He took her sweaty hand into his, his thumb caressing her skin. “How are you healing?”
She swallowed and wondered how to best answer that.
The truth. She doubted she’d see him very often, if at all, but she’d decided he’d always get the truth from her now.
“According to the doctors, I’m healing at the normal rate. I can take deep breaths without sharp pains now, but I still ache. They won’t release me back to work until I’ve completely healed.” She shrugged and looked away, emotions coming to the surface, feelings she’d kept from everybody since the shooting. “If I decide to go back,” she whispered. She hadn’t even told Viola her thoughts about quitting.
Mason touched her chin and guided her gaze back to his. “What do you mean?” he asked softly.
“I—” She blew out a calming breath to get a stranglehold on her emotions. The last thing she wanted to do was cry in front of him. “I’m not sure I want to be an agent anymore.” It had been on the tip of her tongue to tell Viola that earlier when she’d asked about Mayflower.
“Why?”
Even though she was facing him, she couldn’t look into his eyes. She focused on the ceiling instead. “I don’t know about anything anymore. I trusted Darrell with my life and he—” She blinked several times, forcing the tears back. When she felt somewhat in control, she looked at Mason again. “I feel lost. I don’t know any other way to explain it.”
It wasn’t just what Darrell had done to her. It was how the bureau used her—putting her into an impossible situation on one hand, and lying to her on the other. She also felt lost when it came to Mason, though she didn’t want to go into those details.
“That’s understandable. I think that’s a normal reaction when someone you care about breaks your trust.”
Her eyes shut, blocking out his pain, but a single tear escaped anyway. He swiped it away.
“I’m so sorry,” she breathed. “I didn’t…I mean…”
“Look at me.” When she did, he put his hand back on her cheek and caressed her face. “I’m sorry, too. I confronted you out of anger, used the trust you had in me to exact punishment. That was uncalled for.”
“Please don’t take any blame for that. You were angry.”
“I was fucking furious.” He narrowed his eyes.
“As you should be,” she whispered. He had every right to feel the way he did. She did not begrudge him that.
“I was, but I’m not now.” She gaped at him. How could that be? Maybe he was at his own stage of acceptance like Viola was discovering. Shelby wasn’t there yet. Her life was a mess, and she didn’t have anyone to blame but herself…and depending on who she asked, she had no blame to harbor. She had a job to do, like her brother had just told her and like Rick had said several times, reminding her of the professional she was. “I’ve been thinking about a lot of things the last month, and what I keep coming back to is the fact I don’t want to be angry anymore. I’ve taken the time I needed to accept what has happened.”
She stared at him, dumbfounded.
“There are still some things I need to work out, but I’d like your help answering the questions that have been plaguing me.”
“You can ask me anything you want.” She knew she should show more discretion, but she didn’t care.
“Have you ever been topped before?”
She blinked a few times, processing his question. This wasn’t the direction she’d anticipated this conversation going. Slowly shaking her head, she said, “No. You were my first.”
“Did you like it?”
“Yes.” When she’d parsed out all the reasons why she’d been set on this path and all of the emotion that evolved, looking only at what she experienced sexually, she knew at the core it had been a freeing experience.
He seemed to mull that over. “Is it something you want to continue?”
With him? The thought slammed into her. This was a scenario she hadn’t allowed herself to even think about. Was he specifically asking about the two of them or was this more of a hypothetical question? She couldn’t be sure. She settled on the truth again without staking any claims. “I’ve thought a lot about it.”
He smiled. “Avoiding the question, pet?”
Her heart skittered at the endearment. “No, Sir. It’s one of the many things I’ve felt lost about.”
“I see. Well, you were…are…a lovely submissive. As much as I’ve tried putting you out of my mind, I just can’t. I find myself not wanting to try anymore. Where does that leave us?” he asked softly.
“I don’t know.” That response felt so inadequate.
“I guess what I need to know is if things were real for you. You know they were for me, Shelby. But I also know you were assigned to act a certain way. Was it all just a job for you? If I was, you can tell me. I think I’m ready to hear that answer.”
She shook her head. “No, it wasn’t just a job for me,” she murmured.
The breath he let out was long. “Okay then. When you’re ready, I’d like to start over.”
“What does that mean?” she asked slowly. Was he offering to redo her scenes, letting her explore the lifestyle without the cloak of her job? Or was he suggesting they try a real relationship? She would not assume anything.
“It means,” he said softly. “That I love you.”
She gasped as the tears she’d been fighting since he’d arrived rushed out. He pulled her into his arms and stroked her back, carefully avoiding her healing wound. “I don’t expect you to love me back. Not yet. Who knows, maybe too much as happened between us. All I’m saying is I want to try, see if we can make it work, starting with a new foundation.”
Shelby pulled away. “I-I—”
“Shhh.” He placed a finger over her lips. “Don’t say anything. Take some time to think about it.” He pulled away and fished in his pocket, retrieving a key. He placed it in her hand and closed her fingers around it. “I’m taking an extended vacation. I’ve decided I needed more relaxation and less time working in my life. I’ll be back in a few weeks, but if you decide you need to get some fresh air, you can join me at any time. No pressure.”
She was too shocked to say anything.
He chuckled. “I could always blackmail Viola into making you come to the island. I have a feeling she’d be willing to do anything I asked to square away the debt she believes she owes.” His smile ended on a sigh, humor leaving. “But I don’t want any more trickery around us. No matter how tempting the idea is to me.”
“I’ll think about it,” she finally said. He nodded and leaned in. Her heart leapt when his face got closer to hers. When he kissed her forehead instead of her lips, another ache formed at how tender the gesture had been.
Mason stood, pulled out his wallet, and gave her a card with the address and details how to get there. “Just in case.”
She watched him leave, the words she’d tried saying earlier whispering into the lonely air. “I love you, too.”
Chapter Twenty-Four