shit down the back of the mask, trying to loosen it. I’ve got hold of it, but I can’t get a proper grip, because I emptied all the lube, and it was a fucking full tube.
“We can hear Tak talking about some shit, and we’re trying to tug this thing off, and eventually we manage it, but I took chunks of Amir’s hair with it. The mask is greased up and Amir’s got lube all in his hair and down his face and neck. He’s panting and red in the face, and he grabs the mask and runs into the bathroom.
“Seconds later, the shower comes on, and I’m like what do I do? I check Terminator’s room and make sure it looks okay, shut the door, and pray he doesn’t go into his box. I dart back into my room and grab my chocolate stash ‘cause I really need to eat, and I have a vodka in one hand and a joint in the other, and I’m trying to eat chocolate at the same time. Then I hear Terminator coming upstairs.
“I almost shit myself. Tak comes into my room and shuts the door. We stand staring at each other, listening to Terminator next door. He goes in, grabs whatever it is he came back for, leaves, and he goes back out.
“Amir comes charging into my room and throws this wet mask at me. He’s like you put that thing back, and then he leaves. I go to Terminator’s room, and he’s locked the fucking door. I mean, how do I put this mask back?
“I panic and run back to my room, screaming the door’s locked when Terminator comes back. I shut up and wait, then I’m pointing at Tak telling him to get Terminator out of his room after he’s unlocked it so I can sneak back him. He’s shaking his head so hard I’m thinking he’s gonna give himself concussion.
“Amir gets him out somehow, and I manage to get it back in, and we all collapse on the bed. I’m swigging from the bottle, and the others are smoking joints, and I’m like never again.
“The very next weekend...”
Knox was bent over, tears streaming from his face. “What did you do then?”
“We found his underwear box.”
“You didn’t?”
“I didn’t, but Amir and Tak did, and they took pictures too. And they mimed fucking each other with the dildo and the butt plug we found.” Archer leaned aback in his chair. “What can I say? We were young, drunk, and stoned. I put on so much weight that year.”
“Do you still have the pictures?” Walter leaned forward, his eyes shining with anticipation.
“I do, but he’s a Sheriff in a town not too far from here, so I’ll keep them under wraps.”
“Damn, boy. I ain’t getting any younger, and I want to experiment a little.”
Knox gagged, and Archer raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”
“That thing in your ass. Prostrate? I heard it’s like a magic orgasm button.”
“Prostate, Granddad.” Archer glanced at Knox, who was staring horrified at Walter.
“You want to put something up your ass?” Knox covered his mouth with his hand.
“He likes it.” Walter pointed at Archer, who closed his eyes. “Ask him what it’s like.” Walter looked at them both. “I saw this show about you gays, and they talked about it and how good it felt. I’m not getting any younger, and I want to try everything. My dick’s getting old, and I want to use it before it tells me to fuck off.”
“That’s...nice.”
“Well, if it’s good enough for you, why can’t I try it?” Walter crossed his arms over his chest. “You shove things up your ass.”
“I’m gay, and not all gays have anal sex. It’s not some prerequisite to the gay lifestyle.”
“Please. I saw you the other morning. You were screwing that Cain. You had this freshly fucked look on your face, and you were way too cheerful for that time of the morning. I hate being awake that early, and you were whistling. Who whistles at five in the fucking morning? A man who’s had dick, that’s who.”
“Wow, Granddad. I never knew you were so fascinated with my sex life,” Archer muttered.
“I’m old, my dick’s wrinkly, and I want to have some hot sex before I kick the bucket.”
Knox coughed and asked, “What about that new woman at the home?”
“Gah! Frigid old biddie won’t let me stick it up her ass. She doesn’t have any room with the fucking forest up there.”
Archer waved over to the waitress practically shouting at her. “We’re ready to order!”
“I’m not, damn it. I want some sex, and you two are going to help me.”
Knox leaned back in his seat so he was behind Walter and mouthed no while shaking his head. Archer inhaled until he could feel his lungs fill up, held it, and counted to ten before slowly releasing it. Smiling at Walter, he shook his head. “Different generations, Granddad. I wouldn’t know where to start.”
“Get me one of those men who you can have for a night. What are they called?”
“Not going there.” Walter opened his mouth, and Archer held up his hand. “No. Find some person at your home, but don’t involve us. Better yet, ask Mom.”
“Lydia? You’re joking, right? I mentioned wanting to have sex, and she told me she didn’t want to hear about it. She wants me to go to my grave a horny old man with the biggest blue balls ever.”
“Er, what can I get for you?”
Archer closed his eyes and sighed. The poor waitress was slowly inching away from Walter, who was looking her up and down. She shot Archer a panicked look, and he waved her over to him. “Three burgers and fries, please.”
She nodded and virtually ran from them, and Walter tilted his head. “Nice peachy ass.”
“Granddad, one day your mouth is gonna get you in shit.”
“I have dementia.” Walter shrugged. “I can get away with it.”
“Dementia?” Archer shared a look with Knox. “Since when?”
“They diagnosed me a month ago, because I couldn’t remember where I put my keys.”
“How many times?”
“I told them lots but really once. I’m selling the drugs.” Walter winked, and Knox groaned as Archer shook his head.
“It’s against the law.” Archer didn’t think Walter gave a shit about the law, but at least he had mentioned it.
“I’m old, and I’m dying. Who gives a fuck?”
“Sweet baby Jesus, make my burger to go.” Knox stood and walked outside the restaurant and lit a cigarette.
“I thought he quit. Stupid boy.”
“You are making him smoke!” Archer leaned across the table and glared at Walter. “I will tell Mom everything if you don’t stop yanking his chain.”
“But you boys are so easy to mess with, and the home is boring. They’re all old and gray and have no life in them. I want to dance and drink and fuck. I’m gonna die before you, and I want to enjoy the years I have left.”