* * *
Zack: I’m not worried about that. I’m worried about making sure my kid has two parents who get along, even if they don’t live in the same house or have a conventional relationship.
* * *
Chip: Right. Of course. You should be worried about that, but let’s worry about the child support, too, okay? As much as I hate this part of managing, we have to consider this woman’s motives. Ugly truth, but you’re a very wealthy man, and a lot of girls are going to see getting knocked up with your kid as a meal ticket.
* * *
Zack: Colette isn’t like that. She wants to have a baby and can’t afford another trip to the sperm bank. It’s not any more complicated than that. She’s a good person.
* * *
Chip: Colette. What’s her last name? I’ll see what kind of background information I can dig up. In the meantime, you should buy some condoms and USE THEM. Hopefully you’ve dodged a bullet this time, and we can brainstorm alternative ways for you to move forward. Off the top of my head, I say you should give her the money for the sperm bank. Right now. No matter how pricey it is, it’ll be cheaper than eighteen years of child support.
* * *
Zack: No. I don’t want any of this. I don’t want you to dig up information on the woman I’m sleeping with. That’s not the kind of person I am. And I don’t consider having a baby a bullet to be dodged. I want to have children, and I’m not getting any younger.
* * *
Chip: You’re thirty years old, for God’s sake! LOL. You’re still a baby. You have plenty of time. Most of the men I know don’t even think about marriage, let alone having kids, until they’re forty. Don’t rush it, brother. You’ve got time to be a family man when you’re too old and tired to rock anymore.
* * *
Zack: I don’t see it that way. My grandparents raised me. I’ve seen firsthand what it’s like for people in their sixties who are trying to keep up with a teenager. It isn’t easy. If possible, I want kids sooner rather than later.
* * *
Chip: Okay. So let’s discuss hiring a surrogate down the road. Or adoption, maybe. I don’t know any single men who’ve adopted, but if anyone can convince an agency to make an exception, it’s a guy with your resources and reputation.
And if you adopt alone or use a surrogate, you’ll be able to call the shots on how your kid is raised without fighting it out with anyone else. Believe me. My parents split up when I was ten, and most of my friends come from broken homes. There’s almost always fighting, and it’s always ugly. Trying to get two people who don’t love each other to agree on what’s best for a kid is close to impossible.
But, bottom line, this is a conversation we should have in six months to a year, after the first single hits number one and pre-orders for the record are through the roof.
Right now, your focus needs to be on making music, not babies.
The next few months are going to set the tone for your entire future as a musician, Zack. I don’t want to scare you, but a lot is on the line right now. It wasn’t easy to get you a solo deal, and if this project doesn’t soar, I don’t know that I’ll be able to get you another one.
I’m a magician, but I’m not a miracle worker.
You feel me?
* * *
Zack: I understand. I’m well aware of the position I’m in.
* * *
Chip: Right, so I think you need to have a come-to-Jesus moment with me, buddy. I suggested you bring a girl to the retreat to help you relax after a long day in the booth, maybe give you a few blow jobs between recording sessions, not to cause unnecessary drama. If this girl isn’t going to give you the support you need and let you be the center of the attention while you’re making a record that’s going to change your life, maybe she should stay home.
* * *
Zack: I invited her to come with me. It was my idea, not hers.
* * *
Chip: That’s okay! Just tell her you’re so crazy about her that you’re worried you won’t be able to focus on your work. Then promise her you’ll be all over her as soon as you get back. If she’s as sweet as you say, she’ll understand.
And that will give you two weeks to get some perspective on this baby issue.
Win-win.
* * *
Zack: I don’t want her to go. Last night was one of the best nights of my life. Like, I had to get out of bed and write a song about it in the bathroom afterward kind of good. And it wasn’t her fault I couldn’t get back to sleep. Just the smell of her lying next to me was enough to drive me crazy. The attraction is… It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before.
* * *
Chip: Wow. So she’s trapped you with sex voodoo. That’s what you’re saying.
* * *
Zack: No. Not voodoo. Just…her.
There’s something about her.
* * *
Chip: Fuck my life…
* * *
Zack: What? LOL. Why?
* * *
Chip: You’re in love with this girl.
* * *
Zack: I am not. I told you, I barely know her.
* * *
Chip: Doesn’t matter. I know love-sick when I hear it. That’s why you’re doing crazy shit. You’ve caught a bad case of love-itis, and as long as you’re infected, you’re going to give this woman a baby and your future and anything else she asks for, wrapped up in hundred-dollar bills.
I would ask if you want me to come personally remove you from her clutches, but you don’t have that much sense left, do you?
* * *
Zack: I’m not in anyone’s clutches. And love isn’t a disease. If I were in it, I wouldn’t be ashamed of it. But I’m not. I don’t fall in love overnight. I need time to establish that kind of connection with a woman.
* * *
Chip: That’s what they all say. Right up until they meet their Buttercream Frosting Girl.
* * *
Zack: Should I ask?
* * *
Chip: You know from your first bite of buttercream frosting, man. You don’t need to spend months forming a connection with the frosting, finding out the frosting’s politics or how many lovers the frosting has had or if the frosting chews with its mouth open or snores or has a bad habit of throwing dirty socks on the floor. One bite and you know—that shit is good, and you want as much of it as you can get and you always will, even after it gives you such a raging case of diabetes you have to have your foot amputated and end up walking with a limp for the rest of your life.